September 15, 2004 -

DIPPY DANOGRAPHY!

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Old Dan reveals himself as a damned fool. Again.

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Now, the details...

One CBS Old Fool yachted off into the sunset several months ago and a second appears poised to join him. CBS Old Fool No. 1 is, of course, the venerable Walter Cronkite. The avuncular Uncle Wally once conned Americans into believing he was the most trustworthy man in America. Cronkite showed his true colors as a columnist in his dotage, exposing himself as yet another whining left winger with Texas roots. Old Fool No. 1 was succeeded by Old Fool No. 2 – also known as Dan Rather. Dan's arrogance even exceeds that of Old Fool No. 1.

Dan once spoke at a Travis County Democratic party fund-raiser, then expressed shock and awe that he had spoken at a Travis County Democratic party fund-raiser. He said he had been invited by his daughter, Austin hyper-leftie Robin Rather.

Not that anyone ever suspected Rather was anything but a committed Democrat. For instance, there was Old Fool No. 2 in May 27, 1993 when he slobbered over Bill and Hill. Rather: "Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you. Thank you. Mr. President. If we could be one-one-hundredth as great as you and Hillary Rodham Clinton have been together in the White House, we'd take it right now and walk away winners." I'd say Dan has been almost EXACTLY as great as were Bill and Hill. It's good to know that the 72-year-old Old Fool No. 2 is about to stagger off the national stage.

In case you have been preoccupied with something complicated, like programming your VCR or wringing your hands over South Florida's half-wit voters, you might have missed the fact that CBS and Dangerous Dan did a hit job on George W. Bush, trying to prove that Bush wasn't exactly a model F-102 pilot when he served in the National Guard. CBS produced (and I do mean "produced") documents that no one had ever seen before. Mostly because they were "produced" on Microsoft Word, which wasn't even a gleam in Algore's eye 35 years ago. (Hell, Algore hadn't even invented the Internet then.)

Anyway, Dangerous Dan is "standing by" his report and CBS is standing by its Old Fool. That will change, of course, once the suits at CBS realize that they are joining Dan on a patch of ethical/journalistic quicksand. Now I don't intend to imply that CBS gives a half a hoot about ethics but it will become obvious that standing with Old Fool No. 2 is bad for business.

Good-bye, Dan. We're sorry we got to know you. But we look forward to reading reports of your impassioned left-wing speeches to Democratic party fund-raisers – once you no longer have to pretend you're not an ideologue. I hear your successor as CBS resident buffoon anchor will be John Roberts, a Canadian. You might tell John, Dan, to study a tad on his American history. I ‘bout busted a gut several years ago when he seriously opened a story about money. The CBS piece featured Benjamin Franklin's picture on a hundred-dollar bill. Jughead John's intro was, "Why is this President smiling?"

Now it's possible that you don't know, Dan, that Old Ben was never president. But tell John, anyway. (You can look it up if you don't believe me.) And tell John to be very careful if some Democrat operative shows up in his office with documentary proof that Laura Bush wrote the "Hitler Diaries."

There was more trouble during the week for Democrats. People are beginning to study the fact that people suffering an advanced level of dementia were able to vote in the 2000 presidential election. I don't want anyone to accuse me of wanting to deny Dan Rather his God-given right to vote. But it's pretty obvious that there are more demented Democrats than there are squirrely Republicans. But you can't spell "demented" or "Democrat" without "dem." So I hope that Dan and all his fellow left-wingers turn out and cast their ballots on Wednesday, November 3.

Well, nuts. I made a mistake in last week's column. I mentioned a space cadet, whom I identified as Jim Mars. It seemed reasonable. Jim is so far out there that Mars seemed right. However, I find that Jim spells his last name "Marrs." You might recall that Jim is the guy who wrote an absolutely fraudulent book on the Kennedy assassination. He has been embraced by nutcases around the world – including loon movie producer/director Oliver Stone, who used Jim's book as the basis for Stone's "JFK" movie. If you want your children and grandchildren to have clear minds on the events involving the Kennedy assassination, tell them to avoid Stone's movie. And Jim Marrs' books, too.

Bubba has jump-started the law of unintended consequences. Hospitals everywhere report upper middle-aged men are nervous about their health. They don't want to be in Bill Clinton's circumstance – needing emergency heart surgery. The reports aren't clear if men are just asking for a heart checkup – or if they're going for the entire Bubba Package. That would be, "Gimme a heart checkup and a hot intern."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Does anyone know what happened to John (The Cutie) Edwards?