June 16, 2004 -

BAGHDAD MAMAS!

---

Who says war is all work and no foreplay? And there are scum suits.

---

Now, the details...

The Americanization of Iraqi scum is under way. Eight alums of prisons in Iraq have filed a federal lawsuit, claiming that employees of two American contractors subjected them to abuse – including electric shocks, rape and torture. American feminists can take heart from a plaintiff named Neisef. Neisef says he was raped by a female worker at a prison at Camp Bucca in southern Iraq.

At least Neisef won't have to be sent home. The Washington Times reports that U.S. Central Command is not keeping tabs on the number of troopettes who have to leave the Iraq war theater because of pregnancy. The most photographed Baghdad Mama so far is Pfc. Lynndie England, the skinny guard often seen with an Iraqi prisoner on a leash. But Lynndie apparently has a lot of company in swelling-belly troopettes. Elaine Donnelly, president of the Center for Military Readiness, says she has repeatedly asked the Pentagon to compile pregnancy statistics for the war but that's one rabbit the Pentagon brass hats don't want to kill. She says: "It would not be in the interest of the Army to release those numbers because it might raise questions about having so many women in so many unprecedented positions." There have been studies. A presidential commission in 1992 found that pregnancy was a main reason that the non-deployability rate for female troops was three times higher than for men during the 1990-91 Persian Gulf war. I assume that the pregnancy rate for men was pretty low.

(Whatever happened to "Don't ask, don't tell?")

Meanwhile, in news involving real torture, Republicans rejected torture. That conclusion is obvious, since Jimmuh Carter and Bill Clinton were denied their God-given right to speak at President Reagan's funeral service. Carter is sulking but Clinton is moving on. Clinton has retained the Democrat law firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe. Insiders said Clinton plans to sue to demand he be imprisoned at Camp Bucca in Iraq or at least granted a few unleashed hours with Lynndie England.

Meanwhile, Democrats are angrier than a homosexual Iraqi prisoner who didn't get picked for the "nude stack" pictures. That's because Senate Republicans are angling for a mid-July vote on a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. That will force Democrats to vote before they go hand-in-hand to Boston for the convention to nominate John (Honker) Kerry for the presidential nomination. Kerry, you'll recall, says he opposes gay marriage but opposes anything that would prevent it. At the moment, many gay-friendly Democrats aren't happy Democrats.

The union that represents United States border patrol agents isn't at all gay or even happy about the latest shipment of new Border Patrol uniforms, which bear the tag "Made in Mexico." Joseph Dassaro, president of the National Border Patrol Council Local 1613 in San Diego, mentioned "outsourcing" as one problem but says he is afraid the uniforms will be stolen in Mexico and used by terrorists, alien smugglers or drug dealers to cross unimpeded into the United States. I have a question for Joe. How many Border Patrol agents on THIS side of the border wouldn't be a shade suspicious if they see a guy in a Border Patrol uniform swimming the Rio Grande?

And Teresa Lewis is unhappy, too. Teresa is the only woman on death row in Virginia. She admits hiring a couple of goons to kill her husband and stepson so she could collect $250,000 in insurance money. But Teresa says it just ain't fair that the snuff agents she hired got life without parole while she was sentenced to death. Interviewed at the Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women at Troy, Virginia, Teresa says she has reason to live. "I've got a daughter here," she said. And that's true. The lovely Teresa's daughter, Christie Lynn Bean, 17, is serving five years at the Fluvanna prison because she knew about the murder plot but remained silent. If Teresa goes to that big insurance pool in the sky, she'll be the first woman executed in Virginia since 1912.

Virginia has executed 91 people since the Supreme Court reinstated the death penalty in 1976, second behind Texas. Of the 912 people executed nationally since then, only 10 have been women.

An Associated Press knucklehead wrote that President Bush "offered a glowing tribute" to Bill Clinton in remarks for the unveiling of Clinton's official portrait. But let's look at what Bush said: "As a candidate for any office, whether it be the state attorney general or the president, Bill Clinton showed incredible energy and great personal appeal." Well, yep. (And Hitler was one hell of a candidate, too.) Bush continued: "As chief executive, he showed a deep and far-ranging knowledge of public policy, a great compassion for people in need and the forward-looking spirit that Americans like in a president." (Uh-huh.)

Sorry, but that reminds me of a job situation I once had. I was working for a knothead, who was held in high regard by people who didn't work for or near him. So when people asked me for my opinion of this Great Man, I would say, "I've never worked for anyone quite like him."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is there a tiny inset of Monica in the Clinton portrait?