May 12, 2004 -

SUMPTUOUS SWIMMEROGRAPHY!

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Teddy and the breaststroke (all by himself, for a change...)

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Now, the details...

When we thought the Iraq prisoner material was ready for the compost pile, here came Ted (The Swimmer) Kennedy, who said: "On March 19, 2004, President Bush asked, 'Who would prefer that Saddam's torture chambers still be open?' Shamefully, we now learn that Saddam's torture chambers reopened under new management: U.S. management." Now that sounds terrible, until we consider that one of the famous pre-war videos was of Hussein swimming the Euphrates. I don't know that the Massachusetts White Whale could swim the Euphrates, but, me, I dunno. (Mary Jo Kopechne is not available for comment.)

"Ohmigawd!" is in order. Plagiarist Joe Biden, occasionally known as a Democrat Senator from Delaware, mumbled softly about President George W. Bush's decision to wage war on Iraq. (Biden mumbled because he voted for the war.) He said Bush must demonstrate that he understands the "nature of the damage" caused by the abuse incident by "determining who is responsible, no matter how far up the chain of command this goes." That wasn't so bad, but Biden couldn't stop himself, continuing: Once those people are identified, he said, Bush must "demand the resignations for whoever is involved in this policy, and that includes Lord God Almighty himself. It includes anybody involved."

Now I have never had any doubt that the Almighty is on our side, but it's interesting to see that a prominent Democratic Senator thinks maybe He should be impeached – or at least court-martialed. (Cuff him, Dano. But brace for the fires of Hell).

Personally, I would like to apologize for "Friends" being on TV – and for "Friends" going off TV. Further, I apologize for Hillary Clinton's fat ankles and for the fact that Houston Democratic Congressperson Sheila Jackass-Lee (sometimes known as Sheila Jackson-Lee) is an idiot. Ms. Jackass-Lee had a TV interview in which she said the problems in Iraq's prisons happened on Donald Rumsfeld's "clock." This from a woman who needs a digital watch to know the time of day.

Many of the key players in the Iraqi prison kerfuffle are women. The photographer for the key pictures is a woman and a star is a skinny young female military policewoman, who in one shot has an Iraqi creep on a leash. Even worse, the commander of the MP battalion in question is a female, Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski. There have been questions for years (and I am among the more questioning) about women in the military. But is it possible that women are simply too violent to be trusted as guards for Iraqi killers and slime?

My friend, Denny Davis, muses that it's only mid-May – with over six months to the presidential election. Denny is looking forward to John Kerry, starring in Viagra commercials.

Now this is terrible. I guess it's time to turn Iraq back to Hussein. That sober assessment comes because Saddam Hussein's defense lawyers say that have received no responses from the U.S. occupation forces in Iraq to their repeated entreaties that they be allowed to see their client. Don't maniacs and mass murderers have rights? We really should release Hussein, naked, somewhere in Kuwait and see what happens. After we read him his Miranda Rights, of course.

The "divide" in America is so ridiculous it's almost funny. Polls show that around 60 percent of Americans believe America is fair and decent and that the world would be a better place if other countries patterned their behavior after that of the U.S. That's not ridiculous. It becomes ludicrous only when the poll goes into politics. Bush voters say, 83 to 7 percent, that America is fair and decent. Kerry voters agree – but only 46-37 percent.

Is this a strange country, or what?

Ah, lawyers. Another hassle involves Brandon Mayfield, an Oregon lawyer who is accused of helping the al Qaeda thugs who blew up trains in Spain on 3/11/2004. Poor Brandon converted to Islam (that's the religion of peace, just in case you don't recall) and moved from Kansas to Oregon because Kansans thought him a tad strange. But the question is: how could lawyer Brandon Mayfield's fingerprints be on a duffel bag that placed some of the explosives in Spain? Simple. It's possible that an al Qaeda thug retained Brandon to represent him in a divorce and Brandon's fingerprints were on the duffel bag because Brandon thought the Moslem thug had money hidden there.

And more lawyers...

A judge in Rochester, New York ordered a couple not to conceive any more children until their present litter is no longer in foster care. In case you don't know who pays for foster care, taxpayers do. Monroe County Family Court Judge Marilyn O'Connor's ruling noted that the mother and dad appear to have no interest in her four children, aged 1,2,4, 5. Three of the children tested positive for cocaine, by the way, and both parents have a history of drug abuse. The civil rights nutcases are going ballistic but neither of the parents cared enough to make a showing in court.

We can only hope that Judge Marilyn O'Connor will run for the U.S. Senate against either Charles (Chuckie) Schumer or Hillary Clinton.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If Hussein and Kennedy can mobilize a committee, will it be "Swimmers For Kerry?"