March 9, 2004 -

PERIPATETIC PANDERING!

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Maybe John needs to fade from black.

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That, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON – This an "Oops!" John Kerry might want to go back to being a War Hero. Paula Diane Harris, founder of a civil rights and legal advocacy group, says Slippery John should apologize for saying he would like to be the nation's "second black president." In case you have forgotten (Bill WAS forgettable), Mr. Hillary Clinton was the first. Anyway, Ms. Harris says, "John Kerry is not a black man — he is a privileged white man who has no idea what it is in this country to be a poor white in this country, let alone a black man." Having been a poor white, I have to say "Bravo" to Ms. Harris.

Maybe Kerry should fall back on his African-American wife to pander to minority voters. The lovely half-billionaire Mrs. Kerry was born as Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira in Mozambique. Since Gigolo John is running for president, she now is Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry. Born in Mozambique, Teresa can pass a polygraph on being an African-American. But that doesn't make her skin darker than Gigolo John's. Maybe Boston-bred Kerry should concentrate on selling himself as the First Phony Black Brahmin Snob.

And we have the Poh Baby Martha file. Martha Stewart saved $51,000 in losses by selling her ImClone Systems stock with illegal knowledge. Her convictions cost her about a couple of hundred million in the value of her company's stock. She also has a shot at more than $1 million in penalties associated with the convictions, and then there could be fines from the SEC. Martha might be in the slammer for a year or a bunch more than that. Smartest woman in the world, huh? All she had to do was tell the truth, but Martha wasn't about to humble herself before those federal peasants.

But, we all know that Martha can adapt. Maybe Kmart will begin carrying designer handcuffs, or "Martha's Manacles." All of us who might run afoul of the law could benefit from Martha's thoughts on "Transforming Your Cell Block." And can you imagine the taste of a Martha cake recipe of French chocolate and a tastefully inserted hacksaw blade? Stainless steel, of course.

AUSTIN – The Democrats who report the news are filing for workman's compensation. They all have repetitive stress syndrome from patting themselves on the back for NOT reporting that Texas Governor Rick Perry (1) is gay and (2) is having an affair and (3) is divorcing his wife. Texas Democratic moguls have been peddling Perry rumors for months – all of them so untrue that even Yellow Dawg Democrats finally said "Enough, Awreddy!" The Democrat rumor mill stopped barely short of starting a story that Perry likes to perform disgusting sexual acts with small animals.

GENEVA – We have good news from Switzerland. Swiss Re, the world's second-largest reinsurer, says global warming will get out of control and force the human race into a catastrophe. Swiss Re says the global warming "catastrophe" will double economic costs for disasters to $150 billion a year in 10 years. Now you might ask, "Paul, where's the good news in that?" Well, global warming would raise sea levels dramatically and we in Tow, Texas will get rich as a seaside getaway place.

However, don't start building your ark. It wasn't that many years ago that fools, such as the ones who wrote the scare report for Swiss Re, were warning us that the big problem facing the planet was "global cooling." Think back on all the doomsday predictions you have heard over your life. Now list the ones that came true. Short list, isn't it. I have to admit there's one exception to my rule that the predictions of disaster are always wrong. There were some people who predicted that Jimmuh Carter would be elected President.

There was good news from the world of broadcasting. NBC news reader Tom Brokaw announced he has no intention of running for political office as John Kerry's Democratic party vice presidential nominee. I believe a pal of the broadcaster who says Tom Brokenjaw won't run for office. Tom's pal adds that there is "no reason to assume" Brokenjaw is a Democrat. I'm afraid I don't believe THAT.

My friend, Denny Kinsella in Florida, relays an interesting comment he heard on a radio station in the Land of Hanging Chads. The discussion involved the new Iraqi constitution and a caller said we should donate our Constitution to Iraq, since we never use it.

You might want to say a few prayers for California's Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. A proposed amendment to the California constitution will give you an idea what Arnold is up against. A halfwit state Senator named John Vasconcellos got four of his mentally challenged Democrat colleagues to join him in proposing that California give 16-year-olds a half-vote and 14-year-olds a quarter of a vote in state elections. Let's follow the trend. Why not give 12-year-olds one-eighth of a vote and 10-year-olds one-sixteenth. I guess we could get down to "One Daycare Center, One Vote." But maybe not. Daycare centers probably would vote for Vasconcellos.

I must admit that my perspective is skewed by trips to Austin. In my darker moments, I have been known to believe that people in the People's Republic of Central Texas should be denied the vote until they're 40, or have a real job, whichever comes first.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If John Kerry can't take Tom Brokenjaw off our hands, might he at least rid of us Dan Blather?