January 13, 2003 -

BRAINDEAD BOOBOGRAPHY!

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Sheryl Crow fears karmic retributions; and then there is the death penalty.

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Now, the details...

LOS ANGELES -- Singer Sheryl Crow has a nice voice and is pleasant to look at. But her mind, it seems, is just as likely to be platinum as one of her albums. Sheryl wore a t-shirt at the American Music Awards. It read: "War is not the answer." Elaborating, as best she was able, Ms. Crow warbled this: "I think war is based in greed and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow." Completing her thoughts before her brain shut down for the year, she added: "The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies." The Wall Street Journal had the best agreement with Simple Sheryl. "...Crow has a point about the desirability of not having enemies. So let's kill them."

CHICAGO -- Gov. George Ryan, a Republican who managed to combine the studied incompetence of Jimmy Carter with the moral compass of Boss Tweed and Bill Clinton, did a favor for fellow criminals just before he slimed out of office. Ryan commuted to life imprisonment the death penalties of 163 men and 4 women. Now bear in mind that Ryan is a scum whose administration has been called a "continuing criminal enterprise." Then consider that he is now Hero Numero Uno to the anti-capital punishment nutballs worldwide. The very cynical among us suspect Big George might have gone on his Save The Slime campaign in quest of the million bucks that goes with the Nobel Peace Prize. Don't scoff. A terrorist (Yasser Arafat) won it as well as an idiot (Jimmuh Carter).

Of course, there's always a chance that Ryan might get a key job at the United Nations Human Rights Commission. Totalitarian Libya, one of the most repressive nations on the planet, gets the chairmanship of the commission next week.

SAN FRANCISCO -- Ah, California. The so-called Golden State is to idiots as Miami is to Cuban refugees. So it's no surprise that a hilariously flawed TV commercial bashing sport utility vehicles comes from the pea brain of Arianna Huffington, columnist, bimbo and golddigger extraordinaire. Arianna's commercials copy the tack taken by public service announcements suggesting that buying illegal drugs sends money to terrorists. In the world of the brain-impaired, buying gasoline for an SUV does the same. As for me, I'll pay attention when I see Arianna levering her silicon boobs, and her chauffeur, into a Yugo.

SACRAMENTO -- No discussion of California idiots would be complete without something from the Chief Nutball, Gov. Gray Davis. Now Democrat Davis has a problem with capital punishment. Typical of the state that elected him, it's a spacey kind of problem. That's because California sentences about 20 people a year to the Cleansing Needle but can bring itself to kill only one a year. California has 603 people sentenced to death and no plans for many funerals. So, even while facing an eye-popping budget deficit for state gummint, Davis proposes to spend $220 million for a "state-of-the-art" death house that will hold up to 1,000 men. Why not carry out the sentences of 600 of the present slime count and put the remaining three in Arianna Huffington's garage?

HELENA, Montana -- Helena's first famous person was Gary Cooper, who was born there and made certain he never had to return. There have been other Montanans who tickled the news occasionally. Senate Majority Leader Mike Mansfield was one. And, of course, there was the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, who had a little cabin north of Helena where he made bombs and underlined passages from Algore's "Earth In The Balance" tome. Now we have State District Judge Thomas Honzel, who ruled that Tessa Haley's confession can't be used at trial because one of her alternative personalities (a mean bitch named Martha) wasn't paying attention when the cops Mirandized Tessa for trying to murder a roommate.

Lewis and Clark County Attorney Leo Gallagher said Judge Honzel's ruling was a prudent decision in an unusual case. Chances are good that Gallagher would have liked to say something different. Maybe: "Judge Honzel is only a little nuttier than Tessa and Martha and he doesn't even have one personality, much less two."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Sheryl Crow's brain falls inside a thimble, will a nearby pissant apologize for passing gas?