December 9, 2002 -

CUNNING COONASSOGRAPHY!

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Louisiana wins one for lefties.

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Now, the details...

NEW ORLEANS -- Sen. Mary Landrieu won re-election to the U.S. Senate, burying Republican Susan Haik-Terrell in a sea of African-American votes. About 90 percent of Louisiana blacks voted for Landrieu and the balloon-bottomed Democrat used a probably phony story from a Mexican newspaper to activate some of Louisiana's substantial greed vote among non-African Americans. The Mexican news item reported that the Bush administration plans to boost sugar imports. Ever vigilant to protect their God-given right to drain the federal treasury, many Louisianans reflexively voted for Landrieu. In her post-election news conference, Landrieu said, "The soul of our party is the African-American community..." (But who is the heart? The brain?)

A couple of reflections on Louisiana: I understand Louisiana political traditions. Many of them involve saying things that don't make sense to anybody but a Louisiana Democrat. A good example might be the explanation that former Governor (and Career Criminal) Edwin (Fast Eddie) Edwards gave when a Baton Rouge newspaper nailed him on taking bribes. Fast Eddie explained that, under Louisiana law, it was not illegal to take a bribe...it was illegal to give one. Thus some oil company, not Eddie, was the true malefactor. That made sense to Louisiana. Edwards, once the leading Democrat in Louisiana, is finally in federal custody, sending out form letters bitching that jail life isn't all that much fun.

Landrieu somehow managed to avoid provoking Louisiana's sense of honor by lying about her votes on abortion. Mary talks pro-life -- which Catholics expect -- but votes with the feminist-liberal nutball fringe. She seemed to explain to Louisiana's satisfaction that she is "pro-life" because she is very supportive of adoption. She wasn't asked to supply the case history of one aborted baby ever adopted in Louisiana. The mind doth reel. (Some of my best friends are chickens, but I just naturally LOVE Colonel Sanders). In point of fact, Landrieu has no problem with exterminating fetuses.

MIAMI -- Just when we thought most everything that came out of Florida was nutso cometh a federal judge who must believe she's in Texas. Or Kansas. But not in Florida. Judge Patricia Seitz tossed a lawsuit which claimed that Southwest Airlines' web site violates the Americans With Disabilities Act. An ADA "advocacy" group said the feds should force Southwest to provide text in a format that "could be read by synthesized speech technology," whatever that might mean. The ADA has been stretched to cover tittie bars and massage parlors, but Judge Seitz didn't buy the sue-happy scumbags' contention that the Southwest web site was a place of "exhibition, display and a sales establishment."But the lawyers maintained -- presumably with a straight face -- that Southwest's Web site was covered under the Act as a place of "exhibition, display and a sales establishment." May there be more Judge Seitzes in the federal courts.

BANDERA, Texas -- So, are you one of those people who figures every Texas jury is comprised of California-style dipsticks who might find Anna Nicole Smith innocent of being fat, disgusting and stupid? Well, Texas juries can follow the law -- even when it might appear that a homicide is justifiable. There was the case of Steven Brasher, who killed Willie Lawson last year. "There was only two beers left, so I took one, and I told Willie not to take my last beer," Brasher said in a taped statement that was played during the trial. Brasher shot Lawson in the head. Against all odds, the jury convicted Brasher.

RENO, Nevada -- Austrian medical researchers report that riding mountain bikes might impair sperm production, leading to infertility in the mountain-biking male population. A series of special funds have been set up to buy mountain bikes for most Democratic leaders, Sens. James Jeffords and John McCain as well as Jesse Jackson.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Leonard Rojas took the slow slide to ambient temperature at the Texas Death House. Rojas killed his common-law wife and his brother. The AP reported that Rojas "suspected" the two of having an affair when he saw his wife emerge, naked, from Little Bro's bedroom. Rojas became the 32nd person to meet the Cleansing Needle in Texas for 2002. Unlike many departees, Rojas didn't lie, whine or wheedle as The Time approached. The last trash abatement run of 2002 is scheduled to dump James Collier as of Wednesday. Collier murdered a Wichita Falls mother and her son.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Should we buy a mountain bike for Senate Majority Midget Tom Daschle, or is he immune from testicular problems?