November 10, 2003 -

ADULTEROUS AUGMENTATION!

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Bill's with us, again. And then there's old Bobby Durst.

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Now, the details...

CONCORD, New Hampshire -- Ah, the legacy of Bill Clinton keeps moving forward. The latest Best-Of-Bill hangover comes from the New Hampshire Supreme Court, which decided, 3 votes to 2, that it's not adultery if a married woman has sex with another woman. The kinked decision comes in the case in which Robin Mayer of Brownsville, Vermont was named in the divorce proceeding of a "traditional" couple from Hanover, New Hampshire. Robin said she and the Hanover wife didn't commit adultery since homosex isn't adultery. Bill Clinton is trying to convince Monica Lewinsky to have a sex-change operation so he can prove conclusively that he and the former White House Shop-Vac weren't committing adultery in the Oval Office.

GALVESTON, Texas -- Maybe it's time to do away with the jury system. First O.J. Simpson got away with murder, after Texas then-zillionaire Cullen Davis did about the same. And now we have a cross-dressing New York creep named Robert Durst who appears to have done a Cullen/Juice act on a Galveston jury. Durst, a millionaire real-estate trust-fund jerk, admitted killing neighbor Morris Black -- who lived across the hall. Durst admitted he did an ultimate O.J. on Black's body, then dumped the bits and pieces into Galveston Bay. But Durst said he only did the hack job because he thought people wouldn't believe his story that he shot Black in self-defense. Imagine that. Now why would anyone doubt the word of a millionaire who posed as a mute woman and lived in a down-in-the-mouth $300-a-month apartment.

One hobble on Durst's credibility is Kathie Durst, a former Durst wife. She disappeared in 1982. Robert got around to reporting her as missing after five days.

It would be wonderful if Lt. Col. Allen West could get Durst's jury of eight female knuckleheads and four male mental midgets to hear his possible court martial. Colonel West did what some in the New Army can't stomach: he used serious methods to save his men from an ambush by Iraqi thugs. West performed a stern interrogation of an Iraqi security officer (who was helping plan the ambush of West's battalion). West fired his pistol very near the Iraqi thug's widdle ear. The brave "rebel" Iraqi quickly 'fessed up and West's people ambushed the people who wanted to ambush them. So, the Army has done what we would have expected it to do in the Clinton era. The fools in the Judge Advocate General's office have charged West with "criminal assault" and threaten to put him in jail and take away the benefits he deserves for almost 20 years of loyal service.

Or maybe Ronald and Fazila Verni of New Jersey could recruit the Durst jury to hear their lawsuit against the National Football League. The Verni's daughter was paralyzed after, they say, a New York Giants fan drank 14 beers at a game and then tried to drive home. Rosemarie Arnold, the Vernis's attorney, said the NFL and the Giants encourage drunkenness. "What they do is promote the concept that you can't have fun at a football game unless you're drunk," she said...leading some of us to wonder if she had one too many before her press interview.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Last I heard, The People's Republic of Central Texas (sometimes known as Austin) was the only city in the U.S.A. that pays for abortions. That's probably part of Austin's never-ending struggle to be a tad weirder than San Francisco. So imagine the surprise when abortion opponents performed a first-trimester abortion on construction of Planned Parenthood's South Austin clinic. Browning Construction of San Antonio walked away from its contract to oversee construction of the 9,931 square-foot clinic, saying pro-lifers had brought unbearable pressure. So unbearable that Browning feared for its financial health. However, the temporary work stoppage doesn't mean Austin fetuses are safe for the long term. The Planned Parenthood facility was to be the fourth licensed abortion operation in Austin.

TOW, Texas -- That smooching sound you heard last week was Democratic presidential front-runner Howard Dean kissing the South good-bye. First, Dean caused the other midgets in the Democratic field to get their panties in a knot when he said he would like to appeal to "guys with Confederate flags in their pickup trucks." Then Dean said he hopes the South will stop deciding its elections on "race, guns, God and gays."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: I saw a male fan at the last Dallas Cowboys game, dressed as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Does this mean Jerry Jones is sponsoring "Queer Eye For The Fan Guy?"