December 1, 2003 -

BANTERING BUSHISM!

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Dubya fails to commit suicide and we have a genuine Aggie joke.

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Those, and more. Now, the details...

CRAWFORD, Texas -- Historians will note President George W. Bush's surprise trip to Baghdad as a high point in his first term, but the Bush trip was a watershed event in another way. The Bush escapade marked the first time in about 10 years that the President of the United States sneaked away from home and returned -- without having sex while separated from the First Lady. Former President Bill Clinton, contacted at a bordello in Brooklyn, said he admired Bush's elusiveness but opined that Laura Bush was more trusting than Hillary. "If I could have got away from Hillary, I could have brought peace to the Middle East," Clinton whined, adding: "But it kind of depends on how you spell the word."

WASHINGTON -- Sales at Washington-area Victoria's Secret stores are booming. No, it wasn't the R-rated company network TV fashion show. No, it's replacement buying -- since much of the Washington media establishment got its existing panty supply in a huge knot over President Bush's secret Baghdad trip. The Blue Ribbon for Knotted Panties goes to a fool named Tom Rosenstiel, director of the hilariously named Project for Excellence in Journalism. Tommiepoo believes reporters should have alerted Saddam's thugs to tune up their surface-to-air missiles when they first heard Air Force One was heading for Iraq.

COLLEGE STATION, Texas -- Want to get acquainted with a walking, talking, Aggie Joke? Meet Bill Byrne, athletic director of Texas A&M University. Now it's possible that Big Bill might be a little out of sorts over the 77-0 butt- kicking the Aggie football team took from the University of Oklahoma this year. Or maybe it was just the 2-6 record in the Big 12 conference. But that doesn't exactly explain Big Bill's explanation as to what went wrong with the cow-chasers from the Brazos. He says one reason the Aggie athletic program is suffering is the Young Conservatives of Texas A&M, which had the temerity to hold an one of those "affirmative action bake sales." The "affirmative action" bake sale is one way that conservative students poke fun at diversity programs -- such as one proudly announced at A&M. In such a sale, white and Asian males can buy baked goods for, say, $1. White and Asian women might pay 75 cents for the same item and minorities would pay 50 cents.

Big Bill had this to say: "The Texas A&M Bake Sale plays right into the hands of those who recruit against us, in both athletics and in the general student population. They will use something like this to suggest that Texas A&M does not have a welcoming environment." Maybe Big Bill has a point. Or maybe he's just ticked because the Aggies missed recruiting a promising Hispanic lesbian linebacker.

CINCINNATI -- The story of Nathaniel Jones continues to be big on Teevee -- since it has it all. Lots of action and racial conflict as two middle-aged and vastly overmatched white cops try to subdue a 350-pound black man who is tossing them off as if they were a couple of bluebirds. Cincinnati's race hustlers have already branded the Jones death as a "lynching," ignoring many facts. Such as the one that Mr. Jones was high on PCP and cocaine when HE attacked two officers who asked him "What's going on." And that it took six cops to subdue Jones. The TV footage will be with us for a long time. What you will have trouble seeing or hearing is the opening. When the officers approach Jones and we hear him snarl, "White boy. Redneck..." and then attacks the cops.

The sorry scene happened outside a White Castle hamburger joint. At least it wasn't at a bake sale.

HOLLYWOOD -- I don't know how many people paid attention to the saga of the gawdawful CBS sham of a movie "The Reagans." It was a shameful attempt to discredit President Ronald Reagan, who is dying of Alzheimer's and can't defend himself. But the afterwiggles of the disgraced CBS project continue. As when the fool who played Reagan -- Mr. Barbra Streisand -- said his wife has never read the script. Mr. Streisand is known outside Hollywood as James Brolin.

AUSTIN, Texas -- The Austin American-Statesman, the best daily newspaper in the Texas Capitol by virtue of being alone, published a tedious piece which pretended to fret over the fact that Iraq casualties appear to be disproportionately from rural America. Chances are that writers at the ultra- liberal paper are tickled to over the death figures -- since probable conservative NASCAR Bush voters are dying while Algore's city folk tend to live on.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If there is a Bill Byrne Sale at A&M, should everything be half-baked?