January 6, 2003 -

MOHAMMEDAN MAILOGRAPHY!

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The religion of Peace and Love gets POed.

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Now, the details...

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- A holy war broke out in Florida's capital with angry American Muslims (is that becoming redundant?) whining, making death threats and promising to whip their 72 virgins or take flight lessons unless a Tallahassee columnist was brought to justice. So, the PC Tallahassee Democrat fined columnist Bill Cotterell a week's pay, and suspended him for the period, for getting angry in a return e-mail with an angry Muslim e-mailer. Cotterell apologized profusely and at last report was researching President Bush's post-Sept. 11 speeches to ensure that he now understands Islam to be a religion of Peace, Forgiveness and Tranquility.

The loving Muslims got their camel dander up over a cartoon by Pulitzer Prize winner Doug Marlette. The 'toon featured a Muslim terrorist in a missile-tipped Ryder truck and its caption was "What Would Mohammed Drive?" The bravely PC captains of the Democrat didn't run the cartoon in the newspaper, but the advocates of Peace, Love, Forbearance and fatwas still sent death threats to Marlette and bombarded the newspaper's staff with around 10,000 e-mails complaining about the cartoon. Tallasslers said executives at the Democrat required urgent medical treatment when their lips seized up from the unaccustomed pressure of reading all the e-mail.

SEATTLE -- Washington Democratic lamebrain Sen. Patty Murray was keeping a profile as low as her I.Q. last week, but still suffered from attempted defense by her friends. Seattle Post-Intelligencer columnist Charles Pope said Murray must deal with fallout from "off-the-cuff" remarks in which she expressed something approaching admiration for Osama bin Laden's good deeds. "Off the cuff?" Huh? Ms. Murray's first explanation was that her remarks were calculated to cause a group of high-school students to think. Personally, I am in favor of this. Sen. Murray should encourage students to think -- even if she isn't capable of doing it herself.

DALLAS -- All Dallas Cowboys fans know America's Team is in a heap of trouble. There's the story from last season about a Cowboys football fan who left his season tickets on the dash of his BMW. He returned to find that someone had broken the windshield and left two more Cowboys season tickets on the dash. But now the Cowboys face LA scumbag Johnnie Cochran on charges of hiring Bill Parcells, a white football coach. Cochran points out that O.J. Simpson was available for the job and is currently unemployed.

WASHINGTON -- Gay-rights organizations want the Supreme Court to intervene in the coming war with Iraq. "The Big Court is supposed to decide this year whether states can continue to prosecute homosexual men for having sex in their own homes. That's fine," said Lite Loaffers, a gay-rights spokesman, "but Iraq is important, too. I read in the New Dork Times that the war could be a rear-guard action," he said.

BAGHDAD -- The Iraq war will answer an interesting question: Can a smart bomb penetrate a complete idiot. The question comes to mind because an American fool named Ken Nichols O'Keefe says he plans to go to Iraq to serve as a "human shield" for Saddam Hussein.

NEW YORK -- New Dork Times columnist Tom Friedman wrote a confused column for the Sunday Dork. Friedman seems to be conflicted over whether the U.S. should not wage war on Iraq because Iraq has oil. Or whether the U.S. should kick hell out of Iraq because Iraq has oil. Friedman was so confabulated that he even wrote this: "Our family spent winter vacation in Colorado, and one day I saw the most unusual site: two women marching around the Aspen Mountain ski lift, waving signs protesting against war in Iraq." Now Aspen is a nice site, but what Friedman saw was a "sight."

NEW YORK -- The mighty New Dork Times has a new dork in charge of its Op-Ed page. David Shipley, a former special assistant and senior speechwriter for President Bill Clinton, was installed as editor of the Dork's Op-Ed page. He bumps aside Terry Tang, a female lawyer. An announcement said Ms. Tang will be given "significant new responsibilities." Sources said she probably will be put in charge of arranging psychiatric therapy sessions for columnist Maureen Dowd. "Working with Maureen's mind is not for the faint of heart," said a spokesthing for the Dork. Sources said Ms. Tang is reeling from the humiliation of a not-yet-disbarred lawyer being shunted aside for a Clinton bozo.

LONDON -- Now this one is ridiculous. It seems that some dummies at various corporations want to replicate the success of Viagra with a pricey pill to cure the corresponding sexual problem in women. Critics of the medical project say there is really no "female sexual dysfunction" disease/ailment/syndrome. I'm not certain that's correct, since I have personal knowledge of such a disability. The most popular medications for it have been aspirin or Tylenol.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Patty Murray took Female Viagra, could she be used as a boardwalk?