June 2, 2004 -

JUGHEADED JUDGEOGRAPHY!

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The Clinton legacy lives (but so does cancer).

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Now, the details...

Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry has a plan, kinda/sorta, to take nuclear weapons out of the grubby hands of terrorists and other evildoers. Kerry's plan is typically non-specific, but he promises to appoint a White House "nonproliferation coordinator." (Maybe he/she/it would have the title "Mushroom Cloud Czar.") Kerry also says he would "safeguard" nuclear weapons and do the same for raw plutonium and uranium in Russia and 40 other countries within four years. He doesn't detail what he thinks might happen in, say, North Korea, if a United States force shows up and the commander says, "Hi. I'm from the American Government and I'm here to safeguard your weapons." Of course, Honker John, being the French candidate for president, might want to send in a Frog Force.

In other news, we got the name of one of those "foreign leaders" who wants Kerry to be president. Kerry got endorsed by Hans Blix, the pacifist who made certain he and his United Nations team found no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. After endorsing Kerry, Blix reportedly went to San Francisco, where he reported that his search for homosexuals has been fruitless.

In another priceless Kerry moment, the French-looking Senator flipped "the bird" to a Vietnam veteran who told Kerry he didn't belong at the Vietnam Memorial in Washington – since he had slandered the brave soldiers memorialized there.

The legacy of former President Jimmuh Carter is huge. He won a Nobel Peace Prize because Europe hates a strong America in general and George W. Bush in particular. And Carter proved that our country is so strong that it can survive for four years with a complete fool as President. The legacy of Bill Clinton is more deleterious and will last longer – because Clinton had four years to appoint left-wing idiots to lifetime jobs on our federal courts. The latest legacy of Clintonism comes when a Bill-appointed judge, Phyllis J. Hamilton of San Francisco, rambled on for 117 pages in trying to strike down the new federal law banning partial-birth abortion. Partial-birth abortion happens when an "abortion provider" cracks the skull of a live baby before it is completely delivered, then uses a suction tool to pull the baby's brain cells into a Shop-Vac.

There are no documented cases of babies living after the procedure, but there is a possibility that some indeed are still alive and are Democrat appointees to federal courts.

There was a time when misidentifying a white person as a "Negro" was viewed by society as a libel. Those days, thankfully, are long gone but a dimbulb federal judge in (where else?) Massachusetts has taken the concept on a long leap. Judge Nancy Gertner ruled that identifying a heterosexual as a homosexual does not amount to libel or slander – since court decisions have granted new rights to gay people. Judgette Gertner's ruling threw out a lawsuit by a former bodyguard to Madonna, who claimed he was libeled when his name appeared in a photo caption of a Madonna book – under a picture of Madonna walking with a gay man.

You would never in a million years guess who appointed Judge Nancy Gertner. But think "Arkansas," "oral sex" and "impeachment" and it might come to you.

Modern American fruitcakes love conspiracies. You know the people I mean. They will tell you earnestly that Lee Harvey Oswald didn't kill John F. Kennedy. Sirhan Sirhan didn't kill Bobby Kennedy. The Navy shot down an airliner near Long Island. So maybe we can come up with a new conspiracy for the nutballs to kick around, since they can't accept that anything simply happens. Nope. Conspiratorialists believe that events always are controlled by dark and evil forces. Lately, these demented souls usually believe that the dark and evil machinations are fine-tuned by the evil George W. Bush and the even-more-evil Dick Cheney.

So, today's conspiracy-in-development involves the fact that two principal players in the Watergate scandal – Archibald Cox and Sam Dash – both died over the weekend. Cox was 92 and died of old age and Dash succumbed to "multiple organ failure." However, it's possible that some on the Loony Left will wonder if President Bush had something to do with these movements to the Hereafter.

However, there is good news – for Swedes who might be breathing heavily between 4 p.m. and 9 p.m. A Swedish aid organization has a white van and will leap into action whenever couples call 696969. The Swedes will deliver a packet of 10 condoms. At a bargain price, too.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Why do Swedes lose interest in sex after 9 p.m? (Maybe they all watch CNN...)