August 4, 2004 -

PUERILE PLANOGRAPHY!

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The Honker has an idea.

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Now, the details...

Honker John Kerry said he has a secret plan to pacify Iraq, Afghanistan and maybe even Crawford, Texas. He also has a secret plan to do Kerryesque things to the economy. Kerry detractors contend the secret plans probably are a bunch of crap and can't be revealed because they don't exist. Kerry insiders, however, believe that there might be painstakingly drawn Kerry plans, but there is an explanation as to why they can't be produced. "We believe disgraced Kerry foreign policy adviser Sandy Berger mistakenly stuffed the Kerry Secret Plans into his pants and socks and ‘inadvertently' destroyed them, thinking they were secret papers he had pilfered from the National Archives," one campaign aide theorized.

A Berger apologist said Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry caused Berger to stow the secret files. He/she/it said Berger was holding the Kerry plans when Teresa yelled "shove it!" and he did what he knows how to do. Candidate Kerry was reviewing his copy of the prenuptial agreement at the time and never knew his wife had caused Berger to stuff the secrets into his pants.

Last Lady Teresa's "shove it" remark continues its life. It was the most-cited Kerry campaign "message" in the press last week. In case you were reading your pre-nup and don't know what I'm talking about, Teresa used the word "un-American" in a speech, then denied saying it and then told the questioning reporter to "shove it!" Peace-loving Kerryites have peppered the reporter with death threats.

John Edwards want to dispel any rumors that he isn't in tip-top physical condition. So he plans to go to New York City during the Republican convention, where he will chase an ambulance across Manhattan Island.

Edwards terrified girlie-men al Qaeda everywhere with his speech to the Democratic National Convention. Now we know that Edwards said he and Honker John will hunt terrorists down and destroy them, but the terrorists know that The Cutie really has a more evil plan in mind. Edwards plans to file lawsuits promiscuously – just as he did when he wrecked the North Carolina medical-care structure. Faced with the blitzkrieg of lawsuits from The Cutie, terrorists will scuttle out of their caves and congregate somewhere in New York City – where the American Civil Liberties Union can protect them from the barrage of barratry.

There will be changes in America if Kerry and The Cutie make it to the White House. With The Cutie one lawsuit away from the presidency the streets of America's big cities will be safer. Edwards will divert Predator drone spy planes from Afghanistan and Iraq and assign them to surveil ambulances. Can you envision an America with no lawyers careening after ambulances in their BMWs? Hundreds, indeed thousands, of accidents will be avoided.

Jay Leno's writers have figured something out. Leno notes that Democrats always describe John Kerry as a "decorated war hero" for good reason. It goes this way: "Hero" brings in the women's vote, because women like heroes. "War" gets the men because men like war. "Decorated" grabs the gay vote.

Edwards scoffs at the increased terror warnings for New York City, Northern New Jersey and the Washington, D.C. area. Edwards said the Kerry/Cutie legal team plans to sue anybody who makes a "terroristic threat" against those areas. "The people who are nervous about al Qaeda attacks are the same people who believed that Bill Clinton couldn't make rational national-security decisions when Monica Lewinsky was doing her thing, and we know that's not true," a Cutie spokesman said. The Edwards camp said Osama can be sued for pain and suffering and psychological harm. "We know how to deal with these people," a Cutie mouthpiece said.

Ronald Reagan had so many successes that it's depressing for his small failures keep coming back. Take his son, Ron Junior, who delivered a boring speech to the Democratic Convention. The speech was supposed to promote the idea of stem-cell research but the Democrats really had the little twit on the program to Demo-gogue President Bush, which Junior was happy to do. Ron Junior embarrassed his dad in life, but it's disgusting that he tries to disgrace him after death. The great Reagan was correct about everything – or mostly everything. Watching Ron Jr., it occurs that Ronald Sr. might have been wrong about abortion – in this one case.

The idea of Joe marrying Moe didn't get much support in Missouri. About 70 percent of Missouri voters voted for a state constitutional amendment limiting the definition of marriage to the quaint one. You know: One woman, married to one man.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Why do the people pushing for "gay" marriage always appear to so damned angry?