December 17, 2003 -

SERENDIPITOUS SADDAMERY!

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What if Saddam can get tried in Texas?

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The details...

TOW, Texas -- Saddam Hussein is in a heap of trouble, so it's only natural that he might turn to Texas for assistance. Hussein has murdered around 300,000 people over his 35-year tenure as a career criminal and there is legal misfortune in that. Some of his murders were captured on videotape. Even worse, his people were the videographers for much of the evidence. So, Saddam needs to bear down on his legal options.

His first move might be to hire Houston lawyer Dickiepoo DeGuerin, the fast- talking lawyer scum who specializes in getting twelve dull-witted Texans to let his clients join us in free society. And there's another Texan interested in helping Saddam. This one is Ramsey Clark, who is Fidel Castro's favorite former United States Attorney General. Now some people remember that Ramsey is a nutcase, but he's a nutcase who once was America's AG. Probably those people never knew, or just forgot, that Lyndon Johnson appointed Clark AG to get Ramsey's old Daddy, Tom, off the Supreme Clark. Tom Clark couldn't serve on the court when his brain-dead son was AG, so he resigned, leaving Lyndon free to appoint Thurgood Marshall to the Supreme Court.

However, it might be a crafty move for Saddam to hire Ramsey Clark as his chief mouthpiece. If Iraq's legal system is akin to its American counterpart, then Hussein can petition for a new trial -- on the basis of inadequate, incompetent counsel. And just hiring Ramsey might give Saddam another avenue of appeal. When he's convicted, he could say, "I must be insane. I hired this fool as my lawyer!"

Hiring DeGuerin would be risky and Saddam could be certain he will walk free only if he can convince George Dubya and the Iraqis to have his trial held in Galveston. Galveston, you ask? Yep. Galveston, where the average high temperature exceeds the aggregate I.Q. of the entire island juror pool. Recall that DeGuerin convinced 12 Galveston fools to find Robert Durst innocent of killing his neighbor, even though Durst, a New York multimillionaire, shot the poor slob, sliced up his body and dumped it into Galveston Bay.

Alerted to the possibility that Saddam might want to be tried by a local jury, Galveston jury consultant Knutte Kase said he was certain he could find 12 jurors on the island equally brain-dead as the bozos who freed Durst. "All Saddam would have to do is promise not to dump those 300,000 bodies into Galveston Bay," Kase said, adding: "Our people are really stupid but some of them are environmentally aware."

O.J. Simpson lawyer Johnnie Cochran indicated he isn't interested in representing Hussein. Cochran said he can't take a client unless he has beheaded a leggy blonde and a Jewish waiter. A Hussein spokesman said Saddam has been responsible for killing quite a few blondes and undoubtedly has offed a number of Jewish waiters, but Cochran is holding firm. "If a raghead don't fit, we're gonna' split," Cochran's PR spokesman said.

It's possible that Saddam's best hope might be to get an American jury chosen from contributors to Howard Dean's web site "Blog for America." One good candidate would be "Leslie" in San Francisco, who wrote: "I think it is shameful that the ACLU has not commented on the obvious mistreatment Hussein has suffered at the hands of the American military."

Or "Johnny Smith" who wrote: "We don't want Americans to die. But if Bush will not bring our boys home--then they're going to have to die so that Howard Dean can win."

In Vatican City, Saddam got a kinda/sorta endorsement from a fool known as Cardinal Renato Martino. Cardinal Martino criticized the U.S. military for showing video footage of Saddam being examined for head lice and getting a dental checkup. Said, Martino, who is head of the Vatican's Justice and Peace department, "I felt pity to see this man destroyed, (the military) looking at his teeth as if he were a cow. They could have spared us these pictures." I'm not a Catholic, but I would suggest the Pope tell Cardinal Martino to go back to molesting little boys and leave the social commentary to adults.

There was good news other than the capture of Saddam. Lt. Col. Allen B. West was spared maltreatment by the Army for being ugly to an Iraqi prisoner who planned to participate in the ambush of West's troops. The 4th Infantry Division in Tikrit gave West a non-judicial punishment of forfeiture of two months pay. That means that West, a hero to most of us outside today's Politically Correct military, will be able to retire with the benefits he has earned in a stellar 20 years of service to his country.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Do you think Saddam might confess if we threaten to get his wife a date with Bill Clinton?