September 30, 2003 -

PERIPATETIC PRIMATES!

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We found the Planet of the Apes. Sort of.

BOSTON -- Little Joe, who is young but weighs 300 pounds, escaped from his chamber at the gorilla exhibit of the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston. Little Joe explained that he is a lifelong Democrat and was trying to get to New Mexico so that Republicorillas couldn't redistrict zoos in Massachusetts. Austin zoo expert Molly Ivins sent bananas and Willie Nelson plans to dispatch a packet of funny cigarettes to sustain Little Joe and his pals on their next apebreak. Little Joe told reporters he had considered moving to California, where he could declare himself an illegal alien and get a driver's license. He rejected a suggestion that he move to Texas. "Some people wanted me to run for the state Senate as a Democrat. Others suggested I become superintendent of schools in Llano, Texas. However, I prefer to associate with higher classes of primates," Little Joe said.

SACRAMENTO -- I looked it up and found that independent loudmouth candidate Arianna Huffington was born in Greece. Arianna has proved much in her harridan candidacy for governor of California. For one, who can now doubt that California has an immigration problem? But we should note that publicity-hogging Arianna has unwittingly (or maybe half-wittedly) brought many people to a new understanding of sexual affairs. As a for-instance, I now completely understand why her last husband became a homosexual.

BOSTON -- Ted Kennedy, the Massachusetts White Whale, says President Bush made up fraudulent reasons for going to war in Iraq. Kennedy said, "The tragedy is that our troops are paying with their lives because their commander in chief let them down." Then Kennedy went on and on about Bush's asserted depravity. It's clear he believes Dubya is the kind of fellow who would swim away from a drowning woman and not bother to call for help.

ORLANDO, Florida -- Sweeping aside the fact that she would look much better with her face covered, a Florida judge ruled that a Muslim woman can't wear a veil for her driver's license photo. Judge Janet Thorpe held that Sultaana Freeman (no relation to your beloved columnist) would not suffer harm to her constitutional rights by baring her homely face. Sultaana contended having a full-face photo for her driver's license would violate her religious beliefs as a Muslim. The homely Islamic convert apparently doesn't realize that Muslim women aren't allowed to drive in most of the countries she purports to love.

NEW YORK CITY -- Media bigwig Barry Diller says he wants NBC News Reader Tom Brokaw to run for President. Strangely, no reporter writing the story asked Brokaw if he's a Democrat, Republican or Mugwump. However, we can assume Brokenjaw is a Democrat and would have an interesting executive lineup. Say, Blathering Dan Rather as Secretary of Defense, Psychotic Maureen Dowd as Surgeon General; Disgraced Journalist Howell Raines as Secretary of Welfare. And, of course, Sandra Dazed O'Connor as Chief Justice of the United States. Oh, and Martin Sheen as Attorney General.

In a somewhat related item, the Secret Service needs to check on a column headlined "Magnet for Evil." The piece, by Designated Psychotic Maureen Dowd of the mighty New Dork Times, blamed George W. Bush for everything from Iraqi suicide bombers to Palestinian bombers to the plague of toenail fungus. However, the Secret Service should be aware that Maureen will be drawing close. That's a given if Bush truly is a Magnet for Evil.

We really need to open remedial classes for reporters/editors at the left-wing British news agency known as Reuters. Here's a Reuters lead: "MONROVIA (Reuters) - A mortar bomb smashed into a building in the U.S. embassy compound in Liberia's capital Monrovia on Monday, a U.S. Navy spokesman said." (If you don't know the difference between a mortar shell and a bomb, don't despair. You might be able to get a job at Reuters.)

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia -- African butcher Idi Amin, who massacred people by the thousands in his time as dictator of Uganda, has been buried after breathing his last in a Saudi Arabian hospital. "We're not certain what was wrong with Idi," said a Saudi nutritionist, adding: "Maybe it was somebody he ate."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is Little Joe the gorilla running for governor of California? If not, why not?