January 7, 2004 -

SUMPTUOUS SPIRITPHOTOGRAPHY!

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There could be some pretty pictures

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

TOW, Texas -- Things I would like to see beamed back from the Mars robot explorer named Spirit...

I would enjoy color shots of Spirit running amok over the Marscape with a few people in mad flight in front of it. Nominees, in no particular order, for a one-way trip to Mars would be: Britney Spears, Kobe Bryant, Jacques Chirac, Scott Peterson, Jesse Jackson, Martha Stewart, Paris Hilton, Jimmuh Carter, Robert Blake, Dan Rather, Rosie O'Donnell, Teddy Kennedy, Pete Rose, Michael Moore, Sandra Day O'Connor, O.J. Simpson, Henry Waxman, Katie Couric, Paul Krugman and James Carville.

Carville should be right at home. I'm pretty certain he came from Mars to begin with.

Oh, and it would be nice to see maybe 8 million illegal aliens transported from the U.S. to Mars. (Does Mars have immigration laws?)

I would leap with joy if I could see a couple of ghostly images disappear, hand-in-hand, into the haze of the Red Planet. I have in mind the specters of Princess Diana and Strom Thurmond running from Spirit, turning gracefully and waving good-bye to us. Forever. (Their last story could be in a supermarket tabloid. Headlined: "Di and Strom In Mars Sex Fling.")

My friend, Art, in Arizona isn't certain the Mars pictures are authentic. He says Mars looks a lot like Nevada and Arizona. He has a point. But the pictures look a lot like West Texas, too.

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Steve Irwin is known to American television audiences as the Crocodile Hunter. Irwin has made a great career out of babbling semi-coherently about the beauty of snakes and animals which would dearly love to send him to Crocodile Hunter Heaven. But he's grown-up Aussie idiot and risking his own body is his problem. However, Irwin pulled a Michael Jackson act that nauseated even his fans. Michael dangled his kid over a balcony railing, but Irwin went him one better -- feeding a 13-foot crocodile a dead chicken while holding his one-month-old son in his left hand while Mother Irwin looked on, flashing a 20-IQ smile. Irwin said the child was never in danger. I disagree. Any kid who has idiots for parents is at risk. Maybe Steve could take a day off from chasing black mambas to have a vasectomy.

PHOENIX, Arizona -- Some people who probably spent the past few years on Mars originally came from Florida, natch. Take Peter Joseph Martin from Broward County -- land of the Hanging Chads. Pete Joe got on a Northwest Airlines flight with a box cutter in his carry-on luggage. Pete Joe said he didn't know that box cutters are no-nos on Big Things That Fly. Asked if remembered September 11th, he indicated he was either on Mars that day, drunk or working as an election judge in Florida.

NORFOLK, Virginia -- Evangelist Pat Robertson said God told him President Bush will be re-elected in a landslide. Senator Hillary Clinton says she had no recollection of speaking to Robertson.

BAGHDAD -- Not everyone who works for the mighty New Dork Times is an idiot. One reporter in Iraq with a brain is Timesdorque Dexter Filkins. Dexter carries a pistol for self-defense, precipitating a raging debate in the gun-unfriendly Times. Filkins isn't the only reporter in Iraq packing heat. CNN even hires gun squads to accompany its crews. (CNN preserves its reputation for Politically Correct stupidity by forbidding its reporters from arming themselves.) Having the brains to carry a gun doesn't insulate Filkins from corporate brain death, however. His bureau chief in Baghdad is Susan Sachs and she's spitting mad that Filkins is packing heat. Since 13 reporters have died in hostile action in Iraq, simple Susan hasn't yet told Filkins to disarm.

CLEVELAND -- Another good candidate for a trip to Mars is Elecia Dickson, the poh baby who said she bought a lottery ticket worth $162 million but lost it in the parking lot of a convenience store. Elecia, who also uses the name of Elecia Battle, stuck to her story even after the woman who bought the ticket claimed the prize. Not only that, Elecia is going to court. Her rap sheet might be a tad of a hindrance, since she has convictions for assault and credit-card fraud.

WASHINGTON -- It appears that President Bush might have a case of mad cow disease. How else can we explain his proposal to pay Social Security benefits to millions of illegal aliens? The alien beings who crusade for "alien rights" say the illegals should get their government checks because they paid Social Security on the fraudulent SS accounts they used to get illegal jobs once they got here illegally. I have a better idea. Let's take the money they put into the Social Security system and dedicate it to a special immigration police agency to round them up and send them home.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since Pete Rose agreed to a lifetime ban from baseball, why isn't he dead?