October 27, 2003 -

BILL AT MEMORY GAP!

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The First Groper knew Tony was sick, even while Tony thought he was well. And the White Whale gets more confused than usual.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

LONDON -- Bill Clinton is a mystifying creep in more ways than one. But British governmental types were more Bill-baffled than usual when the former First Pervert told the world that British Prime Minister Tony Blair had discussed his health problems with him several years ago. The mystery comes because Blair had ZERO health problems until last week, when he had an irregular heart beat. It had never happened before. But Clinton told a Brit newspaper: "I've known about this for a long time. He told me about it quite a few years ago..."As soon as I heard what happened, I called to check he was OK. We had a talk and he sounded in good shape." However, this incident might explain a lot about the Clinton presidency. He was delusional then, too.

WASHINGTON -- Sen. Teddy Kennedy, the world's premier supporter of abortions, had to change his vote. The Massachusetts White Whale shocked his Democratic colleagues when he, at first, voted in favor of a bill to ban the medical infanticide known in polite circles as "partial birth abortion." A Kennedy intimate indicates Teddy wasn't paying attention and thought the bill had something to do with his former driving companion, Mary Jo Kopechne. "He thought the title was `partial bath abortion' and just hit the wrong button," he/she/it said. The Kennedy associate said everything went swimmingly after Teddy made his switcheroo.

TOW, Texas -- Next time you watch the reality TV show "Cops," be aware that you might be seeing the future further erosion of the Democratic party. At least that's a conclusion a body might get from two sociologists -- Cristopher Uggen and Jeff Manza. They looked at the figures and found that Algore would be president and Democrats would have controlled the U.S. Senate from 1986 -- except for one thing. That being that most states prohibit convicted felons from voting. Uggan and Manza calculate that felons banned from voting represent 2 percent of the country's potential voters. And, if the felonious slimeballs -- as opposed to the normal Florida Democrats -- could have hung a few chads, well, Al would have won by a least 30,000 votes.

But don't write the Democrats off completely. They're figuring a few things out. For one, most of the Democrats running for their party's presidential nomination don't scream for gun control. You might recall that the felon's choice, Algore, made a licensing of new handgun owners a central theme of his primary campaign in 2000. But things have changed. Now front-runner Howard Dean proudly tells audiences that the National Rifle Association endorsed him as governor of Vermont. Strange place, Vermont. Occasionally more liberal than Massachusetts, but Vermont is the only state in the union where it's legal to wear an unconcealed handgun.

Back a couple of thousand years ago, when I worked for Associated Press we didn't write our own headlines. So maybe I shouldn't have fallen out of my chair laughing when I read this one on an AP account of President Bush's news conference: "Bush blames attacks in Iraq on Terrorists." (Damn, and all this time we figured those suicide bombers were from Saddam's fanatical Girl Scout troops.)

PRINCETON, New Jersey -- Here's a news flash. Forty-five percent of Americans believe the news media in America are too liberal, while 14 percent say it's too conservative. A Gallup Poll found that a majority of Americans see the media leaning left, while only a third of Americans self-confessed lefties perceive the media as right-wing. Managers of most big media operations were in meetings to consider ways to impeach President Bush and bring abortion clinics to elementary schools and could not be reached for comment.

ATLANTA -- Georgia Democratic Sen. Zell Miller says he's hanging it up after one term. Miller, one of the most popular politicians in Georgia, hasn't quit the Democratic party, but says it has abandoned him. Don't look for Miller's swan song to win him any popularity contests with the bigwigs of his party. As he put it in his book: "Today our Democratic leaders look south and say, 'I see one third of the nation and it can go to hell.'"

And speaking of liberal fools (please pardon the slight redundancy), CBS TV has its tail in a crack over its apparent plan to do a hatchet job on former President Ronald Reagan. The New Dork Times (not exactly a prime outlet of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy) says a two-part miniseries THE REAGANS casts the former President as something of a blundering fool who hated homosexuals and took most of his advice from his wife. Nancy Reagan, of course, is said to be portrayed as a pill-popping control freak. A Times story says the CBS movie makes up things about the Reagans that never happened, while failing to mention that Reagan, for instance, won the Cold War. The actor playing Reagan is Mr. Barbra Streisand -- sometimes known as James Brolin.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Bill Clinton has supernatural powers, why did it take so long to find Hillary's financial records?