December 23, 2003 -

MEANDERING MARITALNESS!

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Bruce & Lance might want to cancel that order for a wedding cake.

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And more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- Well, surprise, surprise. A poll by New York Times/CBS News indicates that a majority of Americans believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. Now chances are that you are one of those Americans who figure a married people should be gender-separate. (If your name is Lance and your wife is Bruce, please stop reading here...)

Now an opinion survey showing such results is astonishing, when it's in the mighty New Dork Times. A clue as to why that's the case comes from a speech given several years ago by Timesdorque Richard Berke, national political correspondent. Speaking to a gathering of the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association, Berke said: "...literally three-quarters of the people deciding what's on the front page are not-so-closeted homosexuals." So, it's one hell of a shock for Timesdorques to learn that most Americans think marriage should be, say, between people named Bob and Sally. (Praise the Lord and pass the AZT!)

Interestingly, the Times poll finds that the active and oral (oops!) homosex lobby might have pushed its luck. Americans, it seems, were perfectly cool with homosexuality until it became an in-your-face issue. First, there was the 5-4 Supreme Court decision holding that Texas had no right to outlaw homosex. Then there was the decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Court that held, generally speaking, that Mikey Dukakis has the right to marry Teddy Kennedy. (Yeh, that's a disgusting wedding picture, I know...)

President Bush said, he will, if necessary, "...support a constitutional amendment which would honor marriage between a man and a woman, codify that." Now you might remember that Dubya's wife is named Laura, not Lance. Former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean, the Democrat viewed as Bush's most-likely general election opponent, proudly signed a law bringing marriage-like "civil unions" to Vermont.

CHESAPEAKE, Virginia -- Sniper Lee Boyd Malvo had only a partial Robert Durst victory in his murder, terrorism trial. Lee Boyd, you'll recall, is the 18- year-old lad who got a kick out of murdering 10 people in the general Washington area. Malvo's jury was comprised of eight women and four men -- the same gender makeup as the gaggle of idiots who let Durst walk free in Galveston after he shot his neighbor, sliced and diced him, dumped the body into Galveston Bay and fled. Malvo presumably will spend the rest of his sorry life in jail.

The Greater Chesapeake Chamber of Commerce is preparing an advertising campaign aimed at taking advantage of the fact that the Chesapeake jury convicted Malvo and sentenced him to life without parole. "We think it's important for America people to know that Chesapinheads might be really stupid, but we're not nearly as gullible as those rednecks in Galveston. It's not like we just let the murdering little sniper walk free," said Germaine Gullible of the Chamber.

TOW, Texas -- Dang! I thought we were pretty safe from terrorists here in rural Llano County. Well, sure, there are a few druggies, creeps and retards around and rumors continue about a family up a county road where everybody has at least two heads. But we've never thought of ourselves as being in danger from terrorists. But we read that the Arab TV network al Jazeera just aired an audio tape from Osama's second banana, saying Osama's boys are chasing Americans everywhere -- including the United States. Ayman al-Zawahri said, "Americans have become unable to defend themselves." Wanna bet, Ayman?

Just to prove that Llano County hasn't cornered the market on young knuckleheads, consider the cases of Patrick V., 14, and Christopher Conley, 19, of Kennebunk, Maine. These young geniuses broke into a small Kennebunk boatyard to steal a marine radio, so they could monitor police frequencies. But they saw what they figured were surveillance cameras, so they set fire to the building. Several boats and motors were burned, including one boat engine belonging to former President George H.W. Bush, whose summer house is seven miles away. Patrick got 30 months in a federal slammer and Christopher confessed and will do 57 months. It just isn't overwhelmingly bright to burn a boathouse that might be protected by the Secret Service.

In one of the more hilarious memos in the history of stupid memoranda, the fatbottoms who run the British Broadcasting Corporation sternly warned BBC reporters they should not refer to Saddam Hussein as a "former dictator" or "barbarian mass murderer..." or anything close to those. Instead the BBC is to refer to Hussein as "the deposed former president" of Iraq.

America's first-ever case of Mad Cow Disease was diagnosed this week in Washington State. Rosie O'Donnell's spokesthing said Rosie was nowhere near Washington State and is feeling fine.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is Howard Dean mad, or just angry?