July 15, 2004 -

GOOD HAIR DAZE!

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Democrats have rubber backbones, but iron hair.

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Now, the details...

Democrats are adopting a movie premise for their presidential ticket. Instead of "Beauty and the Beast," the Election 2004 saga will be called "The Corpse and the Cutie."

"...Real American values?" That's what John Kerry and John The Cutie said they heard from the Hollywood perverts who used a fundraiser in New York City to call President Bush a "liar...thug...killer." This leads us to believe the Kerry/Cutie campaign believes Osama bin Laden holds "American values."

That follows another howler in which Kerry said of rural people in and around Cloquet, Minnesota: "I actually represent the conservative values that they feel." Sure. And San Francisco and Austin represent the cities of America, Whoopi Goldberg represents mental health, Saddam Hussein stands for compassion and John Kerry is the archetype of political steadfastness.

Honker John also said he would vote "no" on the Federal Marriage Amendment, which seeks to define marriage quaintly – as something involving one man and one woman. But the Honker says he opposes gay marriage. How can this be? Well, Kerry says Republicans are "turning around, and for political purposes, in the middle of a campaign, for the first time in history, trying to amend the Bill of Rights." Huh? I don't pretend to be a Constitutional scholar, but danged if I know which of the first 10 Amendments guarantees the right to homosex marriage.

Speaking of same-sex things, the problem of same-sex divorce has already reared its ugly head. A twosome of Californicationists had managed to be "partners" for 10 years but filed for a divorce only three months after being "married" in San Francisco. There is a problem, however. The ex-sweeties can't get a divorce until the courts decide whether they were ever really married.

I don't know how many people sit and watch cable news programs, hoping that say, a speech by President Bush or a John Kerry news conference will be interrupted for "breaking news" helicopter coverage of cops in a high-speed pursuit. The plot lines for these "breaking news" stories are almost as unpredictable as, say, these for "Walker, Texas Ranger." The dimwits eventually abandon the vehicle and are swarmed by dozens of cops – who display tender sensitivity in the arrest. (That's because they know the TV camera is in the sky and the TV producers are hoping to have the next "Rodney King" video.)

Chase buffs will be disappointed if a new piece of technology works out. A tekkie in California will market a car zapper, which will allow cops to send a powerful beam of electronics at fecklessly fleeing fools – disrupting engine computers and shutting down the car. But don't be surprised if you read, a year or so after the technology is adopted, that the U.S. Supreme Court has outlawed it as a violation of fleeing felons' constitutional rights.

Ronald Reagan's legacy is a rich one: A country awakened from the malaise of Jimmuh The Idiot. An economy that boomed. An Evil Empire that fell because of Reagan's steadfast belief in freedom. But a tiny sliver of the Reagan legacy is harmful and it shows no sign of going away. That shard is Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who ranks as the worst presidential appointment since Earl Warren duped Dwight Eisenhower into appointing him to the high court. Justice O'Connor's latest piece of legal babble comes in her majority opinion requiring that every enemy American soldiers might meet should have access to the American legal system. I assume Justice O'Connor means only enemies who live through a confrontation, but one can never be certain when the thoughts of fools, and Supreme Court Justices, are involved. If O'Connor, and her like-minded pinheads, keep going it's only a matter of time before the Armed Forces are required to give terrorists three written warnings before taking action.

Of course, there remains a good work-around situation for Americans with working brains. One way to avoid thousands of court hearings for enemy combatants is simple. Kill the bastards on the battlefield.

Another sliver of Reagan's legacy is mildly troublesome. That's his dimbulb son, Ron Jr., who will speak at the Democratic National Convention, undoubtedly cocking his ear to the west so he can listen to his father twirling in the grave.

The mighty New Dork Times validates my long-held belief that felons should be denied the right to vote. The Dork does it, of course, inadvertently, since it published a strident editorial noting that about 4.7 million Americans – or more than 2 percent of adult population – is kept away from the ballot box by criminal records. As usual, the Dork plays the race card – noting that 13 percent of black men "have had their votes taken away, seven times the national average." Sorry, but voting rights weren't TAKEN AWAY. The felons gave them away.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: In a gay divorce, who gets the house? (Question donated by Denny Davis).