January 24, 2005 -

HOLY HONKERISM!

---

John passes up an opportunity to disgrace himself.

---

Now, the details...

I was proud of John Kerry during the Inauguration ceremony. He was near the microphone on the podium and didn't grab it to point out that Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter.

The stock market slid some more on Friday after President George W. Bush's stirring inauguration speech. There are several reasons that could explain the downturn. One would be that the market had been on a downtrend all week. The other is that Bush's pro-freedom speech was frightening to Wall Street.

Why would the threat of world freedom spook the financial gurus? Well, if we provoke China there's the possibility that our department stores might have nothing to sell.

The nutcase left keeps screaming that Bush needs to enunciate an "exit strategy" for Iraq. They whine on about it despite the fact that Bush has often outlined his exit strategy, which is to kill off the terrorists, make certain the Iraqis have a government which can stand and then Johnny (and Joanie) come marching home. But I join with my wild-eyed pals on the left in wanting Bush to specify an exit strategy – but the one I want involves illegal aliens.

From what I read, it would appear that about two-thirds of Mexico's total population is now living in Arizona, California, New Mexico or Texas. Bush's lone area of mushheaded policy involves illegals – mostly concentrated on amnesty for Mexicans here illegally. Many of us prefer the "Rawhide" plan, as set out in the Western TV series of decades ago. On every show, trail boss Gil Faver commanded, "Head ‘em up and move ‘em out." Now there's an exit strategy.

And since we're trampling on the tender sensibilities of half of Mexico, let's tell the Norwegians to take a flying leap into the nearest fjord. That because Norwegians were shocked (SHOCKED!) when Bush made the "hook ‘em Horns" sign as the University of Texas Longhorns band marched by in the Inaugural Parade. Seems the Norwegians believe that anyone holding up two fingers is saluting Satan. Let Norway be aware that we have a more fitting salute for our meddlesome Europansy friends. This one involves only one upraised finger.

Which brings us to California Senator Barbara Boxer. Senator Boxer is one of those Blue State Californian Democrats whose politics are pinkish – just to the right of Fidel Castro's. She proclaims she will continue her jihad against President Bush's nomination of Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State. Boxer will lose, of course, but there is one way we could be spared her whining and lying in a Senate debate about Dr. Rice's qualifications. It's always possible that Senator Boxer might fall from her broom while she's flying to work.

Speaking of witchiness, some people in San Marcos got their Texas panties bunched because a new zip code includes the numbers "666." Pretty silly, I think, unless the whiners believe a zip code of 666 means their mail is going straight to hell. (I never criticize the Postal Service. Many of our Postal Pests are armed and dangerous.)

I bear bad news. The al Qaeda detainees at Guantanamo Bay can't do anything right. The military confirmed to a breathless Associated Press reporter named Paisley Dodds that 23 terror suspects tried to hang or strangle themselves in a protest in 2003. There are two unfortuante aspects to this story. One is that the terrorists weren't successful. The other is that some fool named a child "Paisley."

A retired California businessman has kicked up a stir by arranging for 240 volunteers to do the government's job for 30 days. The government's failure to stop illegal immigration has led James Gilchrist, a combat-wounded U.S. Marine and Vietnam veteran, to spearhead the "Minuteman Project" in which volunteers, on the ground and in the air, will watch for illegals along the most porous part of the Arizona-Mexico border. A Washington Times story on the project gives a hint as to why the Tucson-sector chief might be an emblem for the entire U.S. Border Patrol. The local guru's name is Michael Nicely. Maybe Michael should be replaced with somebody named Horatio Hardass.

I hate long-winded funeral orations. So, if I die soon please have Phyllis Diller conduct my service. That comes to mind because Fox News Channel's John Gibson had Ms. Diller as a guest to mourn the death of Johnny Carson. The interview began this way:

Gibson: "What does the fact that Johnny Carson is gone mean to us?"

Diller: (long pause) "Well, John, it means that he's dead."

The environmentalist nutcases say we're all going to need a funeral service soon. A European "task force" of politicians, academics and business leaders reports that global warming might be past the point of no return. A newspaper known as the "Australian" appears to have jumped the Armageddon gun a bit, with a headline reading: "Life on Earth Snuffed Out by Global Warming."

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If global warming has already killed us all, do I still have to file my 2004 income-tax return?