April 5, 2004 -

SERENDIPITOUS SWEATSHOPPERY!

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Kerry wants us to take extra jobs.

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Now, the details...

It's shocking that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has come out for forced labor. Gigolo John put out a statement last week in which he scoffed at the seemingly great news that 308,000 new jobs were created in March. Quoth the Gigolo: "I've proposed a strategy that that [sic] revitalizes our manufacturing sector and puts us on track to create 10 million new jobs in the next four years." "Great!" you say. Problem with Gigolo John's promise is that the Bureau of Labor Statistics says there are only 8.4 million unemployed people in America, so Kerry swears he will "create" 1,600,000 more jobs than there are people who might want jobs.

We know how intolerant liberal Democrats like Kerry are of people who don't want to accept a helping hand from government, so we might assume that some people who already have jobs would have to take a second job – or the Gigolo President-To-Be would be supremely irritated. (I suspect some of my Democrat friends might be wondering why Howard Dean couldn't have kept his cool and won a bunch of primaries. Dean looks more sensible every day – compared with Gigolo John.)

Of course, Kerry might be willing to pitch in and do his share. He would have to become a bigamist to do it, but maybe he could marry another multimillionaire widow and spare some poor working slob the humiliation of having to do it. Is Yoko Ono still single?

Sen. Ted (The Swimmer) Kennedy might have a nice sidestroke, but his memory is laughable. In a speech at the Brookings Institution, Kennedy said "Iraq is George Bush's Vietnam...." Probably all those years of boozing, chasing whores and lying has impacted Teddy's minuscule brain, but he might want to remember that his brother, John F., is the guy who sent American troops to Vietnam.

Kennedy also compared President Bush to former President Nixon. Agreed that Nixon resigned in disgrace over Watergate, but he did that AFTER he ended JFK and LBJ's Vietnam War.

I wonder why Kennedy doesn't give a speech comparing Bush's Iraq policy with, maybe, swimming off and leaving a young woman to drown in an automobile at, say, Chappaquiddick? Mary Jo Kopechne was 28 years old when Senator Ted swam out of his Oldsmobile, alone, after driving drunk and missing a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island.

George W. Bush conquered Iraq in slightly more time than it took Kennedy to tell Massachusetts police he might have left a little something in his car under the bridge. That was Miss Kopechne, who drowned on July 19, 1969. Kennedy never apologized for killing a young woman while seeking a Monica Moment.

Senator Kerry flashed his math credentials in California. Gigolo John has no problem moving from, say, a $200 million wife to a $500 million one, but little gasoline prices are more worrisome (Well, they're so TINY! Little People should worry about them!)

Kerry told Californicators: "I noticed that gas is now close to three dollars a gallon here in California." Now it's possible Kerry "deadpanned" because Botox treatments have deadened his pan permanently. But Gigolo John's problem with small figures could be a problem. The gasoline he spoke of in California was $2.12 a gallon, – hardly "close to $3." It would have to go up another 41.5% to get there.

The Swimmer is funny, but Sen. Hillary (The Liar) Clinton is a riot. Hillary says the lack of "resources" caused the deaths of four U.S. workers in Falluhah, Iraq. Now those of us with working brains figure the Saddam Hussein hardliners caused the deaths (but what do we know. Senator Clinton is, we're constantly told, the Smartest Woman In The World). Anyway, Bill's Un-Squeeze appeared on the new liberal radio network and praised alleged whistleblower Richard Clarke as the primary blower since, maybe, that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

Senator Clinton said President Bush benefitted from the Clinton years, specifically military moves "learned in places like Haiti and Somalia." That's what she told almost-Commie talk-show host Al Franken. Hell of a lesson in Haiti, which continues in turmoil after the Clintonistas used minimal military might to install a president slightly to the right of Hillary. And Somalia? Would someone send the Junior Senator From New York a DVD of "Black Hawk Down?"

In other news, Senator Clinton canceled plans to visit St. Louis. She misunderstood an announcement that President Bush would throw out the first "P"itch to open the baseball season.

It's time for President Bush to close the border to his allegedly good bud, Mexican President Vicente Fox. Fox, a frequent flyer to the presidential ranch at Crawford, says the International Court of Justice and the United Nations will have to take action if the United States doesn't comply with a ruling that it review the cases of 51 Mexicans on death row. Fox opposed us on the Iraq war but wants Uncle Sugar to allow any Mexican to come here and collect benefits. Fox, perhaps remembering the Alamo, didn't specify what Mexico might do if the evil U.S.A. doesn't cave in to the so-called "international community." However, I have an idea for Fox. If Mexicans don't want the death penalty in the United States, they should murder people in Mexico – which doesn't have the death penalty.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Might someone ask Senator Kennedy how many young women have died in President Bush's automobile on a late-night tryst?