January 27, 2003 -

HUMPING HILLARYOGRAPHY!

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The Domestic Diva meets the Queen of Mean, and there's news of the Dork.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Birds of a feather? It came out that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton made a telephone call to domestic expert and insider trader Martha Stewart recently. Money Mad Martha told New Yorker magazine she has received support from Sen. Clinton over her clash with the feds, who want to put her in the blender for illegal trading in ImClone System stock. Hillary denied she overtly supported Martha. "We just talked about things we have in common. You know. Stonewalling prosecutors. Lying under oath. And I gave her a few tips on cattle futures," Hillary harrumphed.

NEW YORK -- There was some interesting news about the mighty New Dork Times. Not in the Dork, of course, but in Page 6 -- the gossip column of the New York Post. It seems that the mighty Dork killed a column because it attacked a public relations technique often used by flack Krystyna Stachowiak, described as the fiancee of Dork Executive Editor Howell Raines. Now that's not what caught my eye. Newspapers kill columns, and stories, all the time. What I found very interesting is that Raines of the gay-friendly Times has a fiancee -- and it's a woman.

HOLLYWOOD -- More proof rolled in that Clooney is very close to Loony. You'll recall that pretty boy actor George Clooney made a tasteless joke about Charlton Heston's Alzheimer's disease ("Charlton Heston announced again today that he is suffering from Alzheimer's") and refused to offer any manner of apology. Clooney said Heston deserves anything because he heads the National Rifle Association. Heston, flashing more class in a moment than Clooney can in life, contrasted Georgiepoo with his late aunt, Rosemary Clooney. "It just goes to show that sometimes class does skip a generation," Heston said. Indeed.

BERLIN -- Krauts and Frogs hissed and threw their high-heeled shoes against walls last week over Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld referring to the French and German governments as the "old Europe." The Germans and Frogs, it seems, can conceive of no reason that Saddam Hussein should be forcibly removed from power. French Finance Minister Francis Mer said he was "profoundly vexed" by Rumsfeld's remarks. Mer said "old Europe" will be around and the Frogs will demonstrate that, in time. "There will be a day when the arrogant Americans need lessons on the proper methods of surrendering and that knowledge is imbedded in the very genetic structure of Frenchmen," he said. A German official said arrogant Americans some day might require Teutonic tactical advice on how to handle hundreds of thousands of surrendering Frenchmen.

WASHINGTON -- Washington Post legend Bob Woodward is risking his standing among Big Media folk by reporting that the Bush administration has assembled evidence showing Iraq has been actively moving and concealing banned weapons systems to shield them from U.N. inspectors. However, Washington Democrats and their handmaiden media helpers had a ready explanation: It's all George W. Bush's fault. Senate Minority Midget Tom Daschle said the problem didn't arise during the Clinton administration because Saddam Hussein trusted President Bill. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Dubya has turned Iraqi weapons people into "the new homeless. He has done to these proud Iraqis the same thing he wants to do for all of America," Ms. Pelosi said.

NEW YORK -- The National Association of Fat Butts announced plans to burn one pizza parlor a day in protest of a federal judge's action dismissing a lawsuit in which parents of fat children tried to blame McDonald's Corp. The outbreak of common sense came from a delightfully named U.S. District Judge, Robert Sweet, who dismissed the stupid lawsuit. Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando are reported meeting with their lawyers at a safe and secure Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream location.

NEW YORK -- It appears that "60 Minutes" executive producer Don Hewitt might get his wish. Hewitt, 80, had been fending off CBS brass, which held that the geriatric look of "60 Minutes" might need some face balm -- or Viagra. However, Hewitt signed a new 10-year deal with CBS under which he will continue as the honcho of "60 Minutes" until June 2004, then will accept a gentle boot upstairs. The National Association of Funeral Directors has stationed several representatives at the "60 Minutes" operations. "There are more rich old farts here than we could find at Sun City," said Detthe Thrette, an embalmer from Los Angeles.

TOW, Texas -- I have ever suspected that the Postal Service -- famed as the shooting arm of the federal gummint -- actually is populated by wimps, dorks and eunuchs. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw an official Postal Service placard for special stamps. This one was called "Stallion of the Cimarron" and featured a pretty bay pony, apparently galloping across the plain. Problem with this stallion is that he is either a liberal Democrat, or a mare, since stallions have visible equipment that so identifies them. The Post Office version has nothing.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Might the ancient "60 Minutes" crew be hanging on for the honor of tossing softball questions at President Chelsea Clinton?