January 20, 2004 -

TEMPESTUOUS TEMPERATUREOGRAPHY!

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Everything is heating up.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Maybe Algore should stick with his fame for inventing the Internet. The politician God apparently loves to fool with has managed to continue making a fool of himself. It sometimes seems that Divine intervention is setting up pratfalls for Algore. A for-instance is an event that will live forever in any compilation of Algore's Greatest Snits. That came when the former Clinton apologist/VP went to New York City on winter's coldest day in about half a century. Al pronounced the murderous cold wave in the eastern states was caused by (guess what?) global warming.

Algore was fresh from putting the Kiss Of Death on Howard Dean by endorsing him for the Democratic nomination to oppose George Dubya. Dean has racked up the endorsements of has-beens and never-wases. He is the pick of cigarette lobbyist Ann Richards, for instance. In case you've forgotten Governor Iron Hair, she was a one-term Democratic chief executive of the Great State of Texas.

She endorsed Dean on the CNN talk show known as Larry King (Almost) (A)Live, prompting Dean to call to thank her. Dean indicated Ann's endorsement was meaningful, since she knows how to run against George Bush. (Somebody needs to tell Horrid that Ann lost her re-election race *TO* George Bush. Of course, it's possible that Ann would have won -- had it not been for global warming.)

Dean also received the endorsement of former Illinois Sen. Carol Measley- Brain, who pulled out of the presidential race when her campaign globally failed to warm anybody. That left the Rev. Al Sharleton as the lone contender for hearts and minds of the duller segment of the African-American bloc.

Dean even had an audience with the Ranking Idiot of Democrat politics -- former President Jimmuh Carter. Dean went to a Baptist church in Plains with Jimmuh, wasting a day of campaigning in Iowa while he listened to Jimmuh's maundering. Jimmuh said Dean had the correct stance on the Iraq war. Jimmuh didn't mention to his fellow Baptists whether he likes Horrid's lusty support for homosexual marriage. Carter, interestingly, is a walking argument against Algore's pet theory about global warming. If everything has been heating up for decades, why has Jimmuh's brain remained frozen?

Dean's Weenies in Iowa were bolstered by some heavyweight knotheads. Campaigning for the pint-sized Vermonter were the often-arrested Martin Sheen, who plays a president on television, and Meathead, also known as Rob Reiner. Sheen's support is almost as good as Algore's. His most recent pet candidate was Janet (Stonewall) Reno, who got globally whaled by Jeb Bush in the Florida governor's race.

Dean's frothing-at-the-mouth concession/victory speech after his surprise loss in Iowa upset many in the nation's chattering class, who opined that Horrid looked more like a WWF wrestler on PCP than a candidate for president. Dean left Iowa early so he could get a rabies booster shot before campaigning in New Hampshire.

Algore is known to believe that Dean's problems in the Iowa caucuses were caused by global warming. It was cold, you know...

My personal favorite Deanie Weenieism from Iowa came in his thoughts on gaydom. Said Horrid: "From a religious point of view, if God had thought homosexuality is a sin, he would not have created gay people." Sure. And God must be in favor of murder, too. If not, why would He have created O.J. Simpson?

In other globally warmed news...

SALEN, Sweden -- Finnish General Gustav Hagglund, chairman of the European Union's military committee, has a revolutionary idea. Hagglund says it's time that European nations become responsible for defending themselves. The Frogs immediately began working to implement Hagglund's idea. Frog military planners said a French Rapid Surrender Force should be ready to wave white flags to the United Nations, Haiti or Sri Lanka sometime early in 2008.

PORTLAND, Oregon -- The warming obviously is terrible in Oregon, where Chief of Police Derrick Foxworth's brain seems to have been fried. Even worse, Derrick's nose has turned blue. He agreed with police review groups reviewing 63 complaints of "assault with profanity" by Portland cops. Derrick proclaimed that officers can which use obscenities in "very limited" and "exceptional" circumstances, such as when it would permit them to avoid the use of force. Then the Boys and Girls in Blue have to write a report explaining why they did so. In 2002, Portland also had 20 murders, 354 rapes, 1,294 robberies and 2,844 cases of aggravated assault. That's in addition to the &^%$%&^ 63 cases of obscene speech.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Horrid Dean becomes President, can we be certain he will take his ritalin every morning, like a good little boy?