November 24, 2003 -

JARRING JACKASSERY!

---

Is Teddy Kennedy pulling carts in Iraq?

---

That, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON -- Dire news from the terror front. Saddammites used donkey carts in feckless attacks on the Iraqi Oil Ministry and two hotels in Baghdad. No harm to people came from the attacks, but introducing jackasses into the terror mix brings new security problems. "If we have to check every jackass as a terror threat, we'll be frisking Senator Ted Kennedy every time we see him and spending a lot of time shaking down little Tommy Daschle and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi," a Homeland Security source said. Asked if jackass security would mean doing a body search on Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackass-Lee, the spokesman shook his head, saying: "There are some things so disgusting I don't want to think about them."

FT. CARSON, Colorado -- It's painfully obvious that there is only one thing that Army Specialist Simone Holcomb does well. Simone has managed to have seven children. Sex Specialist Simone and her hubby, Vaughn, were both detailed to Iraq at the same time and Sgt. Holcomb's mother was supposed to take care of the Simone Seven. But mama-in-law had to go away and Specialist Holcomb's seven little chirren had no one to care for them. So Simone did the logical thing. She went AWOL from Iraq to take care of the little yuckky babies. The fierce Army types, fearing a PR nightmare, backed off from prosecuting Simone and put her into the dreaded Colorado Army Reserve, which could probably conquer Cheyenne, Wyoming, on a good day. But Simone is threatening to sue the Army to get back on "active duty" -- because there's about a $2,000 spread between being a full-time warrior and a weekender.

Sorry, Simone, but the Army should prosecute you for desertion, or AWOL, whichever is easiest. Oh, and give you a taxpayer-funded tubal ligation.

FORT MITCHELL, Kentucky -- A Democrat well-connected with Hollywood looney- tunes announced he plans to run for Congress from Kentucky's 4th District. The candidate is Nick Clooney, a newspaper columnist and the father of dimbulb actor George Clooney. Nick will have an unforgettable campaign slogan. "Vote for Clooney. Rhymes with Looney."

BURLINGTON, Vermont -- New word on Democratic front-runner Howard Dean. It's obvious that he will pick up support from the nutcase left, since he rather shamelessly evaded the draft during the Vietnam era. Dr. Dean's deferment was 1-Y, meaning he was qualified for military service only in case of extreme national emergency. That because of "spondylolysis" -- pain in the back that radiates into the legs. Dean's spondylolysis kept him out of Vietnam but didn't keep him from the rigors of being a ski bum in Aspen, Colorado. Comparatively, George W. Bush is Audie Murphy.

GUANTANAMO NAVAL BASE, Cuba -- Gitmo, home of the worst and the baddest of the Taliban and international terror community, is under fire. The U.S. jailing of terrorists as enemy combatants is being criticized by the International Committee of the Red Cross AND Patricia Heinz, whose husband, Mr. Patricia Heinz, is running for president as a Democrat. Now let's dismiss the Red Cross as no big deal. The IRC didn't criticize Hitler's death camps during World War II, so its advocacy for the terrorists is laughable. But Patricia Heinz is another matter. She inherited zillions in catsup and other Heinz products. And her husband is sometimes known as Sen. John Kerry. Now John isn't doing well in the presidential sweepstakes, but Patricia is wealthy enough to buy Cuba and turn it into Massachusetts.

LOS ANGELES -- Now I'm a law-and-order kind of guy, but I have to admit some sympathy for John William Racine II. JWRII got so fed up with the anti- American BS peddled on the pro-terrorist network known as Al Jazeera that he hacked the site and rerouted visitors to his own page. It featured an American flag and the motto "Let Freedom Ring." Since no good deed goes unpunished, JWRII was sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service and a $2,000 fine.

And here's another case where our hearts go out to an accused. Charles Booher, 44, a Silicon Valley computer programmer, threatened to torture and kill employees of a company bombarding his computer with Web ads promising to make his maleness grow until it was huge. Maybe the size of Bill Clinton, even. Or Tom Daschle, at the least. Booher threatened to hunt down and castrate employees unless they removed him from their e-mail list. We accept that Charles Booher behaved badly. He faces up to five years in prison. But maybe the feds should give him a sharp knife and let him go to perform community service.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If those "enlargement" procedures work so well, why is Dennis Kucinich still short?