May 19, 2004 -

MASSACHUSETTS MARRIAGEOGRAPHY!

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Do you, John, take Jack to be your lawfully wedded thingamajig

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And more of blissful relationships....

Massachusetts is hosting the nation's first homosexual weddings, thanks to a 4-3 verdict by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court. (I don't understand why Massachusetts calls its supreme court the supreme "judicial" court. Maybe they think people who don't live in Massachusetts are too stupid to know that "supreme" and "court" can be conjoined without a Yankee telling us a court is "judicial"). Anyway, there are pictures a'plenty of gay guys and gals waving at the cameras as they emerge as man and man – wife and wife – somethingorother and somethingother – or whatever. The only personal benefit possible from this is animalistic. Maybe Carole and I can travel to Massachusetts, where she can marry Puma, the cat and I can wed Dork, the dawg, and get a tax break. The fact that Carole and I have been married for 43 years shouldn't matter. We'll be in Massachusetts!

Now I know why all those tens of millions of dollars were spent on the busybody fools known as the 9/11 commission. So they would tell us that New York City's police and fire departments weren't exactly prepared for two jumbo jets plowing into the World Trade Center towers on September 11, 2001 and killing 3,000 people.

The 9/11 idiots also revealed, this only on Tuesday, that the New York fire and police departments aren't the same organizations. Sorry, but I could have done that for nothing – just by looking in the telephone book.

Here's one for the "poh baby" file. The anti-American Reuters "news" service filed a mammoth story, asserting this: "Reuters, NBC Staff Abused by U.S. Troops in Iraq." It seems the three Reuters rent-a-ragheads reported this week that they were roughed up and subjected to "sexual and religious taunts and humiliation" when they were detained at a military camp last JANUARY. Correct me if Alzheimers has kicked in, but wasn't January at least four months ago? Reuters answers the question, sort of, in its "story." It said its rent-a-ragheads decided to report the "abuse" after the Abu Ghraid prison problems came up. Would anyone like to bet they also decided to report "abuse" after Don Rumsfeld said "abuse" victims should be "compensated?"

Please forgive me the quotation marks where they don't belong, but I'm just copying Reuters, which says terrorists are "insurgents" and won't use "terrorist" without the silly quotation marks.

That's a peculiar anti-American virus that also infects the mighty New Dork Times, America's largest and most significantly biased newspaper. The Mighty Dork aped Reuters' quotation marks in this headline: "Bush, at a Commencement, Hails 'Honor' of U. S. Troops in Iraq". (Please pardon me if I reach for the barf bag).

Of course, it's possible there was "sexual humiliation" of the detainees. I hear one evil U.S. soldier even threatened to send the Reuters rent-a-ragheads to Massachusetts, where they would be pronounced wife and wife. That's a dire threat to a guy who might expect 72 virgins in the hereafter – or a sexually active female camel in the here-and-now.

I heard a promo on CBS for "CSI:Miami New York," leading me to believe that CSI's march will never end. Well, maybe it will. At, say, "CSI:Miami:New York: North Dakota," where the intrepid crime-scene investigators descend on Fargo investigate the case of someone who has been kidnaping and shearing bisexual sheep.

Tom Brokaw, 64, is retiring as anchor for the NBC Nightly News, but NBC says Brokenjaw is under contract for one more decade. The news department is making contingency plans for Brokenjaw to become an imbedded reporter if there is another Iraq-style war. Thus the NBC purchasing department is looking for low bidders on a Kevlar walker and a supercharged wheelchair, both of which must lean to the left.

Ohio Democrats decided one guy who might represent their state well as a delegate to the Boston Democratic convention would be Jerry Springer, host of a disgusting but successful trash TV show. Maybe Jerry can host a seminar for Democrat lesbians who want to marry their Rottweilers. (Can they do that in Massachusetts? Inquiring minds want to know...)

I should admit that I have wondered for about 20 years just why Don Johnson was a TV and movie star. But I got a belly laugh when I read that Don's ranch in the Aspen, Colorado area is up for sale for a mere $21 million. What Don thinks is a ranch is 17 acres. In West Texas, 17 acres is a start on a really good backyard.

There is sobering news out of Cuba, where a doctor reports that Fidel Castro, age 77, can live to 140. If true, possibly Teddy (The Swimmer) Kennedy can live to be 135 or so. Teddy's name came up because Castro's sawbones, Dr Eugenio Selman Housein, mentioned that Castro continues to swim. Mary Jo Kopechne remains not available for comment.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: When CSI:Miami/New York comes to Tow, Texas will the actors be able to stay awake?