February 24, 2004 -

FRACTIOUS FOREMANOGRAPHY!

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George needs to meet Dennis The Kay in the Squared Circle.

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And more. Now, the details...

HOUSTON – Cooking pitchman George Foreman has lost his 55-year-old mind. George was a mean Houston street punk who became heavyweight boxing champion, then grew into a gentleman preacher, incidental celebrity, genuine character and nice guy. But now he says he wants to make a comeback in the ring. George, of course, first needs to lose a bunch of weight – maybe the equivalent of my 95-pound dog, Dork. Happily, George hasn’t selected an opponent for his comeback. As a Foreman fan, I’d suggest Woody Allen, Dennis Kucinich, Barbara Walters or Ralph Nader.

Or maybe Algore would like to go into boxing, since his I.Q. already is low enough that he could take a lot of George’s head shots and no one would notice. Even former New York City Mayor Ed Koch, a Democrat’s Democrat, was disgusted by Algore’s speech in which he thundered that President George W. Bush has "betrayed"the country. Koch said, "I was disgusted with Al Gore. I supported Al Gore in the last election. I would never vote for him for anything, including dog catcher." Agreed, but watching Algore catch George’s thunderous right might be a kick. Algore’s best defense would be the rope-a-dope – the one Ali used so well against Foreman. Algore ain’t much on the rope, but he’s a certified dope.

ITHACA, New York – The Texas image is taking a beating in a meticulously performed study by two professors at the Ivy Plague’s Cornell University. Brace yourselves. I know you’re expecting that a Cornell study would find that Texas is populated by bloodthirsty troglodytes who like to execute a couple of minority babies before breakfast. However, the study shows that the people Texas sends to death row for execution are similar to those in Oregon.

The news gets worse. Now we all know that Texas, California and Florida have the greatest number of people on death row. However, we (and Terminatorville and the Land of Hanging Chads) are not more likely to sentence convicted murders to death than Oklahoma and Nevada. Texas must do better. California and Florida can fend for themselves.

NEW YORK – A Harris Interactive Poll says two-thirds of Americans support the idea of televising executions. Despite the high approval rating for eyeballing such cleansing, 54 percent said they wouldn’t watch a societal snuff. My private polling indicates 36 percent would rather listen to John Kerry’s Vietnam stories while 10 percent would prefer to watch honeymoon videos starring Barney Frank and Anna Nicole Smith.

SAN FRANCISCO – In contravention of state law, San Francisco kept Koupling Kinks in unholy homomony. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was moved to pronounce that even San Francisco should obey the law. Arnold’s argument fell on deaf ears in San Francisco and a district judge backed off from enforcing the law. Meanwhile, San Francisco hotels, bed and breakfast operations and hot tubs were humming with the influx of kinks wanting to be married – even if for only a little while. The virus spread to a dim-witted public official in New Mexico’s Sandoval County, who issued marriage licenses to about two dozen gay couples. The New Mexico honeymoon hot tubs hadn’t even warmed up before the state attorney general issued an opinion saying that men are men and women are women and men should marry women, and vice versa.

(I’m against homosexual marriage, but I have written the beginning for a homosex marital ceremony. It goes: "Queerly Beloved, We are Gathered Here Today..." Always happy to help.)

BOSTON – Democrat presidential candidate John Kerry stressed that he opposes gay marriage, even among heroes, like himself, who fought in Vietnam. Kerry believes homosexual marriage is a plot to disgrace Democrats and is fomented by former Air Force National Guard pilots who secretly lust to desert under fire and marry either Jane Fonda or Ho Chi Minh.

WASHINGTON – In a development that might have surprised two dead people, it came to pass that the river of illegal aliens crossing into the United States became a mighty flood immediately after President Bush proposed a guest-worker program that amounts to amnesty for millions of illegals already in the country. Proponents of gay marriage said many of the illegals are Mexican homosexual gardeners trying to make it to San Francisco so they might get married.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Should I tell my acquaintance that she’s wasting her money on the San Francisco trip, since it’s not likely that she’ll get to marry her cat?