June 23, 2004 -

LUGUBRIOUS LIAROGRAPHY!

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Arkansas scum covers 957 pages.

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Now, the details...

The big media event is the debut of Bill Clinton's book, "My Lies." (That's not exactly what's on the book jacket, but my version is more correct than Clinton's). People everywhere are lining up to buy a boring tome written, more or less, by an admitted perjurer and lifelong pathological liar. Clinton, in what might be a personal error, admits that Monica Lewinsky's story about their kneepadding was right, and he lied, when he testified, under oath, to a grand jury. Monica testified she began servicing Bill in November, 1995, but Bill said his "inappropriate sexual relationship" began in "earl;y 1996." As expected, Bill was lying. His book confirms Monica's dates for their "dates." Oh, and Bill says he worked like hell to do something to bin Laden. I knew you'd be happy to know that.

Clinton said he spent about a month bedding down on a couch after it was revealed he lied about having sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. Now there are at least 12 bedrooms in the living quarters of the White House. If Bill spent a month on a couch, it's because he had an intern named "Couch."

The American Veterinary Medicine Association should send a crisis team to the mighty New Dork Times – to treat columnist Maureen Dowd. The psychotic Ms. Dowd is the sickest puppy at a newspaper that missed its last 12 rabies shots. Here's Maniac Maureen in Sunday's column: "The Clinton alpha instinct on Monica, fueled by a heady cocktail of testosterone and opportunism, was the same one that led W. into his march of folly with Iraq. After 9/11, the president, vice president and secretary of defense wanted to go to the Middle East and knock the stuffing out of somebody bad — because it would feel good, because it would put our enemies on notice, and because it would make the president look strong."

That from the shrilling woman who was screaming after September 11th for somebody, anybody, to tell her what brand of gas mask to buy and to advise her on anthrax shots. And Maureen has forgotten that 3,000 people died in the al Qaeda attacks, if she equates Clinton with his pants down to George W. Bush with our defenses up. Maureen, of course, only parrots the Democrat party (and Times) line that Saddam's lads didn't run the attacks on the World Trade Centers and Pentagon.

Dowd is an interesting polemicist and psychotic. During the Bubba hubbub she criticized Clinton often as an immoral jerk. However, any soft slap at Clinton invariably was followed with a Dowd column in which she went for Ken Starr's groin, taking complete liberty from fact to savage Starr, the special counsel in the Clinton affray. My personal favorite piece of Maureen madness was one in which she tried to depict Starr as fantasizing about seeing Monica's chunky body in thong underwear. That's almost as disgusting as the idea of Maureen in thong underwear. (The word "yuck" leaps to mind.)

In other news of marginal sexuality, an osteopath in Gresham, Oregon will spend two months in jail. Dr. Randall J. Smith, 50, advised a patient that having sex with him would relieve her pelvic pain. Then he billed Oregon Health Plan about $5,000 for the heavy-breathing "therapy." Smith must perform 200 hours of "community service" as part of a plea agreement. Bill Clinton has offered to service Oregon women for 100 hours – half of the sentence – if they'll agree to come to the couch. Hillary has not yet been available for comment.

And in still other news of sexuality, Sen. John Kerry announced he plans to extend the child-care tax credit from $3,000 to $5,000 AND extend the credit to people who have no job at all. So, let's put the pencil to it, ladies. Even if you make zero dollars and can't hit the sack with Dr. Smith in Oregon and collect $5,000, you can hit the hay with someone else and collect $5,000 – if you're lucky enough to get pregnant.

Ever wonder how a business start-up would work if it were run by liberal Democrats? Look not beyond Air America. Air(head) America told its investors it was capitalized with more than $30 million – when the true figure was around $6 million. Knowing that, Airhead America spent $70,000 on a party at the hip Maritime Hotel in New York, attracting more than 1,000 non-paying guests – including Yoko Ono and Tim Robbins. Now Airhead America is in the deep stuff. Host Al Franken says he's working without salary – meaning he's finally being paid what he's worth.

In other news of the Party of the People, Boston tax drivers are hacked over a city proposal that delegates to the Democratic National Convention give them vouchers – instead of money. The city says vouchers to and from Logan International Airport should be worth maybe $10, tops. Boston cabbies say the trip is usually about $30.

I keep hearing about Sen. John Kerry's "short list" for vice president. How about former Clinton economics adviser Robert Reich. He's about 2 feet tall.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Can Bill Clinton lie without moving his lips?