April 21, 2004 -

GITMO GOTCHAOGRAPHY!

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Five fools among nine people might decide terrorists are as American as our own crooks.

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That, and more. Now, the details...

WASHINGTON – The 9/11 Commission That Never Ends – also known as the United States Supreme Court – is hearing the sad tales of citizens of the world who have been denuded of the Constitutional rights guaranteed to all Americans. One fool of a lawyer (if you'll pardon the slight redundancy) told the justices that the United States has created a "lawless enclave" at Guantanamo, where poor Muslims are being held for no other reason than they wanted to destroy the United States and the evil infidels who reside here.

The Bush administration takes the historically correct position that enemy combatants have long been outside the scope of, say, the Bill of Rights. Lawyers for the more than 600 detainees still were able to attract some brain-impaired Americans to their cause. One spectator was Justin Briggs, 25, of Gaithersburg, Md., who said, "It's not acceptable to detain people without recourse. I think they should have at least a fair hearing to prove their innocence, if they are innocent."

The cases before the court are Rasul v. Bush and al-Odah v. United States. Justin might want to think about something we learned from the 9/11 hearings. Let's consider that "Rasul" and "al-Odah" might be freed by the Supreme Court, which has done stupid things before. Let's posit that Justin is about to board an airplane at Newark International Airport. And let's say that Rasul and al-Odah are at the airport at a time when two OTHER young Arab men are being questioned by security people. Under rules still in effect, Rasul and al-Odah would be free to board the airplane with the ever-so-sensitive Justin – because the rules say no more than two Arabs can be questioned at one time. (No, I'm not making this up.)

I haven't been able to listen to that new liberal radio network. What do they call it? Airhead America? Airbrain America? Or maybe it's just Air America. Anyway, Airhead America was supposed to wrest control of the AM radio airwaves from evil conservatives such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Problem is that Airhead America apparently isn't attractive to radio stations and their listeners. The Chicago Tribune reports the alleged "network" lost its low-power affiliates in Chicago and Los Angeles due to bouncing checks. Those cities happen to represent the second and third largest radio markets in America – airhead or not.

There's scary news about cloning. It seems a company will, for a mere $50,000, clone your pussycat. Cloning pussycats seems a little extreme to me. I love Puma, the Cottonwood Cove pussycat, but she didn't cost a dime. I don't believe 50K would be a wise investment just for another lap ornament. Not even a pretty calico one.

However, this is pretty scary when you project it past pussycats. Imagine the possibilities. For around $25,000 maybe somebody would clone Algore, so we could always have a hyperactive idiot running around, warning that the sky is falling. Maybe for $10,000 these same evil geniuses might clone Jimmuh Carter. Do we really need another sanctimonious ass with the brainpower of a cat? Could his handlers train him to use the litter box after he receives his phony Nobel Peace Prize?

Maybe cloning isn't all that scary: if scientists will agree to stop at pussycats. Cloning wimps and fools doesn't seem productive.

Lots of evil Republicans and a couple of reporters seem to be interested in getting John Kerry to live up to his promise to release all his military records. There is particular interest in Hero John's first purple heart, since one of Kerry's former commanders says the wound that Kerry used to get it (the first of three) was sort of like the one you might get if you tried to take a piece of fish away from a kitten. A little, bitty kitten. Honker John says anybody who wants to see his military records can come to his campaign headquarters and have a look. But a Boston reporter showed up to see the records and the Kerry campaignverts told him to take a walk.

If you need any evidence that Massachusetts people are a shade on the loopy side, consider income taxes. The Massachusetts top income tax rate used to be 5.85 percent, but it was lowered to 5.3 %. So for the past two years, taxpayers have had the option of paying either at the old rate, or the new one. Believe it or not, 624 taxpayers in Massachusetts chose to pay at the higher rate, while more than 2 million other Bay Staters chose the lower one. John Kerry picked the lower figure. I guess he just wants US to pay at higher rates.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If some idiot clones the 9/11 Commission, can we have him/her/it taken to Guantanamo and put before a firing squad?