January 18, 2005 -

FECKLESS FROGOGRAPHY!

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The Honker returns to his roots.

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Now, details...

John Kerry last week was where he would have been if we had been stupid enough to elect him President. The French-looking, French-speaking Massachusetts liberal (who has relatives in France) was in Paris, groveling before Head Frog Jacques Chirac. I think maybe the election loss Freedom Fried what was left of Kerry's brain. (If you're too dull to get the "freedom fried" reference, you probably voted for Kerry).

However, we have to congratulate Honker John on his Frenchness. Unlike Algore, the Honker surrendered quickly and with a modicum of Gallic savoir faire. Vive la Frogs!

Meanwhile, the Senior Massachusetts Senator, Ted Kennedy, disgraced Alcoholics Anonymous by trying to make a reference to one of the new stars in Democrat politics. The Massachusetts White Whale referred to Illinois Sen. Barack Obama, as "Osama bin … Osama … Obama." We wanted to get comment on Senator Kennedy's incoherence and contacted a medium, asking her to get us in touch with Teddy's Chappaquiddick diving companion, Mary Jo Kopechne. The medium reported that Ms. Kopechne's only statement from the Great Beyond was "glub, glub."

Dan Rather has had the Indian sign on CBS management for years. Now I realize that "Indian sign" can be construed by some fools to be a racist reference. (So, if you're that form of dimbulb, be advised that "Indian sign" means "hex" or "spell.")

However, the spell might be broken. Les Moonves, chairman of CBS, said Blathering Rather would be allowed to be a correspondent on "60 Minutes Wednesday," then added there was no real guarantee that the program would be around any longer than, say, what's left of Rather's credibility.

I remember the way President John Kennedy handled another liberal goofball. Michigan Gov. G. Mennen (Soapy) Williams had supported Kennedy slavishly and helped him get the Democratic nomination. When time came for Soapy to collect his bounty (he was thinking of Secretary of State or Defense), Kennedy (who knew Soapy was somewhat lame ‘tween the ears) announced that Soapy was being chosen for a new job: Something like "Ambassador at Large to Africa." That was about the last we heard of Soapy.

So, Dippy Dan may shuffle off to well-deserved obscurity as correspondent for a news program that doesn't exist. The Dipster still believes the Bush National Guard documents were correct – even if phony.

Now that Dufus Dan has been handled, something needs to be done to rid the world of Reuters, the twisted Brit "news" service. Reuters reporting is so blatantly biased against the U.S. that it's difficult to fathom. A representative piece of Reuters propaganda from Iraq began this way: "Many Iraqis reacted angrily on Sunday to news that U.S. soldier Charles Graner had been sentenced to 10 years in jail for his role in prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib jail, saying he should have faced harsher punishment." Sounds okay, until you pay attention to the story, which quotes four Iraqis. "Many?" The by-line might give a hint as to the problem. The "reporter" is Mussab al-Khairalla. I'll accept that it's vaguely possible that Mussab is a fair and balanced Arab, but his story points away from that.

I have always figured that my Democrat friends and foes were (1) sincere but misguided (2) simply not thinking straight (3) a couple of dead trees short of a bonfire or (4) destined for Corsicana, Texas – the "fruitcake capital of the world."

Fruitcakery is in the lead. It seems the areas with the highest ratio of psychologists per 100,000 residents, were, with the exception of Colorado, all "blue" states which supported John Kerry.

If you are plan to move to be near the counseling you need, go to the District of Columbia, Vermont, Minnesota, Massachusetts, New York, Colorado, Illinois, Rhode Island, New Hampshire or Pennsylvania. If you're sane and want to stay in a red state which voted for George W, then here are the ten states with the lowest ratio of psychologists per 100,000 residents: Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina, Nevada, Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Kentucky and Indiana.

Please send us a postcard from your new home and tell us about your therapist. And let us know if you still have those nightmares where Dubya and Dick Cheney padlock your refrigerator, change your address for welfare checks and cancel your credit cards. (See, we are compassionate about the mentally disturbed.)

My friend Robin Sheen sent an e-mail that hacked her severely and it did me, too. It was a link to an Internet fact-checking site (Snopes.com) that validates "urban legends." This one involved a 2004 case in which a U.S. Marine was refused service at One Stop Grocery and Grill at 2001 8th Ave. in downtown Fort Worth, Texas. The Marine asked the clerk (a man of middle eastern descent) for a can of tobacco. The clerk asked the Marine if he was in the military, craftily noticing the Marine was wearing a shirt with "USMC" on it. The clerk disappeared, maybe for a hot date with a camel.

So, if you're in Fort Worth, drive by One Stop Grocery and Grill and give them the "You're Number One" sign. Don't buy anything.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: Will this be the year the Supreme Court decrees that the definition of marriage must be expanded to include a Muslim and his camel?