October 19, 2004 -

CHATTERING CONFUSION!

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I might become "undecided."

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Now, the details...

I'm thinking of becoming an undecided voter. Fall and winter are slow business periods, so I have many opportunities for dithering, whining and pretending my mind has turned to mush. Well, maybe not mush. Maybe chicken soup. But maybe not chicken soup, either, since some of my fellow undecideds could be animal-rights nuts and chickens have to lose their undecided status if we make chicken soup.

Maybe I should write to my representatives, suggesting that the general election be moved to February. That might give me a greater opportunity to be unswervingly undecided. Or maybe I should call. But I haven't made up my mind on whether I should use the cell phone or the land line.

Some people say they plan to vote with their feet – meaning bug out on the entire process. If I decide to do that, do I have to vote with both feet, or can I just vote with my left foot?

Do I have to decide whether Honker John Kerry was within bounds by making a gratuitous reference to Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter? Some people say homosexuals are confused. Does that mean Mary Cheney is undecided? But other people believe Ms. Cheney chose to be a lesbian. So maybe Mary is not undecided. It's very confusing.

Now I don't want anyone to think I have anything against decisive lesbians, or puzzled ones either.

But the Honker has convinced me of something, sort of. It's not good to make slurring remarks about innocent people – even when you're pretending to be sensitive and kind. So I would like to apologize for what I have thought and said about the people who have made nasty remarks about my columns.

I now realize that only a few of you are brain dead and that some of you were upset because you recently learned that your sons are finalists for Gay Model Of The Year in San Francisco and you're afraid Kerry is going to mention your family in the closing days of the campaign. A few others might have been out of sorts because you heard that your teenaged daughters have been selected for a month-long job interview with former President Bill Clinton at the Holiday Inn in Little Rock.

Johnny Carson, former king of late-night television, made "crack" a funny word. Carson often referred to NBC's "crack cafeteria" at its Burbank studios. He cracked wise about "crack" on other subjects, too, of course. The word "crack" can give off the aroma of "one of the best," as when a fast Amtrak train is referred to as the "crack" something. So now we find that Honker John Kerry has a "crack" voter-registration operation in Ohio but the word has taken on a more "urban" meaning. It seems that the Defiance County Sheriff's Office arrested Chad Staton, 22, for a voter-registration felony.

The crack sheriff's unit charges that Staton filled out more than 100 fictitious voter registration forms. Hanging Chad was supposed to be paid for every registration form he could get citizens to fill out. But he eliminated the middleman and filled them out himself. Instead of being paid in money, Hanging Chad was paid in crack cocaine. Chad's boss at the Kerry crack cocaine scam works for the NAACP National Voter Fund.

The Mighty New Dork Times endorsed John Kerry for President. Big surprise. The Dork has acted as the media wing of the Kerry campaign for months, but the Kerry support came in the news columns, not the left side of the editorial page. The Times continues to spin everything and anything to the left. Last week the Dork reported that some Taliban and al Qaeda detainees at Guantanamo were subjected to high air-conditioner settings and rap music. The heart doth bleed...

This week the Dork came out generally on the mutinous side of some Army reservists who refused an order to deliver fuel in Iraq. The Times made the obligatory observation that military orders had to be obeyed, then went on at great length to question whether orders from the Bush administration deserved obeisance.

The last-weeks antics of Kerry and the Cutie smack of desperation. Kerry says Dubya is the reason old fools don't have flu vaccinations. He joined the Cutie in pointing to Vice President Cheney's lesbian daughter, hoping to peel off some nutcase fundamentalists. But there was good news for the Kerry/Cutie ticket. Youngsters at Manson Youth Institution in Cheshire, Conn., held a mock election and Kerry won, 93-40. It's all about the future. Today's juvenile criminals are tomorrow's adult Democrats.

The Cutie is tuning up to sue the Cleveland airport, Boeing and everybody who makes generators for airplanes after Edwards' chartered Boeing 727 had to abort its flight because of a potential problem with a generator. "The Senator is also considering suing hell out of the people who made the warning light for the faulty generator," an Edwards spokesthing said.

A woman collapsed and died of a brain hemorrhage while waiting to get a ticket to the Oprah Winfrey Show in Chicago. Sad, but a scientific breakthrough. This is the first recorded evidence that people who stand in line for Oprah tickets have brains.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Is "undecided" sometimes just another word for "stupid?"