October 6, 2004 -

DOGMATIC DISPUTATIONS!

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Debating drones on.

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Now, the details...

A press release from the Kerry campaign tells us that "the American dream is on the ballot." I assume that means every male voter will be choosing the billionaire widow he wants to take him as a dependant.

There are those who say John Kerry cheated during last week's debate by taking notes to the podium. I'll give the Honker some slack on this one. I figure he was re-reading his pre-nuptial agreement. You never know how the billionaire Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry might react to a poor debate performance before the American rabble.

Kerry had to admit that he can say "frog" but the Frogs won't ask "how high?" He ruefully agreed that there ain't no way France (or Germany) will join the fight in Iraq – even if Americans elect a pacifist, cheese-eating, surrender-oriented gigolo as President. However, all might not be lost for Honker John. He could appoint Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry secretary of state and she could get the Frogs and Germans to sign a pre-nup.

Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry is in the predictions business, about Osama bin Laden. "I wouldn't be surprised if he appeared in the next month," Honker John's Looniest Toon said about a possible Osama unveiling just before Election Day. I know there are many Democrats out there who agree with Teresa. They believe the evil Bush has had Osama since, maybe, September 2002 and has been keeping him in a cell with Jimmy Hoffa.

The battle between Baldy and the Breck Girl was a good one. Vice President Dick Cheney consistently mussed John (The Cutie) Edwards' hair with scorching attacks on the actual Senate voting records of the Cutie and Kerry. The Cutie made fierce noises about hunting and killing terrorists, prompting this rejoinder from Cheney. "Your rhetoric, Senator, would be a lot more credible if there was a record to back it up. There isn't."

Speaking of fools, everyone's favorite such, Presidential Disaster Jimmuh Carter, again proved that not all old sayings are absolutely correct. We all have heard the one that goes, "There's no fool like an old fool." Well, Jimmuh celebrated his 80th birthday anniversary and he is no greater a fool today than he was when he was, say, 30. No less, either, of course. Jimmuh's late mother, Lillian, put it perfectly: "When I look at my children, sometimes I wish I remained a virgin." So do we, Miz Lillian. So do we.

As his old mamma indicated, Jimmuh remains the greatest single living argument for making birth control retroactive.

Jimmuh's latest outburst of peanut-brainery involved the upcoming elections. Jimmuh said Florida's election machinery remains as flawed as, say, a Carter energy plan. Jimmuh's buffoonery about Florida comes only scant weeks after the idiot "certified" a certifiably fraudulent Venezuelan election as absolutely honest. Maybe one of you certified Democrat Jimmuh-loons can explain to us why Jimmuh loves left-wing dictators and hates America. But probably not.

Another old fool remained in the spotlight. Disgraced CBS news reader Dan Rather said his problems over his use of forged documents is due to evildoers. In Dippy Dan's case, he said the White House is trying to "smear" him because he used phony-baloney papers to try to discredit President Bush's National Guard record. Speaking at a media forum Rather insisted, "I don't have a political agenda." The fact that Rather was in New York City kept the audience from collapsing in a paroxysm of laughter. Rather was joined by fellow graybeard news readers Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw. Jennings ‘splained things this way: "[It's] not a natural instinct for those of us in the establishment media to cheer the country on." (Uh, Peter, aren't you a CANADIAN?)

Former University of Texas running back Ricky Williams rediscovered capitalism, sort of. Williams had a great, but short, career in the National Football League but decided to chuck it, saying the NFL's irritating drug-testing interfered with his love of marijuana, his favorite recreational pharmaceutical. Williams discovered that he loved football more than Mary Jane when an arbitrator ruled he had to repay $8.6 million to the Miami Dolphins. That cut into Ricky's pot budget so deeply that he found he has a "passion" for playing football and wants to return. A frequent question when someone does something truly stupid is, "What was he smoking?" In Ricky's case, we know.

Edward Green III, a dedicated pothead, went to that big drug rehab center in the sky, thanks to a Cleansing Needle administered by the State of Texas. Edward (known on the street as "Peanut") was an 18-year-old who was smoking a combination of marijuana and embalming fluid when he tried to carjack Edward Haden, 72. Haden tried to get away and Edward and a pal murdered him and his passenger, a 63-year-old woman. Green was 30 when society was shed of him.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Who better than Dan Rather to put the "BS" in "CBS?"