February 17, 2004 -

JOCULAR JACKASSERY!

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Are they cloning Democrats in Idaho? And there’s some stuff and things going on.

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Now, the details...

MOSCOW, Idaho – Out of Idaho comes dire news. Scientists at Northwest Equine Reproduction Laboratory at the University of Idaho in Moscow, Idaho announced the cloning of three jackasses. They look a lot like Teddy Kennedy, John Kerry and Hillary Rodham Whatserface. The Kennedy jackass clone is said to be one whale of a swimmer, the Kerry jackass can’t decide where he is and the Hillary jackass brays interminably and for no good reason.

But the most intriguing political story of the week came from Kenya. That’s in Africa, where former intern or extern or something-or-other Alexandra Polier took the role of Bill Clinton, announcing that she never had sexual relations with that candidate, Senator John Kerry. Senator Kerry had previously announced to former drug addict Don Imus that he never had sexual relations, or any untoward relations at all, with pretty much anyone. Alex Polier’s statement is given more weight than Kerry’s, since she didn’t vote in favor of having sexual relations, then deny having wanted them.

However, Kerry soldiered on. Boy, did he ever soldier on. The war hero turned war protestor has now turned into a combination of Audie Murphy, John Wayne and Jane Fonda. One of Kerry’s staunchest supporters – and President Bush’s most dedicated detractors – is former Sen. Max Cleland of Georgia, another Democrat alleged war hero from Vietnam. One hell of a hero, Max. Indeed he lost three limbs in Vietnam. Kerry and other Democrats say Max lost them in battle in Vietnam, but that’s BS. Cleland was working on a radio transmitter when somebody – maybe even Our Hero – threw a grenade at his feet and cost him two legs and one arm. It’s without doubt that Kerry is more of a war hero than Cleland. Losing three limbs is tragic, horrible, deplorable – but something less than heroic.

Cleland has other disabilities. He was voted out of the Senate because Georgians didn’t believe that union benefits were more important in Homeland Security than, say, frisking terrorists. Max’s judgement problems can be understood. He was, after all, the protege of America’s premier fool, Jimmuh Carter.

Max somehow reminds me of Captain Yossarian, main character in the classic "Catch 22" war novel. Yossarian got his purple heart when he caught a "burst of clap" from a low-flying WAC.

Sorry, but fact is that George W. Bush in 2004 is T*H*E war hero. John Kerry was a Vietnam war hero of sorts, but became a war protester and deserves to be remembered as that, too. If war protester John Kerry had been President in September 2001, we would be sending whining letters to the Taliban in Afghanistan and asking Saddam Hussein in Iraq what we could do to make him understand that we’re really nice people: nice people who won’t lift a finger – much less a missile – unless the Frogs and Germans say it’s okay. For those who wonder if U.S. journalists might look away at a Kerry sex problem, there are the words of Glenn Frankel, a Pulitzer Prize winner and former editor of the Washington Post Sunday magazine. Glenn said, "All we have at the moment is that the woman's parents, who are Republicans, don't like Senator Kerry." He added: "In any case, nobody would be too shocked if Kerry lied about an affair. Even if someone came to us with photographs we still wouldn't run it."

No contest on that last part. I don’t want to see pictures of Sen. Kerry and Alex so I’m happy that the rumor of an affair with a chunky young bimbo appears to be just a rumor. Very different lady involved here, though. The Kerry non-erupting bimbo is a footless young woman who lists her "occupation" as "journalist/socialite." I have met some strange ducks in my life, but don’t recall encountering one of those before.

Which isn’t to say that Kerry’s moneybags wife isn’t a tad different. Teresa was born Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira in Mozambique. So now she presumably is Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry. Teresa brings another plus to Kerry’s campaign. Since she was born in Mozambique, she can truthfully state that she is an African-American.

Meanwhile, back in Massachusetts, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court undoubtedly loves John Kerry. He is, after all, their kind of guy. He was Mike Dukakis’s lieutenant governor and is more liberal than Ted Kennedy. But the Massachusetts court might irritate the rest of us by ruling that gay marriage is, in effect, a constitutional right. But Kerry might find that appealing. He ditched a $300 million heiress and then married the lovely ketchup heiress, who was better by about $200 million. There is always a chance that John Kerry might find a homosexual billionaire in Massachusetts, ditch Teresa and marry the gay guy.

DALLAS – There was a disconcerting report about the death penalty. It seems that Texas is less likely than some other states to sentence convicted murders to death. But there was good news in the report, from the Cornell Law School Death Penalty Project. Texas is more likely to carry a societally cleansing decision once a jury renders it. The study said Texas actually trails the national average in the percentage of people who assume room temperature after they are sentenced to die for crimes. Disgustingly, Nevada and Oklahoma best Texas in that regard. We must do better.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If John Kerry finds a new billionaire wife in Massachusetts, will the new guy let John keep his last name?