September 1, 2004 -

GARRULOUS GIRLIEMANISM!

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There are knotted panties in the Kerry camp.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

The Republican convention under way in New York City is rolling along, with about one cop for every two delegates. The comparison with the Democrat convention is interesting. Democrats in Boston built a pen for protestors and allowed them to shout and scream in what amounted to a nutcase ghetto. In New York, protestors are roaming the streets – raising hell, attacking cops and shouting obscenities at people they think might be Republican delegates.

It makes sense, however. The people on the streets in New York are the same people who were in the Democratic cage in Boston.

I'd say the two best convention speeches to this point have come from former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's possible that John Kerry got so many wounds from Rudy's speech that he will put in for a couple of hundred Purple Hearts. Arnold's joke about "economic girlie men" sent even male Democrat activists on a shopping trip for anti-PMS medications.

The truth can now be told. We know why John Kerry was on a secret mission inside Cambodia in 1968. Kerry, of course, lied when he said President Nixon sent him there in 1968. (That's not hard to check, because even Democrats know that Nixon wasn't president in 1968.) But there's a good possibility that Kerry was indeed in Cambodia, since reports now indicate that there was a millionaire widow in Cambodia who had a vacation home and a yacht on the river between Cambodia and Vietnam. Our sources say that Navy Lieutenant Kerry flipped for the woman, known in CIA documents as "Ms. One Hung Trust," but then flopped when she asked him to pay a share of their wedding expenses. This apparently set a pattern that has stayed with Honker John for life.

Now even *I* can't square that with the speech Honker John gave on January 20, 2003, when he told a crowd of adoring African-Americans of his deep hurt when he heard of Martin Luther King Jr.'s death. Honker beeped: "I remember well April, 1968 -- I was serving in Vietnam -- a place of violence -- when the news reports brought home to me and my crewmates the violence back home - and the tragic news that one of the bullets flying that terrible spring took the life of that unabashedly maladjusted citizen."

Now let's ignore the fact that any conservative who referred to MLK as "maladjusted" would be called a racist-bigot-homophobe-sexual-abuser-of-defenseless-animals. Let's just consider that MLK was assassinated in April of 1968. Let's further consider that Kerry didn't set foot into Vietnam until November of 1968. Now even Yellow Dawg Democrats should be able to understand that November of 1968 came something over six months after April of 1968.

Of course, it's possible that Kerry was sweating over a hot widow somewhere in April of 1968 and time just got away from him – until she asked him to sign the pre-nuptial agreement.

September 2, 1969 marks the birth of Algore's Internet, meaning that John Kerry probably was sending e-mails to President Richard in 1968 when Kerry wasn't on a secret Nixon mission in Cambodia and Nixon wasn't yet president.

I get a giggle now and then from people with tee-shirts reading "Keep Austin Weird." Now that strikes me as, well, weird. Like, "Keep Danny DeVito Short." Or "Keep John Kerry Boring." How much support could you get for "Keep Bill Clinton a Slimeball?" Not much. No need. There's no compulsion to do those things, because they're all self-doing.

But my friend, Bill, reports that Florida remains weird. Bill says the Democrats are working hard to make all Democrats believe that their votes are in danger and there is this *HUGE* conspiracy to keep Democrat votes from being counted. This stems partially from the fact that more than half the Florida vote has been switched to "touch-screen" terminals, which leave no paper trail. It seems that Democrats believe that malevolent forces have taken control of computers and will discard bunches of votes from Democrats – maybe even those who slobber on their touch-screen ballots. It's even possible that the Republicans have devised a way to isolate Democrat ballot slobber from Republican salivating. Florida, as usual, if going to be interesting.

This is so confusing. It has been years since Bill Clinton and his sycophants proved to us that lying about sex was absolutely a-okay. We all remember that. Right? So why is an Oregon prosecutor being put on leave for lying about boinking his secretary 10 years ago? August 27, 2004. Now there's something badly wrong here. All Americans and a clear majority of Krauts, Frogs and others know that President Bill Clinton proved for all time that there is absolutely nothing wrong about lying about having Monica Shop-Vac doing her thing in the Oval Office.

However, the problem for Clackamas County prosecutor Al French of Oregon City comes from Kerryism. French is a Vietnam veteran who called Honker John a liar in an ad for the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth – Vietnam veterans who object to Kerry's Senate testimony. The Honker, you'll recall, said Americans in Vietnam were war criminals.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: What does a girlie man do with a mannish girl?