December 23, 2002 -

PERIPATETIC PATTYOGRAPHY!

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Brain death is IN!

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And there's much more. Now, the details...

VANCOUVER, Washington -- Did you know that Osama bin Laden is really a sweet guy? A humanitarian who has dedicated much of his life to building schools, roads and day-care centers in Islamic countries? We wouldn't know that except for the remarks of Sen. Patty Murray, a Washington Democrat. Brain-dead Patty's prattling about Osama was to a group of high-school students, who presumably should be given counseling because of exposure to an idiot. Braced by a staff member with an IQ above freezing, Patty authorized a news release that said she was only being provocative. She also said she is the victim of the vast right-wing conspiracy. The Perils of Pottie-Brain Patty made only a ripple in the American news market. Reporters far and wide remained fixated on Trent Lott.

Mattel, the toy company, unveiled a new and sexy Barbie doll that features an IQ only slightly above that of the dour and plain Patty Murray. The new Barbie is officially called the Lingerie Barbie, but quickly became known as the Bimbo Barbie. Mattel has even bigger plans for a new doll for the 2003 sales season. "Our Lewinsky Barbie will blow away the competition," said Anne Drogynos, a Mattel spokesthing. Ms. Drogynos said the Lewinsky Barbie couldn't be released this year because its pneumatics still haven't been perfected. Former President Bill Clinton said the doll sounds interesting. He said he will buy a few when Mattel develops a cigar-friendly Lewinsky Barbie.

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa -- The dreaded brain-killing Patty Murray Virus has spread to South Africa, where health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang said his nation can't afford drugs to fight HIV/Aids because it needs submarines to deter attacks from nations -- such as the United States. Manto said, "Look at what Bush is doing. He could invade."

TRENTON, New Jersey -- There is a never-ending contest among several of our 50 states to outdo everyone else when it comes to doing something stupid about guns. The toxic waste dump known as New Joisey has jumped into the lead with a law requiring new handguns be equipped with devices preventing anyone but the owner from firing them. Sounds good, you say? Problem is that the "user-identification" technology for the so-called "smart guns" isn't available -- and might never be. Senator Patty Murray placed an order for the first "smart gun" to become available. "I have always wanted a gun brighter than I am," she chirped.

LOS ANGELES -- Sean Penn, Senator Murray's favorite show-biz intellectual, made a three-day "fact-finding" trip to Iraq. Sean found that Iraqi dictator is almost as nice a fellow as Patty believes Osama bin Laden to be. Penn did get a little bent out of shape when Iraq's controlled media put words in his mouth. His legendary anger -- expressed when he routinely whacks photographers - - failed to surface in Iraq. "Those Iraqi guys might fight back," a Penn spokething said.

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina -- Oh, America. An idiot like Patty Murray can get something of a pass on Osama bin Laden, but poor Cass Ballenger gets pummeled for telling the truth. Ballenger, a Republican congressman from Hickory, N.C., confessed that he sometimes had "segregationist feelings" after conflicts with Rep. Cynthia McKinney, a black congresswoman so off-the-wall that she got voted out of office. "I mean, she was such a bitch," Ballenger said, incorrectly using the past tense. Ballenger was editorially attacked from the Washington Post to newspapers in North Carolina. Fact is that Congresswoman McKinney is such a jerk that she might have invoked racist emotions in Dr. Martin Luther King.

WASHINGTON -- There was very little humor to be found in the aftermath of the airliner attacks on the World Trade Centers and the Pentagon. However, people with a modicum of knowledge had to guffaw when the usual cast of hand-wringers tuned up in their familiar chorus about the "vulnerability" of American nuclear power plants. Now a U.S. nuclear facility is virtually impregnable. An airliner hitting the four-foot-thick containment domes would bounce off. In short, American nukes are harder than Patty Murray's head.

TOW, Texas -- A Yahoo headline of December 20 tells something about the old Swedish mama and daddy of Iraq arms inspector Hans Blix. "Blix Says US, UK Not Giving Him Enough Intelligence." Colin Powell is trying to find a diplomatic way to tell Hans that the U.S. and Britain aren't his parents. Senator Patty Murray said she believes Blix might be able to borrow some intelligence from Osama bin Laden.

WASHINGTON -- In what simply must be an idea he borrowed from Patty Murray, President Bush is considering putting tens of thousands of Mexican illegal aliens on U.S. Social Security rolls.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If you needed a brain transplant, would you accept Patty Murray as a donor?

And the Freemans at Cottonwood Cove in Tow, Texas, wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.