March 24, 2004 -

GOOBER GOOFYOGRAPHY!

---

Jimmuh is back. As are other idiots (but he's still the king).

---

Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

PEANUTBRAIN, Georgia – Every American's Favorite Fool, former President Jimmuh Carter, gave welcome support to President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Now Jimmuh, being a useless idiot, didn't intend to help Bush/Blair when he said the Iraq war was "unnecessary." However, a non-endorsement from one of history's greater lunkheads can't hurt. In case you've forgotten Carter, he's the Georgia fool who got the Comedy Central Version of the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize.

You might have tried to forget Carter's presidency, which lasted about four years too long. You might recall he sought the wisdom of his teen-aged airhead daughter, Amy, on significant events. And who can forget that the Iranians had Carter's number even before Americans did. The Iranian nutballs knew he was such a fool that they kept American hostages for 444 days – releasing them the day Carter left office for what should have been richly earned obscurity. The Iranians were and are madmen, but they weren't so crazy that they mistook Ronald Reagan for another Jimmuh Carter.

In his latest public statement, Jimmuh told a left-wing British newspaper that Bush and Blair had to know they were dealing with "imperfect intelligence" when they decided to send Saddam to his spider hole. This is an area in which Jimmuh is somewhat practiced. He's a man of almost no practical intelligence, giving him the right to be wrong about imperfections in it.

Strangeness aside, Jimmuh is a sanctified fool in liberal circles. Let's forgive his miles-long lines at the gas pumps. Let's forgive interest rates above 20 percent. Let's forgive that Jimmuh was such an idiot on military affairs that he managed to turn an intra-service hostage rescue attempt into an international humiliation. Let's even forgive that Jimmuh is the Designated Fool who helped North Korea con the Clinton administration into giving it nuclear weapons. Let's even forgive the fact that every tinpot dictator knew Jimmuh was THE punch line for Jay Leno. Let's ignore the fact that Jimmuh's fellow Nobel Peace Prize winner is Yasser Arafat. Arafat deserves respect, but only if you compare him with Jimmuh. There's no doubt that Arafat is a baby-killer and a terrorist. He is good at it.. But Jimmuh is only a fool. Despite years of practice, Jimmuh still looks foolish while being a fool. That's pitiful – even among dolts.

So, let's forgive Carter for being an idiot. But let's not forget that he was demented when he took office and has further degraded since Ronald Reagan relieved us of the burden of having a fool in the Oval Office.

Another old fool completely decloseted himself this week. Not as a gay, but as a lifelong dedicated and braindead liberal. That would be former CBS News Reader Walter Cronkite, once viewed by a gullible public as the most trusted man in America for his deep voice, avuncular manner and presence on CBS television. The old fool wrote that Sen. John Kerry simply must own up to the fact that he is another Massachusetts liberal – just like Michael Dukakis, the Massachusetts dork George Bush The More Wobbly sent to the political showers. Uncle Wally wrote: "So, senator, some detailed explanations are in order if you hope to have any chance of defeating even a wounded George II in November. You cannot let the Bush league define you or the issues. You have to do that yourself. Take my advice and lay it all out, before it's too late."

I'm with Uncle Wally on this one. I hope Kerry confesses to the world that he is equally as idiotic a leftwinger as Cronkite and Dukakis. Dukakis carried 10 states against George Herbert Walker Bush and the country is now much more conservative than it was in 1988. So, Senator Kerry, I hope you go for Cronkite's confessional. You might carry Massachusetts. Maybe even California. But you'll have a LOCK on the vote in Martha's Vineyard, where "environmentalist" Cronkite opposes wind-powered electrical generation because he might be able to see them from his mansion. (Good grief! Windmills within view of the seascape? How much should a millionaire windbag have to endure?)

Cronkite is a neighbor of Gigolo John and his wife, the half-billion-dollar widow, Teresa Heinz Kerry. Mrs. & Mr. Kerry own five homes and vacation getaways valued at nearly $33 million. I would say that explains why John the Campaigner tells us he's for the "little guy." With five houses, he has to have little guys, and girls, to mow the lawn, clean the windows, take out the garbage, walk the dogs, do the laundry...

Of course, Teresa had a legal-educated "little guy" write a strict pre-nuptial agreement before she married Gigolo John, so it's possible that John will join the rest of us "little guys" if he doesn't please Saint Teresa and become President.

One Kerry misstep came when he ran into a Secret Service agent while snowboarding at Teresa's vacation place in Sun Valley. It's not bright to call a man a "sonofabitch" when his job is to take a bullet to save your life. The agent might decide he's a "little guy," and duck.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Don't you remember lots of Walter Cronkite's "reporting" from the years? Shouldn't that bother you?