March 2, 2004 -

BOMBASTIC BOMBOGRAPHY!

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Uncle Sugar did it.

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Now, the details...

BAGHDAD – Al Qaeda suicide bombers made coordinated attacks in Iraq, killing more than 170 people. The head of the Muslim religious majority known as Shiite, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, blamed Americans for the attacks. Al-Sistani said Americans didn't properly control the borders and didn't train Iraqi cops properly. Now we know why Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani is called a Shiite Head.

BOSTON – Let's see. Far removed from the political campaigns, we are now accustomed to Massachusetts Democratic Sen. John Kerry taking two sides of everything, unless it has four sides, in which case Slippery John goes for a quad. A scientifically accurate survey by the National Journal showed Kerry is the Maximum Leader when it comes to casting left-wing votes in the U.S. Senate. Compared with Kerry, Ted (The Swimmer) Kennedy looks like a mush-headed moderate.

So, we have to kick back and think when we know that John Forbes Kerry told the Urban Radio Network that President Clinton was deemed to be the "first black President" and "...I wouldn't be upset if I could earn the right to be the second." (Contacted at a massage parlor, Ms. Monica Lewinsky said, "Bring it On!") However, Kerry-watchers believe the Kerry statement means John is angling for the Ku Klux Klan vote, in addition to the black bloc.

You might have read that John Kerry served in Vietnam; some say he did so with heroism. Of course, no one says that more than John Kerry himself, so we are free to suspect he also served with trepidation and cowardice, since he takes two sides of everything. But John's two-sidery came to the fore back in the Vietnam era when he said he was a hero who protested the war, and said the Americans who served in ‘Nam were a bunch of murderers and rapists who had more in common with Genghis Khan than Thomas Paine.

The brilliant columnist Thomas Sowell had a mention of heroes in a recent column. Dr. Sowell points out that Benedict Arnold was a war hero, wounded in battle. Hitler also was wounded and decorated in battle in World War I.

TOW, Texas – I have an idea that can benefit me from the medical expenses of Dork, the Cottonwood Cove wonder dog. Carole and I recently shelled out $2,300 for a stainless-steel knee replacement surgery for Dork The operation was performed by a veterinarian who might be the only non-Aggie vet in Texas. But I mean to speak of taxes and savings, not the wonderment of discovering a veterinarian who didn't graduate from Texas A&M. So, it occurs that I should load Dork into my pickup truck, drive to San Francisco and Dork and I could marry in a same-sex ceremony. Couldn't I then claim him as a dependant with the IRS? And would I have to divorce Carole?

The word "divorce" makes this a good time to think about Mexico. President Bush's allegedly good pal, Vicente Fox, jumped to the Frog side early on when Dubya was putting together his coalition in the War on Terror. (We all have had friends like that.) But Mexico has been a pain in the butt for decades and Fox was supposed to be an improvement over his corrupt predecessors. I don't see it.

After going the wrong way on the Middle East, Mexico jumped to ban U.S. beef after ONE case of alleged Mad Cow Disease discovered in a cow that came from Canada. Now Mexico is banning importation of American chickens because a few Texas chickens have tested to have a "bird-flu" variety that doesn't harm humans.

So, Mexico refuses to import our terrorism policy, shuns importing our cattle and even disses our chickens. So, maybe it's time we exported about 10 million illegal Mexicans and decline to import any new Mexicans. It's difficult to keep from importing illegal Mexicans, but we should give it a few shots. Literally, if that's what it takes.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti - Who says Haiti isn't a lot like the United States? Consider what happened when President Jean-Bertrand Aristide resigned and fled into exile. The head of Haiti's Supreme Court announced he was taking charge. Just like what is happening here, but done more quickly.

Modern military history was made when France and the U.S. sent troops in an effort to stabilize Haiti. The U.S. sent 200 Marines and there were 50 Frogs. The French troops raced through the city, but could not find any Haitians willing to accept their surrender. Frogs are panicked, since Haiti is an island and retreat is difficult.

NEW PALTZ, New York – Jason West is a cutie, even for a Green Party mayor. Enthralled by the publicity San Francisco got by joining Kinked Kouples in same-sex homomony, the 26-year-old Jason thought it would be a kick to conduct gay marriages – despite New York law barring them. Jason was charged with "solemnizing" some two dozen weddings without a marriage license. We expect Jason's defense is that he doesn't know the difference between "solemnizing" and "sodomizing."

SAN FRANCISCO – Proving that there's no fool like an old fool, Walter Cronkite heaped scorn on those who might find something wrong with homosexual marriage. Cronkite admitted, however, that his long marriage to the long-suffering "Betsy" probably lasted because they were of different sexes, but added: "That doesn't mean I wouldn't have been happy to be married to several friends I had of the same sex.." (Pardon me while I lose my lunch.)

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Could it be that Walter would like to ask Dan Rather out for dinner and dancing?