June 21, 2003 -

DISAPPEARING DESPOTOGRAPHY!

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Hussein wasn't ever there. And there's news from midgets.

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Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- We have been listening for weeks now to the whines of the Bring Back Saddam lobby. It seems the Democratic party, and much of our national news industry, believes Saddam Hussein's Iraq was armed only with a couple of zip guns, two French tanks (they only go in reverse) and Jesse Jackson's unlisted telephone number. One result of the saturation campaign has been that most adults with an I.Q. above 35 now know that the initials "WMD" don't stand for Wholesale More Dung. The quest for WMD is causing some of us to wonder about even greater questions. That because we haven't found WMD.

Even worse, we haven't found Hussein, or his blown-to-bits parts. So is it possible that Hussein never existed? Given the furor, we have to consider the possibility that Hussein was simply a fig newton of George W. Bush's imagination. The same goes for Osama bin Laden, since we haven't found him either. Maybe some of Bush's powerful Hollywood friends teamed up with the evil oilmen in the Bush milieu and faked Osama.

"Wait!" you scream. "Bush doesn't HAVE any Hollywood friends. Powerful or feckless." Crafty devil, that GWB. Could it be that this simply shows how far Bush will go to hide his evil plan to turn America into a wasteland?

Come to think on it, I don't remember seeing Monica Lewinsky lately. Same for Jayson Blair. Not to mention Paula Zahn, so I won't mention her.

NEW YORK -- Bush-haters were in shock when New Dork Times Designated Psychotic Maureen Dowd wrote two consecutive columns without a single stupid slur of or misquotation from "W, Rummy or Condi." Hedde Kase, president of the Maureen Dowd Fan Club, said Dowd's deviation from form caused many anxious moments. "We know what to expect from our Xanax and from Maureen. When we don't get it, we get as crazy as Mo herself," Kase said. Kase said most Dowd Fan Club members wet themselves at the last meeting when they saw that Maureen was back, writing a typically brainless column about the Bushies and Hussein. Her theme was crystallized by this: "Could we have been at war with someone who wasn't fighting back?" (No, Maureen. Saddam is like objectivity and good sense at the New York Times: doesn't exist.)

OTTAWA -- Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien announced that Canada will prance into the 21st Century by becoming the world's third country to recognize same-sex matrimony. Canada, Belgium and the Netherlands now round out the world's Axis of Homosex.

In other Canadian news, a report prepared for Defense Minister John McCallum indicated that the Canadian military is without a clue about how many reserve soldiers it has. Sources said the Chretien government hopes to recruit the children of same-sex marriages to bring the Canadian military establishment back to a point at which it might threaten, say, Haiti.

And in other semi-Canadian news, former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean said he wants every state in the Union to recognize Canadian gay marriages as valid. As if to validate his Canadian credentials, Dean stumbled and fell on "Meet The Press" when he was asked how many people serve in the U.S. Armed Forces. He's clueless about that, but hopes most soldiers will marry within their sex group and platoon.

And there appears to be an Arkansas dimension to Howie, in that he is scoring heavily with show-biz nutballs. He got the endorsement of Clinton-loving Rob (Meathead) Reiner and such intellectuals as Whoopi Goldberg and Melissa Etheridge.

Dean is (pardon the expression) paired with Sen. John (Big Hair) Kerry, Rep. Richard (Slick Hair) Gephardt, Rep. Dennis (Bad Rug) Kucinich, Rev. Al (Even Worse Hair) Sharpton and former Sen. Carol (Wild Hair) Measley Brain in supporting "civil unions" for gays.

There are somewhere between nine and 882,211 Democrats running for President, and the Democratic party needs to pare down the field. So, I have a suggestion. The supporters of gay marriage should put their money where their mouths are. Kerry could marry Sharpton, Gephardt could enter into a "civil union" with Dean and Carol Mostly Blubber might marry, say, Hillary Clinton. It's possible Kucinich might find a male in Cleveland, the State Department or San Francisco who is stupid enough to civilly unionize with him.

TOW, Texas -- We have been blessed recently with words from New Fools and Old Fools. Editor Anders Gyllenhaal of the Minneapolis Star Tribune weighed in for the New Fools, tediously announcing that his newspaper will give up its hilariously stupid policy of banning American Indian team nicknames from its pages.

Old Fools were represented by Walter Cronkite, 86, who announced he will begin writing a newspaper column. Uncle Wally also outed himself as a life-long left-winger. Surpise, surprise!

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is it possible for liberal Vermont same-sex couples to adopt a gay baby?