December 8, 2004 -

WALLOPING WHACKJOBOGRAPHY!

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We answer the big questions about the Dixie Chicks, other dogs, and the election.

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Those stories, and more. Now, the details...

My friend Phyllis Henderson had an observation about a strange dude's comment linking the Dixie Chicks and dogs. The whack job asserted that Republicans hate the Dixie Chicks and cats but love dogs. Phyllis said she didn't see a lot of difference between a dog and a Dixie Chick but I disagree. I'm a conservative (I generally vote Republican) who loves dogs and cats and liked the Dixie Chicks' music until Lead Chickiebrain Natalie Maines felt compelled to unburden her vast storehouse of political sagacity.

While I agree with Phyllis that the Dixie Chicks are "dogs" in one sense, there is a world of difference between a Dippy Chick and a dog in the standard meaning. Mark Twain nailed it when he observed that you can pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous and he will be loyal and won't bite you. Thus Twain tells us the principal difference between a dog and a Dixie Chick.

Dogs, cats and dipsticks aside, we're heading into the Christmas season. Despite the Christmas spirit, many Democrats remain morose. Some are seeking psychological counseling (only if their health insurance will pay for it, of course). Others promise to move to Canada (but they never follow through, dammit). All that over the presidential election. They're particularly aggrieved because they can't claim the election was stolen. Bush was elected, not selected, and Kerry was rejected, not elected.

The Democrat-lining media has made our Democrat friends even sadder, whining non-stop about the poor state of the party of the braying ass. It's difficult to pick up a newspaper or magazine without reading a story asking what went wrong. Ditto for television news, which has fed us a steady diet of experts maundering about the election results and trying, pitifully, to answer the question: "How did George W. Bush win?"

So, in the spirit of the season and as an effort to restore harmony and comity, let me answer the question. Bush won because he got more votes – more popular votes and more votes in the Electoral College. Now I realize that doesn't address EXACTLY why Honker John Kerry lost so I'll clear that up, too. Kerry lost because he got fewer Electoral College votes and fewer popular votes.

I have a suggestion for you lefties who still can't figure out why so many people rejected Democrats. Think about your personal political beliefs for a few minutes, then videotape a 30-minute presentation of yourself, extolling gay marriage, socialized medicine, killing babies, pardoning mass murderers and asserting that pacifism is the only way to stop terrorism. Then go on to the point where you get wild-eyed and talk about conservatives who want to do away with Social Security and seize all the food in the refrigerators of minorities, women and the elderly.

Play it back. Then you'll know why you lost. (Always happy to help).

My Democrat friends were all hyper to "move on" before the election. I hope I have enabled them to do that. I understand Canada is really beastly this time of year, so I hope our Democrat friends take their whining and self-flagellation to some nice Blue State. Massachusetts, maybe. In Massachusetts, you Blue few can work to nominate yet another liberal Massachusetts geek for President in 2008.

Have you people not yet figured out that one definition of fanaticism is redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten what the hell you were doing in the first place?

Massachusetts will be different and we understand you will be in a strange place and subjected to large taxes and people who will make fun of your Southern accents. So possibly some of us can kick in a few bucks a month to help. Just promise to stay Blue and keep out of the Red.

The superb columnist Thomas Sowell had a gem of a random thought about the election. Dr. Sowell noted that a long-standing Americanism has addressed "poor white trash." He says Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira-Heinz-Kerry enriched the idiom with "rich white trash."

The mellowness of the holiday season appears to be catching on. I say that because some genuine idiots have modified their behavior a bit. Jimmuh Carter, for instance, hasn't done or said anything stupid for a week. Maybe longer. If Jimmuh can go two weeks without disgracing himself (and us) it will be a 21st Century record.

Ditto with Blathering Dan Rather. As far as we know, Dithering Dan hasn't discovered any secret memos linking George Bush, Dick Cheney and Halliburton to the beheading of the former Mrs. Orenthal James Simpson.

Of course, with Doofus Dan and the CBS News gaggle there is always the potential that something genuinely brain dead will burst like a cancerous cataract on the CBS Eye. Think on it. Would you in your wildest dreams have believed that Ran Dather and SeeBS News would try to con us with a phony set of Microsoft Word documents just before the election? Many of us have long believed Dippy Dan to be a dedicated leftie, but who knew he was STUPID?

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Have you considered that Dan Rather might have Microsoft Word documents proving that Mary and Joseph were evading their taxes – not paying them?