February 3, 2004 -

BOUNTIFUL BOOBOGRAPHY!

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So many boobs, so little time...

HOUSTON -- Organizers of the Super Bowl must be Republicans. The nation went nuts when one misshapen boob was exposed during the Super Bowl halftime show. Thus the epic battle of the Democratic dwarves was drowned out by discussion of the disgusting MTV-produced halftime show. Meanwhile, six and a half boobs continue running for the Democratic nomination for president. (The partial boob is Joe Lieberman).

HUNTSVILLE, Texas -- Loser Billy Frank Vickers wanted to bring glamor to the end of his life, so he confessed. A lot. Billy Frank was still confessing when he got the Cleansing Needle in the Texas death chamber for the March 12, 1993 murder of Phillip Kinslow. Vickers and a couple of his pals knew Kinslow took the proceeds from Kinslow's grocery store with him when he went home.

Vickers, 58, had always professed his complete innocence, but confessed like a born-again whore at the Vatican when asked for his last words. He said he had been a hired killer ("just making a living"). He confessed to a dozen or 14 killings, including the celebrated case of fatcat T. Cullen Davis, who managed to convince jurors that he didn't kill several people -- despite eyewitness testimony of three people at the murder scene. People involved in the Davis case never heard of Billy Frank, who seemed to be confessing to murdering Cullen's wife, Priscilla, who managed to survive. And Billy Frank's confession is trumped by Cullen's post-trial settlement of a civil lawsuit. Davis admitted he was the shooter by paying a large financial settlement to some of his surviving victims. Cullen even showed up at the church of one of his victim's relatives to apologize for the killing.

It's possible the gurus at the Texas Prison System began administering death before Billy Frank confessed to killing Lee Harvey Oswald, Jimmy Hoffa and Howard Dean.

Too bad nobody asked Billy Frank Vickers about Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar. He might have confessed to punching their tickets and we could take several thousand American troops out of Afghanistan.

A spokesman for the U.S. military said Osama will be run to ground this year. The AP story reporting the spokesman's comment had this brainless statement in the lead: "...but he declined to comment on where the al Qaeda leader may be hiding." The AP dork also said bin Laden is the "chief suspect" in the 9/11 attacks. (Note to AP dorks: Once you confess, you're no longer a SUSPECT).

In San Francisco we got yet another reason for the Senate to break the disgraceful Democratic stalling of President Bush's nominees for federal courts. One of Bush's appointees -- stalled by Democrat filibusters -- is California Supreme Court Justice Janice Rogers Brown, a black woman so sensible that she wrote the majority opinion in a California ruling upholding the death sentence of a truly mean bastard. Justice Brown's opinion said the death penalty for Joseph Martin Danks was okay, even if two jurors in Danks's trial asked their preachers if it was okay to sentence somebody to death. In 1990 Danks murdered a fellow prison inmate. At the time, he was serving "156 years to life" for killing six transients in Los Angeles, where he was known as the "Koreatown Slasher."

Massachusetts semi-socialist John Kerry has emerged as the most unusual suspect in the Democratic presidential race. Kerry has an interesting background on death-penalty affairs. He was Michael Dukakis's lieutenant governor and supported little Mikey's "furloughs for felons" program -- the one that absolutely put the Dukakis candidacy into a death spiral. Kerry has voted against death penalties for terrorists, but says he now supports killing people who want to indiscriminately kill us. And Kerry is a key man in the Democrat blocking of Justice Brown. (It's rumored that Billy Frank Vickers wanted to vote absentee for Kerry before he died.)

WASHINGTON -- Democratic presidential candidate Horrid Dean lives in his own world. Horrid appeared on NBC's Meet The Press to try to change his new image as a screaming nutball. Fair enough, because even many of us who think Dean would be a disaster as president view the kerfuffles over Dean's Iowa "scream" as overdone. However, Dean reclaimed his right to be called a nutcase when he described Jimmuh Carter as "one of the most revered people in America."

The news brought another reason to perform summary executions on terrorists. Somebody send an envelope containing the poison ricin to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's office, causing staffers in three SOBs (that's Senate Office Buildings) to get a paid holiday. Giving Senate staffers an unexpected vacation day is no reason to kill terrorists on the spot. But the ricin scare didn't stop the Senate from passing laws and spending money. So, let's sentence terrorists who stop the Senate from working to life without parole. Terrorists who don't stop the Senate get immediate injections of ricin.

MINA, Saudi Arabia -- One way to quell the Muslim menace might be ceremonial. We could sponsor a "hajj" ceremony every day. The thought arises because around 250 Muslim worshipers died in Saudi Arabia during the annual "stoning of Satan" ritual, trampled by their fellows in the faith. The minister of the Hajj said the deaths were God's will.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If exposing a boob on CBS TV is a big deal, why didn't Dan Rather appear nude in the Super Bowl halftime show?