February 3, 2003 -

PRAYERFUL PREDATION!

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Democrats drop to their knees (and not the way you're thinking).

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And more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Democrats in the House of Representatives minority took a huge political chance after the Columbia disaster. Meeting at a western Pennsylvania resort, Democrats eschewed whining about President Bush to go into prayer sessions. Sources said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Looney Tune, managed some Bush-bashing. "I'm certain I heard Nancy pray that President Bush is on the next Space Shuttle mission," said Skumm Baggerly, a veteran left-wing activist. He added: "Allah Akbar."

NACOGDOCHES, Texas -- Private jets filled the East Texas skies with lawyers heading to Texas to seek victims of the space shuttle disaster. Mississippi lawyer Stycke E. Fingers spoke for the skyborne scum. "We know there are people here who came close to being struck by falling debris. There are people whose sexual functions will be impaired forever. More importantly, there is a mother lode of plaintiffs who have been permanently stricken by Space Shuttle Shudder Syndrome," Fingers said, explaining that Space Shuttle Shudder Syndrome has been diagnosed by a leading psychologist in Juarez, Mexico. SSSS Sufferers, he said, are unable to work when there are reports of anything flying through the sky. "Some SSSS Sufferers have been so traumatized that they were unable to cash their Social Security Disability checks," he said.

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pennsylvania -- Sad news from Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog who allegedly forecasts weather while attracting tourists to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Phil emerged and saw his shadow, assertedly predicting six more weeks of winter. Worse news came from groundhog researchers, who told the world that male groundhogs come out of their lairs this time of the year in search of sex: not weather. Tourism officials in Little Rock, Arkansas announced a plan to capitalize on the research reports. "We plan to have President Clinton, or a fat body double, come out of the Clinton Presidential Library once a month. If he sees the shadow of Ken Starr or a federal prosecutor, he will return to the darkness of his lair to have sex with the interns," said Skummie S. Spinnre, a longtime Clinton associate.

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Somewhat prophetically, murderer Granville Riddle said his farewells in both English and French before he met society's Cleansing Needle for murdering an Amarillo man with a tire iron during a 1988 home burglary. "I would like to say to the world I have always been a nice person," Riddle croaked in English and Frog. Granville's criminal career began just after he got out of diapers and ended when he clobbered Ronnie Bennett, 39, 15 times with the tire iron, leaving it embedded in Bennett's head. Granville said Bennett had made a pass at him but an autopsy showed that Bennett was so drunk at the time that he was almost comatose.

Riddle's supporters said the fact that he delivered his farewell lies in English and French indicated he had undergone a conversion to Christianity while spending around 15 years in jail. "Speaking in French was a signal to the Almighty. It means that Granville surrendered his soul to God," said Phrogge Phlailer, a spokesthing for Granville's Swiss wife.

SEATTLE -- President Bush should rejoice. He has the support, albeit lukewarm, from a key figure within the idiot left of the Democratic party. Now "idiot left" encompasses acres of idiots, so let me specify that I'm speaking of Sen. Patty (Osama's Mama) Murray of Washington. Braindead Patty said she would stand "shoulder to shoulder" with Bush in the war on terror. But she had some kinked discourse about the president's commitment to some of his promises. "It's one thing to put rhetoric on the table and another to make it a reality," she babbled. Understand that? If so, call your shrink.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina -- South Carolina has a new class of homeless -- multimillionaire Democrats running for President. This crowd is Homeless With Hundred Dollar Haircuts, created because the NAACP has declared a tourist boycott of the state. Jesse Jackson presumably has pledged he won't impregnate any South Carolina women in hotels there, so all good Democrats will have to stay out of hotels, motels, restaurants while they try to convince South Carolinians that they should succeed George W. Bush in the presidency. So far, only Joe Lieberman has had the brains to opine that it might be necessary to have a room and a meal while campaigning in the state.

TOW, Texas -- I can report that there is no Tow connection with the Space Shuttle tragedy. Silly, you say? Yep. But it's right in line with the Associated Press in Indianapolis, which posted this note on Saturday: "EDITORS: Initial research on the crew of the Space Shuttle Columbia indicates no obvious Indiana connections for any of the astronauts. A story with any Indiana angle will move if merited." In the vein of what's-not, I am happy to report that there are no indications that any Tow-vert is serving as a body double for Saddam Hussein. I'll let you know about Indiana on that, if I hear.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Bill Clinton saw his own shadow on Groundhog Day, are we in for six weeks of scandal?