July 28, 2004 -

UP, DOWN, SIDEWAYS!

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The Kerry/Cutie ticket is changing America (kind of like a diaper).

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Now, the details...

It's magic. Liberals and liberalism, pacifists and pacifism, are nowhere to be seen. If the Democratic convention TV spectacular is to be believed, Democrats are tough on crime, rock-solid on defense and just plain old all-American mainstream. Gay marriage? Fuggedaboutdit! Abortion? Say what! Fiscal affairs? Democrats are for spending trillions but downright Goldwaterite on balanced budgets!

Outside the fantasy world, there was marginally good news for investors. Stock markets go down every time the Kerry/Cutie ticket upticks in the public-opinion polls. So, the good news is an Associated Press weekend story that indicates President George W. Bush is ahead. Kerry and the Cutie promise to repeal all the Bush tax cuts and promise to spend maybe a trillion bucks more on new entitlement (read that as "welfare") programs. I'd bet the drones who manage Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira-Heinz-Kerry's billion in assets are getting out of stocks with every bump Honker John gets in the polls.

After the lovely Teresa loses, say, a couple of hundred million she might tell John to go to his room.

Saint Teresa did a Cheney on a working stiff from a Pittsburgh newspaper. He asked her what she meant when she said "un-American" in a speech and she, naturally, denied she said it. Even thought she had just given a speech decrying the lack of "civility" in political discourse. So, after saying there was an "un-American" tone to dissent, Teresa denied she said that, then told the reporter to "shove it."

In case you think Saint Teresa never said anything correct, Boston reporters unearthed a long-ago interview in which she called Teddy Kennedy a "perfect bastard." (She was slightly wrong . Teddy isn't perfect.) Saint Teresa gave a long mumble at the convention. She mentioned her husband, sort of. This is all about HER (it's in the pre-nup).

Democratic political operatives aren't certain how to rein in Teresa. Some believe they should simply keep her quiet. Others say Teddy should take her for a midnight drive on Chappaquiddick Island.

It's not possible to misread the headline in the Washington Times from July 24. It is: "COMMIES FOR KERRY." Yep, the Communist Party USA is backing Honker John Kerry's presidential campaign. The Communist Party USA and the the Young Communist League pledged to do their best to "...deliver a decisive defeat to Bush and the far-right agenda?" CPUSA political action committee Chairwoman Joelle Fishman writes: "Kerry reflects a liberal agenda, his campaign represents a moderate-progressive coalition. . . . He is the vehicle by which George W. Bush, representing the most extreme reaction, can be defeated."

Wow! The Honker might want to say he has never heard of some of his friends.

The Honker's chief political pal, Sen. Kennedy, was interviewed over the weekend. Teddy was asked why Kerry won't own up to being a "liberal." Teddy swam into an evasive routine in which he said he thinks he, Kennedy, is a "liberal" but Kerry is a "progressive." Problem with that is the Honker's voting record: the most liberal in the Senate. The Swimmer is merely No. 4. As the woman from the Communist Party says, Kerry is part of a "moderate-progressive" coalition. I wonder if Ms. Fishman The Red thinks Pink Teddy is a "moderate..."

But Americans are being spared some of Honker John and The Swimmer. The big networks booked less coverage of the Democratic convention than, say, the 10 hours it took Teddy to tell anybody that Mary Jo Kopechne was in his car that went off the bridge at Chappaquiddick. Those hours were too bad for Ms. Kopechne, who probably lived for several of them in an air bubble in Kennedy's car. But she was a liberal, or maybe a "progressive," and might have understood that Teddy had to get his story straight before he spoke to the cops.

Former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean spoke to the Democratic convention Tuesday evening. It was a moving speech – for the McGovern/Jerry Brown segment of the party. I didn't hear him scream, but Dork, the Cottonwood Cove dog, started howling at the end. (I thought Dork was a black lab. Does this mean he's really a yellow dog?)

Former Presidential Disaster Jimmuh Carter spoke to the convention Monday night. Jimmuh didn't address the fact that he's still an idiot.

The Democrats put on a variety of stuffed shirts, but there was stuffed-pants news, as well. It seems that Sandy Berger rejected four plans to kill or capture Osama bin Laden, back in Bill Clinton's eight years as president. Sandy really needs to clean his pants and go to his room – in a nice federal correctional facility.

Norm Clarke of the Las Vegas Review-Journal quotes stage producer Norbert Aleman as saying it's only a matter of time before Las Vegas has a gay casino. Now I'm not much of a gambler (outside of the stock market) but I wonder how a gay casino would differ from the ones Vegas has now. Would blackjack players say, "Hit me, but kiss me first?" Might dice tossers yell, "Brucie Baby needs a new pair of handcuffs?" And what will the owners name the new gay casino in the city of light-in-the-loafers? Maybe "I-Seize-Yours Palace?"

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Will the Las Vegas gay casino will be built on property now occupied by the gay hardware store – the Homo Depot?