November 10, 2004 -

UTAH DIGS IN!

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Osama's target list.

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Now, the details...

Osama bin Laden tried to shove a few votes John Kerry's way with a videotaped message just before our elections. Bin Laden said those states which voted for the evil Bush would be targeted by al Qaeda.

So, if you have relatives in Utah, tell them to get out while the getting's good, since 71 percent of Utah voters turned out for Bush. Texas, of course, is a good al Qaeda target at 68 percent, only one percent safer than Nebraska. The District of Columbia appears to be the safest place (if you can ignore the American-made crime rate), since only nine percent of District denizens voted for Bush. A good place for your al Qaeda safe house would be Kerry's Massachusetts, which had only 37 percent in the Bush column. New York is somewhat more imperiled (40 percent for Bush).

The election might have disastrous effects on the American economy since George W. Bush's victory was "outside of the margin of litigation." While most of us view that as a good thing, there is a downside. Think of it. There were 10,000 Democrat lawyers circling America's swing states in their private jets, ready to land and begin filing lawsuits at the drop of the first chad. Can you imagine the potential harm that might come from 10,000 unemployed, angry scumbags?

Honker John Kerry gave a graceful and gracious concession speech. I didn't suspect he had it in him. Kerry noted that he congratulated Bush and that they discussed the "divisions" in the country and the "desperate need for unity..." Kerry said, "Today I hope that we can begin the healing." It's possible Kerry meant what he said. We'll know from his conduct when he returns to the Senate. But the problem is with the word "heal." The history of the Democrat left is that "healing" is spelled "heeling." As in, "Heel, Rover."

The contrast was striking between Kerry's eloquent concession and that of his no-help running mate, Sen. John Edwards. Pumping his little fist, the Cutie said, " This campaign may end today, but the battle for you and the hard-working Americans who built this country rages on." The Cutie raged on about other battles supposedly raging. Somebody needs to tell little John that he LOST.

But it's fun to see Democrats continuing to shrink into minority status because they handle it so poorly.

George W. Bush made one big campaign mistake a while back. He campaigned to save Pennsylvania Republican Sen. Arlen Specter from a primary challenge. Specter's gratitude was expressed when he told the President, the day after the election, not to nominate any federal judges who don't view abortion as a God-given right. Snarlin' Arlen's arrogant ingratitude imperiled his chairmanship of the Senate Judiciary Committee. A Washington writer said there are two kinds of people in the Senate: Democrats who can't stand Arlen Specter and Republicans who can't stand Arlen Specter.

One for the Poh' Babies file. Fifteen Florida Democrat headcases have sought therapy because they had problems dealing with Honker John's loss. Boca Raton trauma specialist Douglas Schooler said he has treated 15 clients and friends with "intense hypnotherapy" since Kerry conceded. This is good news for Democrats, indicating there are at least 15 Florida Democrats smart enough to be hypnotized.

There was bad news and good news on Thursday. The bad news came when Frog doctors said initial reports were incorrect and that Palestinian thug Yasser Arafat – a Nobel Peace Prize winner – was not dead, though his condition was the next best thing. The Paris hospital indicated Arafat is brain dead. That brings us to the good news. Former Presidential Disaster Jimmuh Carter, also a Nobel Peace Prize recipient, is still walking around and speaking semi-coherently, despite having been brain dead for several decades. American medical care obviously beats its Frog counterpart.

My favorite post-election quote came from the always-stoned writer Hunter Thompson, who remains a leftie cult hero despite the fact that he hasn't done anything of note for years. Thompson said of the vaunted "youth vote" that was supposed to send Kerry to the White House: "Those little bastards betrayed us again..."

Some of Thompson's "little bastards" will get better wording in health textbooks. The Texas Board of Education approved new health texts for high schools and middle schools, but only after the publishers agreed to change wording. The board required that marriage be portrayed strictly as the union of a man and a woman. Previous texts (which presumably will remain big sellers in California and Massachusetts) used terms such as "married partners" instead of "husband and wife."

Texas renewed its union with civility after criminal behavior, executing Robert Morrow, 47. Morrow abducted Lisa Allison from a car wash, beat her and slashed her throat. In his final statement, Morrow apologized to Miss Allison's parents, who witnessed his date with the Cleansing Needle.

Morrow was well-fed when he left. For his last meal, he requested 10 pieces of crispy fried chicken, two cheeseburgers, three fried pork chops, chef salad with chopped ham and Thousand Island dressing, Freedom Fries and onions, five buttermilk biscuits with butter, four jalapeno peppers, a pint of Rocky Road ice cream, one bowl of peach cobbler or apple pie and two Sprites and two Cokes.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Will Texas go broke on last meals for death-row inmates?