June 2, 2003 -

BUMPKIN BOMBOGRAPHY!

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Eric Rudolph's secrets are revealed. And, of course, there's the Mighty Dork.

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Now, the details...

MURPHY, North Carolina -- The mystery of Eric Rudolph's camouflage is becoming clear. Rudolph had been on the FBI's Most Wanted list for five years and the government had spent an eye-popping $30 million trying to find him. (He was busted by a $20,000 a year rookie cop.) But in great issues, there is always disagreement. Now some of you might have been standing in line for Hillary Clinton's tell-all autobiography and don't remember Eric Rudolph. He is a nutball who apparently set off bombs at the Atlanta Olympics, a gay bar and an abortion clinic. Some insiders believe Rudolph disguised himself as Hillary's financial records and was shielded from public view for years. Others theorize that Rudolph kept out of public view by craftily running for the Democratic presidential nomination.

"Bill and Hillary both have been privately counseling Democrats that we need to get a bomb-thrower in the race. I guess nobody noticed Eric during the South Carolina debate," said Shortte Fuzer, a Clinton intimate. A third theory holds that Rudolph spent much of his time in Iraq, disguised as a Weapon of Mass Destruction. "He left Iraq in Hans Blix's diplomatic pouch and came back to North Carolina. He knew he was no longer safe, since Hans and his U.N. weapons inspectors were not going to be in charge of trying to find him," a CIA source said.

ARDMORE, Oklahoma -- Ardmore is now a common word in Texas. You might, or might not, recall that some 50 brave Democratic House of Representatives members chose to flee to Ardmore rather than stay in Austin and work. The Democrats said they only had the public good in mind -- by way of killing a redistricting bill that would reflect the Texas Republican majority in Congress. However, Democrats learned a lot from Bill and Hill -- but they always have known how to lie. Democrats said Ardmore was selected because it's just over the Texas border. My personal suspicion is that Ardmore probably has a really neat gay bar.

Ardmore appears to be a combination word. "Ard" is Old English and can mean "associated with." Combining "Ard" and "more" in the context of Texas Democrats surely means Ardmore translates to "dullard."

NEW YORK -- Real people aren't all that interested in the travails of the mighty New Dork Times, so here are brief personality profiles of several of the key players in the Grey Lady's Dope Opera. We'll start with the publisher, Pinch Sulzberger. Pinch is a nutcase. Pinch's favorite employee at the Dork is Executive Editor Howell Raines. Raines is such an ass that he goes to a proctologist for his annual physical. The managing editor is Gerald Boyd, who is an insufferable and unapproachable boorish fellow. Disgraced Times reporter Jayson Blair is a liar, plagiarist and expense-account cheat. And then there is Rick Bragg, a gifted writer who couldn't be bothered by doing his own reporting. Bragg resigned. Believe it or not, it's damned possible that Jayson is the nicest person in this gaggle of media misfits.

If you need to clear some bad Freedom Fries out of your stomach, this quotation from Raines might make you upchuck. Speaking soulfully to a meeting of all Timesdorques, Raines said of Jayson's special treatment: "Does that mean I personally favored Jayson?" Then: "Not consciously. But you have a right to ask if I, as a white man from Alabama, with those convictions, gave him one chance too many by not stopping his appointment to the sniper team. When I look into my heart for the truth of that, the answer is yes." (Is your stomach clear now?)

The wonderfully outrageous Andrew Sullivan (my personal favorite gay conservative intellectual) has a website he recommends to solve Howell Raines's problems. It's www.rent-a-negro.com. Now we all know that arrogant, elitist, millionaire white liberals jerks such as Howell have made their reputations by pretending to guilt about having been born in Alabama. That helps them, of course, when they run their news fiefdoms like plantations. It's a liberal "thang." However, if you know Howell, let him know about rent- a-negro.com. It could work. Otherwise, it looks like it's only a matter of time before those Yankees at the New Dork Times gonna put Massuh Howell in de cole, cole ground.

ROCKFORD, Illinois -- We know Jayson Blair was a racist and silly little twit, but if he had kept his head down he could have been a Pulitzer Prize-winning twit. Witness New Dork Times Prize-winner Chris Hedges, who has been misrepresenting American fighting forces for 15 years as a war correspondent for the Mighty Dork. Jayson's idiocy was revealed in bits, but the longer brain-impairment of Chris Hedges came in a lump -- at Rockford (Ill.) College, where some idiot paid Hedges $5,000 to give a commencement address. Hedges had prepared an anti-American screed and the graduates, and their parents/friends, booed him off the stage in three minutes.

If you happen to have some problem believing that a New Dork Times correspondent is an idiot, consider this transcript from a Hedges Interview on "Democracy Now," a website for like-minded nutballs. Question: "You decided to continue the speech though, from beginning to end." Answer: "The speech was longer than it was, it should have been a little longer, it was cut short. But I was determined not to let them determine when I would finish speaking and I think the college president felt the same way. At the same time he didn't want it to go on for another hour. But he didn't want to let the crowd determine that it was over, but I didn't finish, no."

I hope you're now clear on that. The speech was longer than it was and it was shorter than long. He didn't let the crowd tell him when to finish his hour but it was more like a few minutes. (Is mental illness a requirement to work for the New Dork Times?)

The Rick Bragg saga stirred ex-President Bill Clinton to moralize. Bragg was accused, possibly correctly, on misuse of an intern when he said a trial he was supposedly covering was going on too long so he told his trusty female intern to do the reporting. Bragg said: "That is what interns do." Clinton said Bragg is insensitive and obviously blew it. Ms. Monica Lewinsky was not available for comment.

BAGHDAD -- Maybe we really do need the Frogs in Baghdad. Learning that some Iraqis are getting paid, former members of the Iraqi armed forces said they, too, want to be paid. If they don't get paid, some said, they will take up arms. The possibility that the supposedly lethal Iraq army will now fight is somewhere between Comedy Central and Leno. Somehow I don't believe this threat pushed Gen. Tommy Franks into retirement.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Shouldn't Howell and Pinch get royalties from Leno and Lettermen for all the material they've fed them?