May 12, 2003 -

PERIPATETIC PREVARICATION!

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The mighty Dork takes a header. But it's probably Dubya's fault.

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And more. Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- The mighty New Dork Times has been laid low by affirmative inaction. It seems the Dork's multiple layers of editors couldn't keep the word flowing that a young affirmative-action hire, Jayson Blair, obviously worshiped Dick Nixon and Bill and Hillary Clinton as his gods of truth. Blair was allowed to run fact-free on large national stories (such as the Washington sniper drama) to the point that some of us don't know what was true -- because we went to the Times for information. The Dork pulled out all the stops in a huge story trying to correct Jayson's muddled record. Times sources said Executive Editor Howell Raines had to pull 15 employees off the Masters Golf/Hootie Johnson beat to shore up the multitude assembled for the Blair Snitch Project.

Meanwhile, Times columnists Maureen Dowd and Paul Krugman huddled with Democratic strategists. "Maureen has a gut feeling that the Jayson Blair problem has its roots in the George W. Bush administration," said Gaye Blaid of the Times Alternative Reality Department. Blaid said Krugman believes it's possible that the Bush/Cheney administration placed Blair at the Times in order to discredit its reporting on the economy in the run-up to the 2004 campaigns.

And marketers of fiction expressed hope that Blair might have impregnated similarly disgraced Washington Post Pulitzer Prize Winner Janet Cooke. Ms. Cooke won journalism's top award in 1981 for a completely bogus series ("Jimmy's World") about an 8-year-old heroin addict. "If there is a child from Janet and Jayson, the kid's first school essay will be a shoo-in for every fiction award in the country," said a spokesthing for a New York publishing house. Some Times-watchers discounted the likelihood of a Blair-Cooke liaison. "It's possible that Jayson was straight, but Times hiring policy has been weighted very heavily toward gays," said Litte N. Loaffers, who resigned from the Times National Desk to become a successful interior decorator.

HOUSTON -- New Dork Times lawyers are researching Texas law to ascertain if Jayson Blair might be charged with sodomy in his dealings with Executive Editor Howell Raines and Publisher Pinch Sulzberger. "There is no doubt that Jayson had his way with Howell and Pinch and there is a possibility he might have filed an expense account indicating he was in Texas at one time during the multiple sodomies," a Times lawyer sniffed.

NEW YORK -- Oh, the pain. The Second Most Important Woman In The World (behind Baba Wah-Wah) is Diane Sawyer. If you don't believe that, ask Diane. And if you had a strong stomach, you watched Diane's interview with the Dixie Dipsticks, sometimes known as the Dixie Chicks. Lead Dixie Bitch Singer Natalie Maines spoke to Diane -- who obviously has had a new hemorrhoid implant. (That gives Diane that aura of painful concern). Natalie said she should not have said she regretted that President George W. Bush is from Texas. But that she had a right to say that she regrets GWB is from Texas. Then she indicated that nobody has a right not to buy music from the Dixie Dipsticks, explaining that not buying Dixie Dummy music is a violation of the First Amendment. (I hope you are understanding this. It's tough).

My favorite part of the Dixie Dumbshit defense of Natalie, however, was the written word. As written on pictures pretending to be the nude bodies of Natalie and the two other Dixie Dips. Written across the body pretending to be that of the porky Natalie was "Peace." Now I'm no Dixie Dumbbunny devotee, but I can tell you the body with the writing on it didn't belong to Natalie Maines. If it had been Natalie's body, the wording would have been: "Peace Be With You, According to the Writings of Hugh Harper Van Swearingen Junior."

PLAINS, Georgia -- Fans of hypocrisy and country music announced that Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle will relocate to Georgia to begin a country-music partnership with former presidential disaster Jimmuh Carter. "We're finalizing the details of the new C&W band, but we have settled on the name. The group will be called The Dixie Pricks," said Melvin Muddlur, an intimate of both men.

BAGHDAD -- There were ill-founded reports from the Middle East. Iraq announced early in the brief war that 4,000 Arabs had gone to Iraq to martyr themselves for Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, the announcement appears not to have been true.

BAGHDAD -- There remain rumors that Saddam Hussein will appear, live, on an Arab television network. Sources said Saddam probably will read an announcement about his fate. The sources said disgraced TV star Peter Arnett will stand in for Hussein if the Maximum Leader isn't available. In a related development, Arnett has been named the National Bird of France.

TOW, Texas -- Reports from the Cottonwood Cove Intelligence Services indicate a huge influx of chemists to French's Mustard Co. "It is imperative that we move quickly to change the color of French's Mustard," said Ahl Merican, a spokesman for the company. Merican noted that many people don't know that French's is named after a red-blooded American -- not a simpering Frog. "We believe if we change the color of the product from `yellow' then people will realize French's doesn't have any connection with Frenchmen," he said.

Meanwhile, we have unearthed a devious plan involving our beloved friends, the Frogs. Seeking to shield the terrorist government of Syria from the fate that befell Iraq, France plans to declare war on Syria. Then the French will, as expected, surrender to Syria. This will give birth to a new country, Frogria, which will have a seat on the Security Council and a strategic spot in the Middle East.

MANYARA NATIONAL PARK, Tanzania -- Democratic strategists were horrified to learn that a horrific new venereal disease has been found among baboons in eastern Africa. Sources said party Attack Lizard James Carville has gone into isolation in a banana tree. "There is no evidence yet that the disease can spread to people who are half baboon and half lizard, but James is taking no chances," said Rotcha Kochoff, a Democratic epidemiologist.

WASHINGTON -- Spouting quotations from either Inner France or Outer Space, would-be first lady Teresa Heinz gave a truly hilarious interview about planning for potential marital problems. Teresa is a megabucks heir to the Heinz products fortune. Her husband, Mr. Teresa Heinz, is sometimes known as Sen. John F. Kerry, a Massachusetts Democrat who is running for President of the United States. Anyway, here's Teresa on prenuptial agreements: "Everybody has a prenup. You have to have a prenup. You've got to have a prenup. You could be as generous or as sensitive as you want. But you have to have a prenup."

I confess that Carole and I don't have a prenup. I probably was busy playing polo just before our wedding and didn't go by my lawyer's office. Maybe because I didn't have a lawyer. It was a while back.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Jayson Blair and Janet Cooke write their own prenup, will Bill and Hillary witness it?