February 10, 2003 -

FECKLESS FROGGIGGERY!

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We surrender to French-bashing.

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And other things. Now, the details...

SUGAR LAND, Texas -- They don't call House Majority Leader Tom DeLay "The Hammer" for no reason. DeLay was at a celebration of India's Independence Day when a Frenchie minced up and began croaking about Iraq. DeLay says: "... it was obvious we were not going to agree. And I said, 'Wait a minute. Do you speak German?' And he looked at me kind of funny and said, 'No, I don't speak German.' And I said, 'You're welcome,' turned around and walked off." Germany called for DeLay's immediate imprisonment on a charge of gigging a Frog without Security Council sanction.

SAN ANGELO, Texas -- Friend Robin sends the cover of the official magazine of the French Military: "Soldier of Surrender." Featured articles in S o S include: "White Flags. New technology that could save your life." And "Fitness: 3 Great Exercises to help you keep your arms up longer." And: "Fashion: You don't have to give up looking great! Hair care tips for the battlefield." S o S also appears to have a special consumer-testing section. In this one, the dogged Frog testers tell French soldiers what guns survived S o S's grueling drop test gauntlet." I apparently missed the edition that explained "Collaborating With The Enemy." Bummer.

WASHINGTON -- Recent best quote from newly minted hawk Colin Powell. Addressing the silly idea of U.N. forces accompany an enhanced group of Inspector Clouseaus in Iraq, Powell asked: "What are these blue-helmeted U.N. forces going to do? Shoot their way into Iraqi compounds?"

Meanwhile, Newsweek wins the Beautiful Thought Citation for a story asserting that new United States weaponry will basically shut down, or fry, all Iraqi electronics. Newsweek said: "Saddam and his lieutenants will be left shivering in silent darkness, alone and waiting to die."

Fox News Channel anchor Shepard Smith turned a few mush minds into boiling porridge with a remark about terrorism. Smith said he it would be "neat" if we were to nab some terrorists here before they could do anything, sending the Perpetually Prickly into puerile pathology about using the word "neat" in proximity to "terrorist." Well, it would be neat. Especially if we got to beat them, shoot them and then drench their bodies in pig blood -- so Allah will turn them away at Heaven's gate. We would want to leave one -- broken but alive -- so he could spread the word. And the event might make a great reality TV show: "Survivor: The Raghead."

WASHINGTON -- The head Frog in the United States croaked for the mighty New Dork Times. French Ambassador Jean-David Levitte wrote that Frogs back home remember quite well that the U.S. crossed the Great Frog Pond twice to rescue Frenchwomen from spending life on their backs in bad mein herr days. But Levitte concluded that Saddam Hussein "must be made to cooperate actively." Yeh. While the Frogs collaborate actively.

Meanwhile, at Disney's Paris theme park, a fireworks display caused 2,000 Frenchmen to surrender to a Vietnamese street vendor.

BANGOR, Maine -- Maybe patriotism is the reason Maine Democrats introduced the nation's "first comprehensive legislative package to combat obesity." After all, a slender target is harder to hit. Rick Berman, head of the Center for Consumer Freedom, indicated the Maine nannycrats should have a Big Mac and a Bud Lite. Berman said those promoting Maine's anti-obesity legislative proposal "are setting up the forbidden-fruit syndrome." Maine's multifarious gay groups are mobilizing to protest what they view as Berman's homophobic slur.

HOUSTON -- It wasn't surprising that a jury found Clara Harris guilty of murder. Clara had, after all, wheeled her Mercedes around and around in order to turn her cheating husband, David, into a speed bump. The only truly surprising thing, to me, during the trial was the opinion of one of those omniavailable "experts." It seems that one such 'spert said a Mercedes couldn't turn sharply enough to do what Clara did. That despite the fact that Clara's careening had been caught on tape.

TOW, Texas -- This will be the last "From Cottonwood Cove" column for a few weeks. Now I realize there are those among you who would opine that I have zero in common with Sen. John Kerry. Well, take this! Our Beloved Coveian is scheduled to have surgery on February 18 to cure an early case of prostate cancer. I pledge that I will return to the campaign quickly. However, I have checked my family tree and find that, unlike Kerry, I'm not Jewish.

I am told that the chief risk of the surgery involves a 5 percent chance of death from the anesthesia procedures. Let it be known that I support anesthesiologists and other gas-passers, without regard to race, color, creed, national origin and that I pledge to make a significant donation to www.gaspassers.com *IF* I am in the fortunate 95 percent.

My medical situation has prompted one of our female hypochondriac friends to play catchup. She demands that her doctor give her a PSA test.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Hard to improve on one from the London Sun. It goes: Q: What's the difference between toast and Frenchmen? A: You can make soldiers out of toast.