September 29, 2004 -

BANTERING BROADBANDDIGGERY!

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Who are those women with guitars, anyway?

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Now, the details...

I read that more than half of all U.S. residential Internet users are accessing the Internet by way of "broadband" connections. It pains me to report that more than a couple of people in Llano County believe that "broadband" represents an all-female music combo.

Thinking back on the Olympics, my favorite dipstick (not counting the athletes or commentators) was Ron Bensimhon, a Canadian fruitcake. Ron baby, wearing a tutu, jumped into the Olympics diving pool. He was convicted of interrupting the games. Ron is the little honey who wore a a blue tutu and white tights with polka dots. "I didn't think what I did was so serious. I won't do it again," he told the judge. The Greek judge didn't think Ron was all that cute and sentenced him to five months in the slammer. I don't know anything about Greek jails, but I believe it would be a good idea for Ron to lose the tutu while serving his sentence. He might want to keep the tights.

Another strange character shows no indication he might go away. Michael Jackson continues to complain that he was "manhandled" when he was arrested on child-molestation charges. Now I don't think California cops would be stupid enough to "manhandle" a famous entertainer, but I have a linguistic question about Michael and the fuzz. That being: "Would it be possible to 'manhandle' anyone so androgynous as Michael Jackson?"

Has the ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne hacked the computers that create the "no fly" lists? Probably not, but it was eerie that Ted Kennedy, the man responsible for her death by drowning, wound up on a Department of Homeland Security "no fly" watch list. Kennedy, the Massachusetts White Whale, has demonstrated over the years an incredible ability to manipulate his fly. His predisposition to do that is the reason Ms. Kopechne drowned in his car, while Ted swam to safety.

Austin and San Francisco drivers presumably will see the results of an advertising campaign aimed at developing a "special relationship" between Jaguar North America and Land Rover North America, and American homosexuals. Since no kinky idea ever goes uncopied, we can expect American automakers to counter with their own campaigns. Maybe we can expect product rollouts for the Dodge Dancer, the Chevrolet Decorator and the Ford Bi-Way. Accessories might include a transsexual transaxle, which will spin either way.

I am often amused by the questions I get about snakes at our small lake resort. For you Yankees and city dwellers, I'll give a brief summation of snakes, lakes and Texas. Every Texas lake has snakes. About 90 percent of the snakes people see in or near a Texas lake are harmless water snakes, just trying to make a living by exterminating rats and other small vermin. I don't like rats, so I try to protect most snakes.

The thought comes because a Yuppie woman from Austin visited recently to look at Cottonwood Cove and asked: "Do you have a problem with snakes?" I said, "Oh, no. We have plenty of them." That's not provably true, since we seldom see them, but I know they're here because the rat population is down.

A Yankee lady living in Houston turned white as snow when she saw a snake and told me she wanted to go to a lake that doesn't have snakes in it. I told her Alaska is one heck of a long haul and she probably would find the water too cold for skiing.

File this one under "I'll drink to that." A German waiter was fired for drinking as many as 100 bottles of beer every day. He was fired but a German court ruled he was unfairly let go.

The waiter admitted that his bosses told him not to keep swilling. He admitted that he swiped up to 100 bottles of beer a day but the court awarded him three months salary. The owner of the victimized bar said he doesn't understand why the court had been so lenient on the thieving waiter. That's easy. They had to be drunk.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Would you buy water wings endorsed by Teddy Kennedy?