March 31, 2004 -

SUFFERIN' SHEISKOPFERY!

---

Jimmuh (and Gigolo John) have a defender. The details are funny, in a pathetic way.

TOW, Texas – Now and then some serious dork makes column-writing easy. So, my appreciation goes out to Mr. J of Llano, who appears to be America's second most dedicated Democrat (maybe behind Monica Lewinsky). I decided not to use Mr. J's full name, out of sympathy for the congenitally misguided. Mr. J threatened to sue the Llano Star because my column of last week quoted (QUOTED!) Presidential candidate John Kerry as referring to one of his Secret Service agents as a "sonofabitch." Mr. J's wife allegedly had a conniption fit when reading "sonofabitch" (at the very end of the column). Mr. J had to retrieve the Star out of the Mr. and Mrs. J trash can. A loyal Democrat digger for truth, justice and the American Way, Mr. J retrieved the column and managed to read it without his lips becoming overly fatigued.

At which point, Mr. J decided he would sue the Llano Star for publishing offensive and obscene material, to wit, quoting Sen. Kerry as referring to his Secret Service agent as a "sonofabitch." It apparently has not dawned on Mr. J that he might well sue Sen. Kerry, but Democrats seldom sue Democrats. It just isn't cool in Democrat circles to sue share-somebody-else's-wealth gigolos who are married to women worth a half billion bucks, maybe.

I hope Mr. J finds a Democrat lawyer SOB who is a stupid enough SOB to file. The lawyer SOB will have to find a judge who also is a truly stupid SOB.

I did a news.google.com search for "sonofabitch" and got 16 current references, my personal favorite from which was from the SOBs at National Public Radio. It's a little too rank to repeat here.

A full Google search for the SOB word found 28,000 web pages, including one known as www.sonofabitch.com. He/she/it (I added "it" because we're dealing with Democrats here) could look at Sen. Kerry's website, which also contains the offending SOB word.

Mr. J and the easily offended Mrs. J should have tuned up to sue the Austin American-Statesman back in the early 1960s over a headline on a brief item about an Austin entrant doing well in an out-of- town dog show. It was: "Local Bitch Wins Dallas Show."

I should mention that Mr. J mounted a predictably pathetic defense of former President Jimmuh Carter, America's Favorite Fool. Mr. J said Carter "commanded a nuclear submarine before he became President," adding "I can assure you there are no fools entrusted with a United States nuclear submarine." That might be partially correct. It's possible that no fool ever commanded a U.S. nuclear submarine simply because Jimmuh Carter never commanded one. Carter was a nuclear engineer who did become an executive officer in the nuclear Navy. That's not "command" of a nuclear sub.

As Yogi Berra once told the lovely Mrs. J at the trash can, "You could look it up."

In national news, President Bush's National Security Adviser, Condoleezza Rice, will testify before the 9/11 Commission busybodies. I predict Condi Rice's testimony will end opportunist Richard Clarke's 15 minutes of fame. Ms. Rice is straightforward, honest, knowledgeable and has brainpower that probably surpasses the aggregate I.Q. of the Llano County Democratic Party.

Clarke is a fraud. He is a mean bureaucrat and his hatred for Ms. Rice probably stems from the fact that she – even as an elegant lady – is a better man than he is.

It is absolutely fitting that a Frog lawyer has volunteered to defend Saddam Hussein. Jacques Verges has had a long career in service of the evil and more evil. He represented Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie, terrorist Carlos the Jackal and former Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic. All those men were found guilty, of course, but that's not what makes Verges representative seem so correct. Saddam should be represented by a Frenchie, since he surrendered without the hint of a fight.

Meanwhile, back in Frogville, the government upgraded its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." This is the third highest French alert level – below "surrender" and "collaborate."

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico – President Bush proposed that America move completely to broadband availability by 2007, causing some consternation for former President Bill Clinton. "One of my guiding slogans in life has been `Bring On The Broads' and now Bush is stealing that and adding music to it," Clinton said in an interview at a Chappaqua, New York massage parlor.

On a happier note, Israel used rockets to bring Hamas leader Sheikh Ahmed Yassin to ambient temperature. Yassin's evil life proved only that a mean bastard can foment massacres, even when permanently confined to a wheelchair. Yassin's favorite trick was sending gullible young fools on suicide-bombing missions. (I have long been puzzled by the fact that suicide bombers are young idiots. I don't recall seeing ONE graybeard bearing down on an Israeli day-care center, commuter bus or pizza restaurant with explosives in his walker or wheelchair.) However, the mighty New Dork Times added an extra note of levity to Yassin's leaving this veil of tears, saying he was a "towering figure" among Palestinians.

May Allah instruct Yassin's 72 virgins to flush his Viagra down the heavenly commode.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: How many idiots, besides Jimmuh Carter, have won the Nobel Peace Prize?