November 17, 2003 -

JUGHEADED JURYOGRAPHY!

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Old Bobby Durst's jurors can get a California gig.

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That, and more. Now, the details...

MODESTO, California -- A judge ordered Scott Peterson to stand trial for murder in the deaths of his wife and unborn son. Peterson's attorneys hope to get the case transferred to Galveston, Texas, site of a recent judicial train wreck known as the Robert Durst murder trial. A Galveston jury found Durst, a cross-dressing New York millionaire, didn't commit murder when he murdered his neighbor, sliced his body into pieces and dumped the parts into Galveston Bay.

A Peterson lawyer put it this way: "It will be difficult to get a California trial moved to Texas, but the least we ask is that the Galveston jurors be brought to California for the trial." Peterson's lawyers believe it might be difficult to find eight female fools and four male knotheads in Modesto to match the zero aggregate IQ of the Durst jury. "Besides, why should we have to go through the process of selecting a no-nothing set of buffoons when the record is clear that there are twelve Texas oafs who could hear our case," the lawyer said.

Since we're speaking of brains, almost, there is this "yeh, sure" story. In this one, several foreign websites report development of a brain scan that "identifies race bias among white people." Interestingly, the alleged scientists didn't test to see if their supposed scan could identify race bias among black people. Brain scans could have societal benefits, however. For instance, brain scanning of the jurors in the Robert Durst trial probably would have revealed no brains and maybe the jurors could have been kept from letting a killer go free.

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana -- Louisiana is, well, different. Now that's sort of like saying that O.J. Simpson isn't exactly the person you'd want your daughter to marry. Recent history might be remembered. Consider that Governor Edwin (Fast Eddie) Edwards served four terms before he finally was convicted as a criminal. Now Fast Eddie's criminal career probably began with his stealing baby formula, but he never lost a Louisiana election. But Eddie finally got sent to jail and there were indications Louisiana had figured things out.

So those of us who have had contact with Louisiana had high hopes last weekend when Louisiana voters had an choice on Saturday: whether to choose an apparently honest (at least by Louisiana standards) Democratic woman for governor, or a brilliant Indian-American Republican. Democrat Kathleen Blanco won -- getting more than 90 percent of the black vote and an unusually large percentage of white voters. That means that significant numbers of whites shunned Jindal because of his dark skin. All of which proves that Louisiana hasn't changed all that much. It's still dominated by a coalition of stupid white people and stupid black people. Well, that's a step forward, I guess. At least coonasses can say they're "bi-stupid."

UVALDE, Texas -- One of my favorite misquotations involves former Vice President John Nance Garner. If you believe most history, Cactus Jack Garner opined that being Vice President Vice President "isn't worth a bucket of warm spit." Now Garner's observation was earthier than that. So it's only reasonable that a subsequent Democrat Vice President has become a member of the board of directors of Falcon Waterfree Technologies -- which specializes in urinals that don't use water. Falcon needed a yellow rainmaker, so it signed up Algore. Good luck, Al. The environmental nutballs need you -- even if the rest of us don't.

TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- Gov. Jeb Bush joked that San Francisco might be endangered and "that's probably good for the country." Now Jeb was kidding, but the jest is more truth than fun. If you look back at all of what San Francisco has brought us, you can start with AIDS and then keep going through a litany of insanity that most recently wound up with some three-fourths of San Francisco people voting to keep Gray Davis as governor of California.

BOSTON -- Same-sex "marriages" got a kinda/sorta endorsement from the Massachusetts Supreme Court. But the court's 4-3 ruling didn't order marriage licenses be given to the couples who brought a lawsuit. The ruling closely follows the 1999 Vermont Supreme Court decision, which led the Vermont legislature to approve "civil unions." Holland approved homosexual marriage two years ago. Now eight percent of all Dutch marriages are same-sex. Planned Parenthood of Holland is reported to be in deep financial trouble, since no one has yet figured how to create pregnancies -- and abortions -- from same- sex unions.

TOW, Texas -- One conservative icon for the past half-century has been William F. Buckley Jr., whose very voice brings new meaning to the word "snooty." Buckley is a man with a lot to say, but he says it so obscurely that it's sometimes difficult to keep up. Take these from Big Bill's column of last week (the emphasis is mine, not Buckley's): "Politics SUPPURATES from the scene." (Suppurate: "To form or discharge pus."). "There are constitutional questions raised, and the Supreme Court is the accepted ALEMBIC in these matters." (Alembic: "an apparatus used in distillation.") He ends with: "But can we get satisfactory candidates for the courts who plead NESCIENCE as their primary qualification?" (Nescience: "lack of knowledge or awareness: IGNORANCE."). I wonder if Buckley is just that painfully learned, or is trying to make everyone forget his family came from Texas. (Maybe I'm just nescient.)

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Have you heard the story of the yuppie couple so liberal that they wanted to adopt a gay baby?