March 16, 2004 -

FRENETIC FROGOPHILIA!

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John is playing catchup. (Or maybe it's ketchup.)

TOW, Texas – Maybe John Kerry is onto something. Or maybe just on something. Kerry says many "world leaders" back his candidacy in the hopes that someone, anyone, even a Boston gigolo, can defeat George W. Bush and restore an atmosphere of Frenchitude to the American presidency. Kerry said he has "met" with leaders, but then said he didn't say he met with them, but that the Anybody-But-Bush boomlet is real. Could be. The anointed Democratic presidential candidate is married to Teresa, who became a ketchup widow when she was Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz. Now she has made Gigolo John "Mr. Junior Senator from Massachusetts Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry." Teresa has a net worth of $500 million. I mention all this because the argument can be made that anybody with half a billion is a "world leader."

And there's the Hungarian-born George Soros, who says he will spend every billion he has scrabbled together through currency speculation (sometimes bankrupting entire small nations) to defeat the evil Bush. I'd have to say Soros is a man of great stature. Only, of course, if the old left-wing fool stands on his pocketbook.

Or Gigolo John might have had a face-to-face with Madonna, who is something of an icon among the bimbo/airhead set of World Leaders. A more likely World Leader would be Jean-Bertrand Aristide, the deposed Marxist president of Haiti. Or Aristide's fellow left-wing despot, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.

Or maybe Gigolo John got a call from Osama bin Laden. Osama qualifies as a leader. Even more than New York Preacher/Con Man/Race Hustler/Flimflam Artist Al Sharpton. Sharpton "endorsed" Kerry for president, even while maintaining his own zeroed Presidential campaign. (Now THAT is an argument against public funding of campaigns, but that's a discussion for another time...) Suffice it to say that Sharpton's endorsement probably will do as much for Gigolo John as mine might.

Of course, it's possible Kerry had a nightmare and dreamed he was endorsed by Jimmuh Carter.

The Ultimate Nightmare for Gigolo John, though, could come from another World Leader. A leader in Environmental Nutballery. A Priceless Prince of Processed Prevarication. A Lugubrious Lion of Ludicrous. I speak, of course, of Algore, the man who would have been President of These Here United States had not the voters in his home state of Tennessee known him to be an idiot..

Yep, the Ultimate Nightmare for Gigolo John would be an endorsement from Algore. You'll recall that Howard Dean was flying high toward the Democrat presidential nomination when he got a ringing endorsement from Algore, just before the Iowa caucuses. Now Dean's name evokes the phrase, "Howard Who?"

And there's also the French Connection. Kerry is the candidate of our beloved friends, the Frogs, and another priceless Algore moment came when Al planted a lingering Frog kiss on Tipper when he got the Democratic nomination for his march toward well-deserved obscurity. Chances are that Gigolo John would rather French Kiss Barney Frank than have Algore endorse him.

AUSTIN – I might have had a small part in this fall from competence. While at the University of Texas in the early 1960s I was in a wrestling class and one of my favorite three-day-a-week things was to humiliate Dave McNeely, a biker type who tried to look tough but wasn't. I dumped McNeely on his head numerous times, which might explain why he has become an acclaimed political analyst for the Austin American-Statesman. So I was not at all surprised to read that McNeely has been clearing "investigative" stories with Ronnie Earle, the Democrat who allegedly crusades for truth, justice and the Left-Wing Way as Travis County District Attorney. Real journalists don't send their stories to sources for "approval," but McNeely does, because he and Earle are on the same side. They minimize Democrat felonies and gleefully want the death penalty for Republican misdemeanors.

It turns out that Old Dave has been "clearing" his "investigative" stories on the state GOP with Earle. I have little doubt he has been doing similar things for the left for around 40 years, but he finally got caught. I confess I don't regret dumping McNeely on his head in wrestling class. The mat was thick – about like McNeely's head.

An e-mail floated in about the peacekeeping mission in Haiti. It involves a Marine officer who was asked what he knew about the Haitian gunman who was taking part in shooting into a crowd on Saturday. The officer said, "I only know two things about him; he shot at my Marines...and he is dead." I'm a sucker for a short story with a happy ending.

If you wonder what might be wrong, or at least terminally strange, in our country, consider this paragraph from a story in the mighty New Dork Times, in which the Dork quotes various fools speaking of Social Security. The Dork quoteth: " ` It seems like a waste of time and energy when we should be thinking more about figuring out how we're going to have Social Security,' said Ronald Sharp, 44, a Republican and retired mental health care aide from Detroit." Now this allegedly Republican clown is 44 and RETIRED? Is it too late for me to move to Detroit?

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If a Democrat reporter has a life-threatening head injury, should we rush him/her to the emergency room, or to the nearest proctologist?