January 20, 2003 -

JUGHEADED JIMMUHOPTEMY!

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The Peanut Brain strikes again. And then there's George the Loon.

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CARACAS, Venezuela -- It appears from a great distance that the last thing Venezuela needs is one more fool. The country is run by Hugo Chavez, a left- winger who has no compunctions about killing or brutalizing his numerous opponents. Times are tough in Venezuela. There is something of a nationwide strike going on and Venezuela's oil business is now a trickle. Gasoline in Venezuela once sold for around 25 cents a gallon and now there are gasoline lines that rival those from the days of Jimmuh Carter's U.S. presidency. So what does Venezuela get? Jimmuh, the Nobel Peace Prize awardee and confirmed idiot. Jimmuh is meeting with Chavez to see if he can work the same magic in Venezuela he did in North Korea, where he negotiated a deal that allowed the Communist government to begin an ambitious nuclear-weapons program which Uncle Sugar generally paid for. There is no indication that anyone with a brain wanted Jimmuh to negotiate with Chavez, meaning he decided all by himself.

HOLLYWOOD -- Just when we think Hollywood's fools have quieted down, a new bonehead leaps from Stage Left. The latest prince of duncery is George Clooney (Rosemary's nephew), who is a double threat. Prettyboy Georgiepoo first unburdened himself of an opinion that President Bush is running the country in the fashion of the mob family on The Sopranos. Then he made a disgusting joke about fellow actor Charlton Heston's Alzheimer's disease and, on sober reflection, sneered at an opportunity to apologize. Quoth Georgiepoo on Heston: "I don't care. Charlton Heston is the head of the National Rifle Association. He deserves whatever anyone says about him."

Clooney's latest movie is titled "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind." Hollywood insiders believe Clooney's idiocy might be planned. "Somebody is going to get the leading role to play lots of famous idiots. It's possible that Clooney is angling for the lead in the Jimmy Carter Story -- Or Confessions of a Hilarious Half-Wit," said Braine Dedde, president of Looneys for Clooney.

NEW YORK -- I smoked my last cigarette on July 23, 2001 but I remain sensitive to ridiculous stories about smoking. No public official on the major stage today is more of an anti-tobacco nutball than New York City's midget mayor, Mike Bloomberg. Hearing that members of the Rolling Stones were smoking on stage at Madison Square Garden, Hizzoner issued orders for his cops to bust them -- for violating New York City's smoking ban. The crafty Stones eluded Bloomberg's goons and the mayor is reported to be in as high dudgeon as a near-midget can be. One wonders if maybe the mayor, a reformed cigarette smoker, has started puffing on something stronger.

NEW YORK -- It's about time to revoke the American Green Card of Reuters, the worldwide news agency. Reuters, you might recall, can't bring itself to refer to terrorists as what they are, explaining that "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter." Here's the latest Reuters tangle, in a paragraph from a story asserting that there has been yet a new letter from "freedom fighter" Osama bin Laden: "If the letter is genuine, it would mark the first missive of 2003 from the leader of the al Qaeda network, widely blamed for a series of atrocities across the world including the attacks of September 11, 2001, and last October's Bali nightclub bombing." Widely blamed? Maybe all of Reuters alleged reporters were attending diversity training when the rest of us saw a videotape of bin Laden, in which he bragged about the Sept. 11 attacks.

MIAMI -- First there was Naked News. Now there's Naked-Air, advertised as a "clothing-optional" flight. Castaways Travel of Houston, a travel agency specializing in naked trips, has chartered a May 3 flight from Miami to Cancun. "Once the aircraft reaches cruising altitude, you will be free to enjoy the flight clothes-free," the Castaways web site says. Naked passengers are warned not to get carried away, that hanky-panky will not be allowed -- no matter what part of the anatomy is in an upright and locked position. (Actually, I think the most intriguing question about the story is why the clothing-optional semi-literates at Castaways Travel decided to hyphenate "Naked-Air.")

TOW, Texas -- A denizen of a private wire for journalism Old Farts says the following is a sign sighted at Bandera, Texas. "Twin Oaks Bail Bonds: Call Us If They Take You Alive."

And our first giggle of the week came during CBS Sunday Morning's news segment when a stern-faced woman "peace" protestor said, "I didn't vote for Bush and if I could I would withdraw my vote!"

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If we force Venezuela to keep Jimmuh Carter there, could we be accused of a Crime Against Humanity?