April 14, 2004 -

SINS OF COMMISSION!

WASHINGTON – The so-called 9/11 commission is actually the 10/2/4 commission. That would represent election day in 2004. Republicans on the commission are generally defending the defensible fact that President George W. Bush had been in office for 233 days when the al Qaeda attack came and probably is less culpable for blame than, say, President Bill Clinton. That even though Clinton was in office for more than 2,900 days during which al Qaeda marshaled its forces.

Bearing the brunt of the initial Democratic assault was Condoleezza Rice, Bush's brilliant national security adviser. Ms. Rice would be immune from attack if she were a Democrat but she is a black female Republican and thus is fair game for savaging and condescension.

The most egregious condescension came from former Sen. Bob Kerrey, a Democrat, who unctuously applauded Ms. Rice's rise to prominence. Kerrey pretended astonishment and awe that Ms. Rice had risen so far, so fast. Kerrey apparently is not familiar with Condi Rice's life. She was not born into poverty. Rather her parents were college-educated and guided their brilliant daughter toward a life of intellectual stimulation and fulfilment. Besides becoming a Ph.D and a recognized expert on defense and geopolitics, Ms. Rice was a concert pianist and a competition-level ice skater.

Ms. Rice underwent critical questioning by Democrat lawyer Jamie Gorelick, who once was a key aide to Attorney General Janet (Stonewall) Reno. Gorelick helped Reno work tirelessly to enable the shameless evasion and perjury that marked President Clinton's terms in office. She wrote a key memorandum that kept the FBI handcuffed in terrorism investigations. (If Ms. Gorelick ever becomes witness, rather than witless, possibly some commissioner will remark: "Ms. Gorelick, your story is amazing. Born to become a fat and homely Democratic lawyer and political hack, your unerring sense of mindless partisanship even rivaled that of Senator Hillary Clinton, the smartest woman in the world!")

Howard (The Scream) Dean pledged to help Democratic presidential nominee every way he can. We got a hint of what Howard thinks of Kerry when he wrote an op-ed piece for the mighty New Dork Times, seeming to urge Democrats to resist the impulse to vote for left-wing radical Ralph Nader. Howard wrote: "Many Democrats also admire Ralph Nader's achievements, as I do. But if they truly want George Bush out of the White House, they won't vote for Ralph Nader in November." Now that sounds like Howard is screaming for Kerry, but he never said that. Dean's piece mentioned Ralph Nader eight times and George W. Bush seven times. John Kerry rated one sentence, which went this way: "Everyone also expects the candidacy of Ralph Nader to make the race between John Kerry and George Bush even closer."

As praise goes, that ranks right up there with: "You don't sweat much, for a fat girl." Or maybe: "Of all the people I have known, he is one of them."

WASHINGTON – The mighty New Dork Times says the father of the Pakistani nuclear program admits that North Koreans took him to a secret underground nuclear plant five years ago – and showed him three nuclear weapons. The story doesn't mention who was President five years ago, but contains criticism of the Bush administration from President Clinton's National Security Adviser, Sandy Berger. Berger didn't mention who was responsible for North Korea getting nuclear technology. That happened in a deal brokered by Jimmuh Carter and accepted by Clinton (and Sandy Berger). Clinton, you might recall, also agreed to pay North Korea for NOT developing nuclear weapons. It's no wonder that some foreign leaders – including the head nutball in North Korea – want another Democrat to be president.

Kerry probably picked up support from terrorist Shiite Imam Muqtada al-Sadr. In a broadcast interview, Kerry honked that al-Sadr is a "legitimate voice" in Iraq – ignoring the fact that he has led an uprising that has killed more than 20 American soldiers and led to death among foreign civilians. Kerry indicated it was a mistake for coalition forces to shut down al-Sadr's newspaper. Ambassador Paul Bremer objected to the fact that the newspaper called for Iraqi Shiite Muslims to kill as many Americans as they could.

NEW YORK – The nation's most recognizable speech impediment belongs to ABC newshen Barbara Walters, popularly known as Baba Wahwah. Baba is peddling her memoirs and a report in the New York Post says Baba's babbling is expected to command an advance of $6 million. I hope Baba confesses her love for Fidel Castro in the book – as she did in exclusive, and gushy, TV interviews with the Cuban dictator. And no writing by Baba would be complete without her welating her deepest twepidations about Wode Wage. You don't wemember Baba on Wode Wage? Wode Wage is when dwivers get all upset with one another and act violently on our stweets or highways. And Baba possibly will also share her views on Wacial Pwofiling. (Be assured that Baba is against Wacial Pwofiling.)

PARIS – The Frogs were warned there could be terrorist attacks on French trains. There were none but chaos ensued, with the French government immediately sending a letter of surrender addressed: "To Whom It May Concern."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Since John Kerry honks (rather than "speaks"), is it possible he is an endangered species? Maybe a whooping crane?