December 16, 2002 -

ADIOS ALGOREOGRAPHY!

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One fool gone, but there are more.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Algore stunned the nation on Sunday, announcing he will not run for President in 2004. Gore made his announcement in an interview with CBS alleged newswoman Leslie Stahl, who was near apoplexy over Gore's decision. Algore's decision came after several matters were considered. For one, even most Democrats don't really think much of him. However, the single item that took Algore out of the race was Trent Lott's threat to come to his next birthday party.

PASCAGOULA, Mississippi -- President Bush has given the CIA authority to kill American citizens working for al Qaeda. Bush associates added that the President prefers that al Qaeda operatives be captured and questioned. "Dubya especially wants them shot down like dogs only if they happen to be riding in vehicles with `Support Trent Lott' bumper stickers," a Bush spook said.

ROTTERDAM, Netherlands -- File this one under, "Yeh. Sure. I believe that." Seems that former President Bill Clinton says he had a plan to attack North Korea's nuclear reactor unless the northern nutjobs agreed to freeze its operations. Clinton said the possible military strike was in his first term. "I was in the Oval Office and had Pyongyang on the telephone. I gave the order, `Blow That Sucker' and everything got a little fuzzy after that. Maybe Monica will explain in her memoirs," he said.

Speaking in New York, the First Rapist said Democrats have to take on the right-wing "destruction machine." Clinton said, "They have a destruction machine -- we don't." As ever, Clinton is lying. If Hitler had as good a destruction machine as Bill put together we'd all be speaking German. If the Democrats really need a destruction machine, maybe we could give them Trent Lott.

AUGUSTA, Georgia -- The mighty New Dork Times relented on some high-level stupidity and published two sports columns previously rejected because the columns didn't fit with the Times' crusade against the Augusta National Golf Club. Editor Howell Raines is negotiating to buy Trent Lott an Augusta membership so the Times can pummel Augusta for accepting him.

NASHVILLE -- Jonathan David Farley, a Vanderbilt University professor who loves his poster of Che Guevara, declared that Confederate soldiers who survived the Civil War should have been executed. Farley moved to Nashville from (surprise!) Berkeley, California. His father is an immigrant from Jamaica and his mother immigrated from Guyana. Prof. Farley is soliciting donations to build a gallows at Trent Lott's home in Pascagoula, Mississippi.

SANTIAGO, Chile -- The Chilean Prostitute Association sued Christian missionaries, asserting that the missionaries have turned their public place into a church and robbed them of a living. The American-financed missionary group, Conception, is working on its position.

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia -- Saudi Arabia says reports that it financed the September 11 hijackers are lies and a desperate attempt by U.S. warmongers to get Saudi support for a possible war against Iraq. Prince Nayef, Saudi interior minister, said he is assembling evidence to prove that the 15 Saudis among the 19 terrorists were sent by Trent Lott and Strom Thurmond.

WASHINGTON -- FBI Director Robert Mueller said almost 100 terrorist attacks have been thwarted since the September 11, 2001 terror attacks. Mueller warns that many terrorists remain at large in the United States. Mueller said the FBI is working diligently to corral terror suspects but is strapped for manpower. "At the moment, we have 150 agents assigned to studying documents for possible racial slurs uttered by Trent Lott," Mueller said.

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts -- Harvard University apologized for a 1920 incident in which 14 men were thrown out of Harvard -- and Cambridge -- after a secret tribunal decided they were homosexuals. Harvard's active Thought Police Squad is reported devoting itself to a further investigation. "We believe that Trent Lott's grandfather might have been involved in placing signs around Harvard that read `All Deliveries In Rear ' -- an obvious hate crime," said P.C. Dorque of Harvard.

OSLO, Norway -- Everybody's favorite fool, former President Jimmuh Carter, removed more of the sheen from the Nobel Peace Prize -- accepting the 2002 award and urging people to work for peace. "I am grateful to my wife Rosalynn, to my colleagues at the Carter Center and to the many others who continue to seek an end to violence and suffering throughout the world." My vote for a man who ended suffering would go to Ronald Reagan, who kicked Jimmuh out of the White House.

CHICAGO -- Black business leaders and preachers marched on the Chicago headquarters of America's Second Favorite Fool, Rev. Jesse Jackson. They protested Jackson's "self-anointment" as a black leader. Jackson indicated he is certain that the protest group was financed by Trent Lott and briefed by Strom Thurmond.

CAPETOWN, South Africa -- Those hanging ornaments that identified a plastic reindeer as a male seemed to upset many shoppers in a South African shopping mall. So the company that made the display "castrated" the animal. "It was painless. The operation is known as a Trent Lottobotomy," sniffed a South African prude.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Are Wall Street stockbrokers racist homophobes because they trade Odd Lots?